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Does it matter anymore?

I am just so alone. My friends are… gone. Everyone left me when I was fighting with depression and suicidal thoughts. I just have online friends left and I know they are not going to be my friend forever either. My depression is getting better and my suicidal thoughts are mostly gone. But what Im even fighting for? Before depression, I was just so happy. I know my brain is tired of fighting and I don’t know how long it will fight for. Luckly my OCD doesn’t affect me much anymore.

I know I didn’t deserve any of this and this isn’t my fault. But does it matter anymore? I don’t want anything from life anymore. I just… spend my time with video games and they are not fun anymore. I just had enough pain already. This life isn’t for me. I just want to be in a blank space. I want to sleep forever, in darkness. Life doesn’t matter to me anymore. Everything which was stopping me from suicide is gone. I could suicide any moment. But im so tired to do that either.

I wish there was an exit to end all of this. Maybe I should suicide. But then hell will await me. Does it matter anymore?

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It matters because you matter. The good thing with feeling lost is that it means you have yet to create yourself, experience new ways, explore and learn even more. And the fact that your depression and OCD are not getting in the way at the moment is also a huge strength that you have right now. It’s understandable to feel how you feel though. Weirdly enough, when we have to fight for our mental health, we have something to do and a sense of purpose, right? But what is left to us once we find some peace again? It’s scary to be in that place, and oftentimes we almost want to move backwards, to something more familiar even if that means hurting ourselves.

Now that you have found more stability in your mental health, you are seeing some core needs that your depression and OCD were hiding away from you. Loneliness/the need for social connections seems to be a very important one for you - and that’s a fundamental need! Just to understand more, when you say that your friends left you, do you mean that you lost sight of each other over time? Or something else happened? I’d love to hear more of your life context regarding these friendships, if you are willing to share.

I know also that it’s different, but you can be sure that you have friends right here. We’re not moving away. You are so very loved and cared for, @E_Man. Thank you for being here. :hrtlegolove:

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First of all thank you, your words mean a lot.

And my friends left me because they didn’t wanted to deal someone who is depressed. Some of them stayed as my friend but they left too since I was dealing with depression and hadn’t enough time for them.

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Thank you for sharing this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to lose friends because of our personal struggles. Depression is too often misunderstood. In an ideal world, it should be something that deepens the connections between people, create stronger bonds in face of adversity… I’m really sorry that this happened to you. For what it’s worth, I completely understand. Although on my end, I lost sight of most people because 1/ I was not able to commit to them and give them time because I was struggling, 2/ they were not patient enough to stay. It just sucks. It adds an unnecessary pain.

I hope that, despite what happened with them, you won’t lose sight of the fact that being depressed, or struggling with whatever obstacle present in your life, will never make you unlovable or worthless. There are struggles that are very difficult for people to understand. Their expectations become unfair and is the result, mostly, of ignorance. Rest assured that it is it not the case of everyone on this planet though. There are people who understand, people who are patient and committed to their friendships, in spite of the struggles that one could face. It’s easier to find those people online, like here for example, as we gather around our struggles. But it’s still possible to create new friendships in “real life” too, little by little. Somehow, these experiences teach us who is really present or not, who is a genuine friend or not.

How did you meet them at first? Was it at school? Through a hobby/side activity? This feeling of loneliness that you have is not meant to be a final destination for you. It takes time to build new friendships. It requires to dare to go outside again and meet new people. But it’s worth it! There are understanding people out there.

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Hallos! E man first of all you are such a nice person and deserve friends. If you ever just need a chat you know my discord user im here for ya matey. I’m very glad you’re Suicidal thoughts and depression are going. The best way to start getting back into friendships in friends is just getting yourself out there and sometimes out of your comfort zone if you don’t know how to make friends. For anyone it can be hard making friends after a crisis. Doing afterschool clubs help a lot as well and you’re getting you self involved with stuff.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi E Man, just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. It sounds like you were not in a good place the other day, so I hope that you are doing better. I just want you to know that we care about you here and you life does matter… You matter. Please let us know how you’re doing. ~Mystrose

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From: Mamadien

E Man I’m so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. How are you doing today friend? I probably don’t have to tell you how important you are to all of us here in the HS community, but I will. You are a big part of who we are and we love you. Please consider getting some more help for your depression. You are loved, you are important and I can’t imagine this world without you in it. So to answer your question “does it matter anymore?” Yes it very much does. Please come tell us how you are doing.

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From: lovecraft-pilled

I think the key here is you have to take things 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. I think most people feel the way you feel sometimes and it’s a struggle against ourselves that we have to fight. You don’t want to see the view from halfway down. You aren’t going to lose your online friends. We can understand your pain in a way that perhaps your IRL friends can’t. We aren’t ready to see the other side just yet. There’s no going back.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey EMan, its been a few days since you posted this, I hope you have managed to get some rest since then, I hear how tired you are friend, hear how low you feel and Im so sorry you are feeling this way, I want you to know that I and all of us here is SWAT love you so much and want you to use our energy to help you to feel stronger, to know that you are so cared about and supported. Your life matters so much to everyone here and to everyone that you have touched throughout your life with your kind words. Rest as much as you need until you feel strong enough to continue the fight for a better life. I believe in you and we have your back. Much Love Lisa xx

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello there, E_Man! I want to start by telling you that you matter around here and that I am so glad that you are part of the HS community. :hrtlegolove: How are you doing the last few days?

I know you worry that you will not be friends with your online friends forever but I want you to know that isn’t necessarily true and that there are people who have been friends with internet people for a decade or more. I’ve had the same group of friends for nine years. Internet friends are 100% real friends and are just as valid and important as irl friends. I hope that you cherish them and I hope that they are able to help you through what you are going through right now.

You matter. What you are experiencing and going through matters. Everything matters and you are valid and deserve all good things in life. We’re always here for you. Hold fast, friend :hrtlegolove:

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From: SuchBlue

Hi E_Man,

I’m sorry that you feel so tired, not wanting to do anything and feeling so depressed. I have been with online friends for years, some for more than 5 years, so while yes, you can’t socialise with them in real life, they are still your friends and maybe they are even better friends than the ones that you might have in real life.

While this current life isn’t for you, nobody knows the future and with enough effort we can all change our future and make it either better or worse. You are only strong if you think that you are strong, we think that you are and we hope that you will too :hrtlegolove: Feel free to update us with how you’ve been doing and your progress.

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi E_Man,

This place is so hard, and I know it’s hard because I spend a lot of time in it myself. Firstly, can you let us know that you’re safe? I know that in this emptiness that you may not see why we would care, but we do.

Depression is cruel; it makes us push our friends away, which feeds the loneliness, which feeds the depression. Despite that though, you reached out to us here because I think somewhere in the emptiness you know that you and your life do matter.

Reading your words made me think of what I said to my Mum the other day, which was “I’m so tired of being unhappy”, because being unhappy and desperate is draining and often there doesn’t seem like a point to just keeping going to be more unhappy. I think when these moments come it’s our brain telling us that something needs to change to alter the direction of our lives. What that change may be is obviously up to you; perhaps reaching out to a new therapist with a different treatment.You shouldn’t need to feel this way and you definitely do not deserve it, but I think you can find meaning and purpose again.

You matter my friend x

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