Does this make me a bad person?

Hi again everybody.

I’ve been feeling depressed lately.

I don’t want to do anything. I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t want to see Kiera anymore because I don’t want to see her with all the tubes and monitors. I want to see her at home in her swing or her bassinet.

I don’t want to do anymore paperwork. I feel like every time I turn around I need to do more paperwork for someone else. Birth certificate, new patient intake, health insurance appeal, bill reimbursement, bills in general.

I don’t want to be awake anymore. I’m so tired. I don’t know if it’s my 2 hospital stays back to back, if it’s the blood pressure/meds, or the depression but I’m to the point now where I sleep for probably 10 hours a night and also take 1-2 hour naps every day just to get by.

I hate that I feel so bad physically. I hate that I don’t want to see my daughter anymore. I’m just fed up. I want Kiera to come home and all this bs to be over with. When I went on leave I was expecting to be able to relax and bond with my baby and a quarter of the way through I’ve done the opposite. Been in the hospital twice and it hurts me to see Kiera in the NICU. And that makes me feel like a terrible mom from the start.

I’m just done.

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Hey, that doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You’ve had a difficult last 9-10 months that have only gotten more difficult as time has gone on. At a very far removed and conceptual level, I feel that way with moving into our new house. In the past 2 months there have been more obstacles than triumphs in making it a home, even though the triumphs have been greater. As a result, the simplest tasks seem daunting and I shut down as soon as I hit an obstacle. I was venting to my wife about this, and she pointed out that we haven’t gotten a break from stress in the past 2 months and our cortisol levels are constantly elevated. That doesn’t make it better, but it helps it makes sense. Everything you’ve been going through has been longer, more difficult, more complicated, and had greater consequences than my buying and moving process, and the fact that you’re functioning at any level is huge. You’re burnt out, you’re stressed beyond reason, and the difficulties just keep piling up. You haven’t even had a chance to adjust to normal baby stuff yet! When will it be over? When will things be normal? None of this is right, and you’re so freaking tired! So no, you’re not a bad person. You’re stressed, you’re worried, and your endocrine system is doing everything in its power to shut you down for a bit.

I wish I had tips for you to get any sense of relief. If you find any, give me a shout :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: I really hope things get better for you, and I thank you for being honest about pregnancy and motherhood journey. It’s not all magic and joy, and I think a lot of people feel bad when they experience anything other than fucking happiness all the time.

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Thanks.

I think you’re right about stress hormone levels. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been losing weight really fast (2 lbs since yesterday) which I do sometimes when I’m stressed. My husband and I are going to go do something today after we go see Kiera just for a change of scenery and whatnot, which I think I really need right now. Hopefully it helps.

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Sounds like postpartum depression which is very, very common.

I remember when my depression hit me after I had my son. I decided I just couldn’t do it, couldn’t be a mom. Luckily, my mother came to my aid and stayed with us for a week helping out.

Hang in there @Sapphire you go this.

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I talked to my husband and let him know I might have post partum depression. I’m going to make an appointment with my PCP and talk her her about it and adjusting my meds. Also want to see if she thinks I may have had a seizure qt the hospital.

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Very good idea :rose:

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Hi Sapphire
I am so sorry you feel like this. There have been so many things on your shoulders lately. So many worries, so many fears, so much pain and anxiety. No Sapphire you are not a bad person for feeling like this. You are a person for feeling like this. You are exhausted and you want this whole thing to be over. You want to have Kiera safely at home and be happy. That is a beautiful wish. There is nothing wrong or bad about it. I hope it will come true soon :slightly_smiling_face:

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So I had a bad mental day yesterday.

Went to the doctor and they did increase my Zoloft however I didn’t pick of the prescription since I still have some at home to just take 2 of.

I had also gone in to get the birth control shot but decided against it after being told to go here, there and everywhere to hunt down the shot because nobody told me I had to pick it up from the pharmacy. Then had to wait 45 mins for the doc to sign the order for it. All the while there was a lady and her 3 kids who went to the pharmacy for snacks and were tearing the place apart, running around and screaming, no discipline whatsoever.

My BP was ‘fine’. They said I might be so tired because it dropped so far so fast. They recommended against the shot and we discussed a couple more methods as well as my anemia. Apparently it’s not normal to have bruises for weeks but I still have a bruise from the IV I got when I had my c-section. :confused:

After all that we went to see Kiera and it just really did a number on me. I held her for a while before her feeding. Whenever she would look at me or my husband I would imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to talk yet and I know she likes our company and I wish we could finally take her home but we can’t and I hate it. I feel guilty leaving her there again and again even though I know it’s not my fault. I just want her home.

Ended up going home and crying. Laid down to take a nap and my husband laid down with me to comfort me. -sigh- I really just want Kiera home.

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Hi Sapphire
You have so much to deal with. You deserve a break. Dont worry about Kiera being in hospital. I was also in a hospital when i was born prematurely and I remember none of it. I understand that you want Kiera home and I woud really loved for that to finally happen. I really hope it will soon :wink:

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Yea. I know, I don’t remember any of when I was either. But… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain I guess. Rationally I know her life is not in danger and she won’t remember it but I guess the mom instincts or whatever just make it nearly unbearable to not be able to take her home and having to see her with the feeding tube and all the wires and monitors. It’s hard.

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Its hard is such an understatement. Being separated from your child after the birth is extremely hard for a loving mother like yourself. Dont blame yourself for feeling this way. It just shows how much you care for Kiera :wink:

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I had my appointment with my PCP yesterday. She said I’m definitely anemic and prescribed me an iron supplement as well as a new prescription for my anxiety meds at double the dose. She is also going to get me back on my old blood pressure meds. When I asked her about the faint spells she said it sounds like a heart problem, so at my next appointment we are going to try to get me in touch with a cardiologist. Anymore if I stand for more than a few minutes I can feel a faint coming.

Kiera ate pretty well yesterday. She did throw up when they had to finish her feed on the tube. She drank 3/4 of her formula from the bottle which is amazing. If she can keep doing that and do more of her feeds by bottle rather than my tube she will be doing great.

I talked to my boss about taking my bonding leave when Kiera gets home since my short term disability for the c-section is half gone and we still don’t know for sure when she will come home and my boss is being very supportive so that’s good.

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I am glad that Kiera is doing well. Hopefully she will be home soon. Also its great that your boss is understanding and supportive. I hope it all goes well regarding your health. Giving birth is a huge shock for the body so it can reveal some underlying health issues. Hopefully its nothing serious though. Wishing you luck :wink:

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