Does it ever get any better?

Does it ever get better? It’s been years, and today was one of those days that hit you extremely hard, except it hit much much harder than it ever has before. I lost motivation to do even the simplest things. I don’t know if it’s just me but I feel like there’s a tiny person inside of me. It does all the things I am unable to, for instance, it’s been screaming non-stop since yesterday afternoon. And today it’s also been tearing herself apart, literally. Pulling her hair, crying on the floor, and all this in a black room with no light, nobody around. Just her. I feel like she expresses me in ways I can’t express myself considering I can’t show emotions. Today she was at her peak of sadness, and the worst part is I couldn’t tell anyone about it because the reason for my sadness is my friends. And my other friends feel uncomfortable when someone opens up to them because they don’t know what they are supposed to say leaving me with one friend only. She’s already got a lot of problems at home herself and I don’t want to worry her about me any more than she’s already worried about herself. All day I’ve been having suicidal thoughts severely and I just feel like nothing means anything anymore. It’s just useless…

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Hey @Nouniii, thank you so much for being here and for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. That sounds so hard. I am also so sorry that you don’t have anyone to go to about this because that sounds really lonely, but thank you for coming here. I know I’m a random stranger on the internet, but please feel free to message me if you ever just need someone to talk to or someone to listen. I genuinely mean that. I’ve experienced a little bit of the dullness you shared and I know at least a little how tough of a headspace even that can be. You are not alone.

I know it’s cliche to say that it gets better, but I truly believe that it does. I believe that what is true today doesn’t have to be true tomorrow. I truly hope that things get better for you. I think that coming here is an awesome step and I hope that this community can help support you with whatever you need.

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I started asking that question in 2008. I kept asking it as I got better and better jobs, bought a house, and met my wife. All the things were going well, but I didn’t feel any better.

That finally changed last year. The answer was yes, it has gotten better slowly, and it will keep getting better a little bit at a time. I started asking the right questions: who am I, really? I thought I knew the answer (failure, overcomer, hard worker, continuous improver, malcontent), so I never bothered to ask the question. Those were all just things, occupations if you will. They were distortions of the truth, but more importantly they were wrong answers to begin with. I am not my roles, I am a person. I am thorough and analytical, tired, hopeful, jaded, empathetic, well-meaning, grateful, curious, impatient, etc etc. Those are the adjectives that make me myself. Those adjectives determine how I play my roles–husband, engineer, socially disillusioned, recovering Christian, introvert–the things I’d naturally say if someone asked me who I was. Who is @Nouniii in terms of adjectives, not roles? Be honest, use intrinsic values instead of judgments, and don’t dismiss the question with self-deprecating answers.

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