Hi. I joined the forum a few weeks ago after a band I was listening to mentioned it. I’m glad I stumbled upon this community; there’s a lot of love and support here!
I’ve been lurking around and posting on other people’s threads, and I decided that it’s time to open up a little bit about myself and my struggles.
One of my struggles that I currently face is around intimacy. I find I very difficult to trust people. I’m afraid of being hurt, and I have very little conscious motivation to get close to people (relates to my second struggle below, emotional detachment). I was so afraid of being abandoned and rejected that for three years I regularly had terrifying, destructive fears that my ex-fiance would cheat on me. I looked adamantly for reasons to distrust her and distance myself. Finally I broke up with her because I couldn’t take it anymore and just wanted to be alone. It’s been a year and my guilt and longing increases as time goes on. I’m usually happy keeping my friends at arm’s distance (figuratively), and the idea of getting too close disgusts me often. Like I feel like destroying and vomiting when I think about getting too close to people. Part of me likes affection, and part of me rejects it intensely. I don’t want to be dependent on people or burden people. It’s a large reason why I find it difficult to reach out to others for help. I’d rather read, observe, help myself, and struggle to answer my own questions than ask for support.
Another struggle I’m dealing with is emotional suppression/detachment/numbness. I’ve come a long way in a year of therapy, but I still have the strong impression that I’m only tapped in to about 5% of my emotional capacity. Between the ages of 10 and 25, I think I could easily count the number of times I shed a tear on one hand. I’ve cried more in the last week than that, and it’s becoming much more regular, but there’s something still extremely ambiguous and uncharted regarding my feelings. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why, but most times I don’t feel a thing. Almost always when I cry it feels like I’m trying desperately not to cry, like I’m fighting myself to be able to release and just allow myself to feel. If I try to think, to figure out what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling, usually my feelings vanish nowhere to be found, which sucks cause I love thinking and it’s been such a powerful tool for me. I don’t know what I feel, or how to feel. Its like I’ve blinded myself. I am struggling so much to learn how to feel again. I get angry now too and I got angry even less often than I cried as a teen and child. It’s just all so weird to me, but I want to feel, it seems like such a big part of me. Life seems so colorless without emotion. I think I learned to suppress my emotions as a kid because the pain was too much to deal with, but I also have a very difficult time remembering what even happened as a kid or teen, or even what happened recently. I get the sense that my autobiographical memory is pretty dang poor, which is probably related to my emotional detachment.
I’m not sure how I feel about sharing, but I want to open up more, so I’m gonna do this. Thanks for listening!
Hey man, thank you for sharing. It sounds like that was a huge obstacle for you to overcome and I’m proud of you for doing just that.
I can say I struggled with the same things for a long time, and those problems still follow me occasionally. It feels so much more safe to keep people at arms distance; never opening up, leaning on anyone for support, or letting anyone take care of you. It feels like that’s the right move because it’s comfortable. It’s safe. But, safety and comfort aren’t always healthy. In fact, even our deepest and darkest seasons can include safety and comfort. So, for this particular problem, even though it seems like backwards thinking; what would help most is simply letting someone in. Which is easier said than done. But work towards opening up to more people more often; and maybe it will just start with one person. Or just 3-4 people. The feeling is so freeing, and the support you’ll receive will be worth it. Just by posting and joining our community I can tell you want to see change, and I respect that so much about you.
I hope to see you around more.
Hey @xTimeRemains, you and I are alike. When I was a kid, I was a complete loner and bullied. The only friends I had weren’t the best, they treated me bad sometimes but I stayed anyway. They were all I had, and I thought they liked me a little. But then they replaced me and threw me out for someone else who talked more.
And ever since then, I was the one who could make people laugh easily, but I never let anyone in. I didnt trust anyone, still don’t sometimes.
I know it’s hard to reach out, but we are human and we all get lonely sometimes. Friendship, true friendship, can bring a light to your life. I know it’s safer to stay distant and emotionless, but life is worth living when you take a risk and improve yourself. If you really try, you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to, even if it takes some work. You only live once, right?
@Bvblover16 & @Jaden ahh I’m so glad you both can relate. Sometimes it seems I’m the only one who isn’t quite convinced that getting close is worth the cost. Most of the people around me are taken aback by me wanting to have as much solitude as I enjoy.
You’re right, safety appears to be the exact reason I stay away. Why risk the betrayal, rejection, and other forms of relationship harm when I feel pretty okay on my own? I’m still figuring out the answers to questions like these, but intuitively it seems clear that part of me wants to have intimacy. I appreciate you taking in my share and responding. I’ve got a fear of sharing, as I mentioned, and it was rewarding to see you both connect with my struggles.
I can totally relate to the issues with not having close friends @Bvblover16. Friendship seems to be the kind of intimacy I’m most interested in, I totally resonate with what you shared about it being a light. Also, I’ve heard that song so many times on one of my Pandora stations but never knew who made it. I like how you shared music, I love music. Thanks dude!
hi friend,
thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I just want you to know that you are so loved here. we believe in you and we are proud of you for sharing. we hear you and we want you to know we care. please keep sharing with us how you feel and what’s going on: ) you are loved
stay strong