I’ve been in therapy since my early 20s, hospitalized several times, I had multiple therapists and could say that i’ve benefited from it greatly tho it was very tough. I used to suffer from obssesive thought, anxiety and severe clinical depression but the things got a bit better with the time.
3 years ago one of my olf friends offered me a job in his business, knowing that I’m coming back from my traveling in brazil to russia. I’m not a kind of person to dedicate my time to making money but since I had none I figured I should give it a try. Work was tough and I had to prove I’m worthy to be a part of the team, so I started taking antidepressants to tolerate the job i don’t like (though I tried to quit 2 times). Time went on and by the end of the second year of work i saved around 25 000$, money that I never had in my life and then the tragic thing happened. It was late 2020, early 2021 when the bull run in crypto strated and I decided to give it a go, eventually i turned 25k into 100k and got euphoric, my friends were not into crypto at that time so they couldnt comprehend what was going on with me. I ended up losing all of my money over the next 2 months having bad trades and trying to make money back, as a result of this I devoloped a strong gambling addiction cause I started to use leverage in trading. I couldnt handle the reality, that I’ve spent 2 years doing what I don;t enjoy, and be around people that dont really understand who I am. I had to develop a persona for fitted the lifestyle my friend expected out of me. So losing everything was a huge trauma and I couldn;t handle it well, i got obssesed with making my money back.
I don’t even know who I’ve turned into but last week I lost everything again, couldnt admit it, and decided to take my partners money to trade what i’ve lost back without telling him, and I lost that money too. They found out and kicked me out of the business. I want to kill myself, I honestly don’t know how I could do such a thing but the pain right now is unbereable, I’m paranoid that nobody in the world would even consider to have a relationship with me if they find out what I’ve done. I really feel like I don’t deserve to be alive.