Honestly, I mean Honestly I feel like I’m just a problem to people, to everyone, since the last HS Stream I was in I’ve been feeling like I shouldn’t hang around, shouldn’t stay around, Because I’ve been losing it over my stress, honestly I appear, go just like a shadow, yet my suicide tendencies have gone up a lot ever since the last stream I was in, yet I will never understand what to do, where to go, what to even say anymore, the fact I talk out of my own emotions. I just don’t even know, I just feel like I should just die, go, instead of being around like a dumbass’d mope that just lives in limbo.
Yet when I thought I had friends, I ended up seeing that I don’t, when I tried to be better than my limits, I saw my own self in anger, the fact I’ve always wanted to be a Hero, always wanted to be someone strong, helpful, instead I’ve seen myself giving up enough times, enough negativity to consume myself…
Yet I mainly take it all out on myself instead of telling others, because I can deal with if myself suffers, yet seeing others suffer, I have no clue. I don’t know honestly, I’m just giving my thoughts through all this, I’m scared to keep moving forward.
The more I keep moving forward the more I keep getting stuck in limbo, the more I don’t know what to do as I’ve more-likely tried to stab myself in the leg a day or two ago, because I’m such a failure to people, even though I should do as good as I can for myself, I don’t want to help me, I want to help others, regardless, still I don’t get why.
I’ve seen what sort of problem I am to others, I’ve seen what sort of crap I cause, the fact I can’t get my mind off what happened during a Previous Stream, I don’t even know what to tell others about, yet I don’t know If I want to die, or If I want to Live…I don’t even know If I should stay strong, or stay weak.
No blood in my heart will ever let go of my anger, my stress, my own hatred because I know I’ll never be as good as I want myself to be, Never in my life.
Who knows what I want to do anymore, yet myself just ranting on all the time, posting this, feeling like crap. I can’t even stand to be as good as my Family. And Seeing Friends doing way better than myself, I guess I’ll never get there.
Even my words are just jumbled messes of confusion, crap…Yet fuck It like I know what to do anymore, I just wanted to help, instead I’m a Problem, a big enough one to get in people’s way, so Instead I’m gonna stay out of the way, until I can find myself, until I know whats right, because I just don’t know what to do anymore, If anyone can help me, please help For I don’t know if I have strength anymore… - J