I logged in recently and read the last thing I had posted here…i guess I didn’t realize how badly I felt then. It was upsetting to read. I’ve been feeling better for a couple months. I still think I’m a piece of shit for the selfish, racist way I ignored my former friends entire experiences because I was too afraid to break up with this ain’t shit guy. I’m always going to feel like a piece of shit and hate myself for this the rest of my life. There is nothing I can do to repair the hurt. But I have been managing the guilt better I guess.
I realized it doesnt help to hate myself so much I don’t function right. Maybe my former best friends don’t want anything to do with me because I was a thoughtless asshole but I’m sure they don’t wish any ill will on me. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want me to hurt anyone else. And I can only keep from hurting others if I deal with my problems and I’m okay with myself. I think I have sort of gotten there. I got a different job which helped a lot, I was failing so badly before so now at least I can look at work and feel very successful. It really, really helped. I also stopped putting pressure on myself to be in a relationship. I no longer care about getting married and it feels good (I was scared about it before and put a lot of self worth on it and that ruined my life) it feels like have a lot of time in my future now. I can change my mind if I want, but I feel no pressure, so I won’t act stupidly again. I have good friends too who help me. I started trying to establish a relationship with God to, for what it’s worth. Idk what exactly changed. Maybe all these things combined but I don’t lie in bed berating myself for hours or every night anymore, I don’t break down on a regular basis, I don’t wish I was dead anymore.
I didn’t talk fully to anyone about how badly I felt. I took seratonin for a brief period but stopped, and when I went off it I had the side affect where it spiked my anxiety. So I was talking to a friend and she helped me feel better just by being herself and said to me I could talk to her about the more heavy stuff and that sometimes she and the friends who I estranged feel like I hold them at arms length because I don’t say things. I kept my cool and said I don’t want to bother anyone w/ my problems and tbh no one but me can solve them - no one but me can do the work of stopping negative thoughts, stopping making everything into a catastrophe, etc.
I got really angry when she said that though. I didn’t like how angry I was, I feel wrong to be angry at my friend and wrong to be angry at people I estranged with my shitty behavior. But I was so mad because like I said in my last post every friend who has said to me to be more honest had bottled things up about me and either exploded at me or ghosted me, never talking about. I got esp mad that she mentioned the people I estranged bc they chose to ghost me so if they have such a problem with my behavior they can tell me themselves if it’s so fucking important. People ask me to do this thing they don’t do for me. It makes me feel like my own friends don’t respect me. I know part of the problem is im inexcusably obtuse and self centered and I’m trying to fix it but it also doesn’t help when people actively hide things from me.
I want to point this out to this friend not in a combative way but to say can you offer some insight as to why I make people, you included, bottle up? What about me makes people not want to be honest with me. But I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid she’ll think I’m attacking her and she won’t tell me. I’m just always afraid to talk about a lot of things bc since this has happened so much I am afraid I will hurt someone and they’ll say nothing, and I keep hurting them and they’ll just ghost me. It’s hard to not think I’m too stupid to function because I can’t even tell when I’m being selfish to people I claim are my friends. I don’t know. Has anyone else had this problem? I want to be a better friend but I’m afraid to cause problems.