About a year ago my ex and I decided, mutually (after who knows how many fights…) that we would be better off divorcing. We drew out the terms and agreed on everything. Some of these involve me ‘losing’ my two girls on paper so that they can stay together. One of them is my step-daughter and if I try to take rights of my biological daughter there would be a chance that the step-daughter’s mother could get in the way to prevent the two from being together. (She has been causing similar trouble throughout my marriage but wasn’t the cause of the downfall.)
For the past 7 years I’ve been a stay at home mom. No career save writing a few books. No college. No school. So I’m a little lost on that front. But currently I can’t get a job because I am still being a stay at home mom, living with my ex, living in a room that has been catered more for cat habitation than for humans.
It gets weirder. About 6 months ago a complete stranger attempted to murder my ex. (I legally can’t say more about that.) Since then he’s been relying on me to watch our kids even more, I’ve been his life coach, a second therapist, helping him through all these hard ships. I still care about him, and know this won’t sway our decision to separate (we’re better friends than spouses), but I feel that there’s a lot of weight being dropped on my shoulders. Now, as his lawsuit is coming to a close he has promised to do something with the money that rubs me wrong.
He wants to pay me for watching my kids. I feel like I should be focusing on getting a job or getting my book sales up instead of earning an income for watching my girls. It feels gross, but I fiscally can’t refuse. And I can’t really vent this to him or the kids. I have to keep going. Shortly after the divorce my best friend and Grandma died a week apart from each other. And I still had to keep going. Nearly every night I listen to my roommate’s (because that’s what he’s become) woes and keep mine in.
There are days where I can do little more than the bare minimum and I’ve been catching myself wanting nothing more than to fall into a massive vat of hugs. I want comfort and reassurance, but all I’m doing is giving it to my kids and ex. I want someone to prove to me that I have more for me in the future than these walls and rising resentment that is festering inside. Because every day I feel farther and farther way from ever getting onto my own feet.
My parents were in a similar situation back in 2014 when they divorced. Sometimes my mom used to tell me during “financially strapped” seasons that it’s best to keep pushing through the dark season, because one day you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might seem grimy to accept money to look after your own kids, but at least he’s offering a new mode of monetary gain, as opposed to it solely being from book sales. I hope things get better! We’re here to root you on!