Hey @crescentfallen,
It is very brave of you and admirable to share what’s been on your heart these days, as well as to seek therapy - especially when you’ve been feeling like trying to survive just as you can. I’m truly sorry that life has not been taking a direction that you wanted recently, whether it’s regarding your job, your relationships, and overall feeling like owning your life with a sense of purpose. It’s so hard when it feels like life keeps deciding for us, and that our own sense of agency is taking away from us over and over. We all have expectations when it comes to such fundamental parts of our life. When it doesn’t seem to go the way we want, it makes completely sense to feel disappointed, defeated, heartbroken.
You are here today, reaching out, and somehow you know that there has to be more than this. Your life circumstances are not meant to be a dead end. They are not meant to be the end of you, even if for now it all feels pointless and purposeless. Just like it might have been difficult to imagine how things could change over time, it can take a new turn over the next weeks, months and years, and you can find yourself in the future feeling more empowered, having met people who have a positive impact on you, and proud of yourself for making it through this very difficult season of your life. You deserve to keep trying, you deserve to seek what nurtures you, you deserve to heal, find peace and closure after this relationship with your ex. You are worth it, you are worth giving yourself all that time, patience and love that you need right now.
You haven’t failed. And where you’re at right now is not a final destination. It is a tough chapter during with it is particularly difficult to envision what could come next.
I don’t see why I still fucking care. I wish for karma for him almost every day.
It’s not your fault if you still care, although I hear and understand how much you wish it could be different. Personally, I’ve definitely known times in my life when I was still expecting some people to love me while I knew rationally that they were unable to do it. It’s actually a dichotomy that I keep experiencing. And it plenty sucks. This inner conflict between your mind and your heart, with this intense need for your heart to just stop caring, to just stop feeling, to learn to move forward and stop dwelling on the pain… It’s a hard place to be. During such hard times, we need even more patience and care from ourselves than ever. You are not your own enemy for caring, even if it hurts deeply. You are your own ally because your heart is still processing what happened, and how to place this part of your story into your own journey in ways that won’t hurt as much when you’ll look back. Healing takes time, grief takes time, and it’s okay to feel whatever needs to be felt. You’re not regressing or moving backwards. You are trying to find your way and to compose with something that hurts, and had a major impact on you.
Your feelings matter, what you go through matter, always. Whether people in your life actually embrace that truth or not. What goes on inside of your mind and heart is essential.
Therapy doesn’t seem actually worth it. My therapist won’t listen to looking into a disorder or why I act the way I do. She just asks me “what kind of treatment/what do I expect” out of treatment. I don’t know, I thought she’d figure that one out.
It sounds like this is exactly what needs to be said to her: “I don’t know, I need you to help me figure this out”. Generally, therapists are going to ask this question because a (frustrating) part of healing is that we learn as we go what are our needs, what kind of help we need, and we own the healing process - even though we can get to the point of feeling like we need someone who’d come up to save us or bring answers to our questions. Therapists don’t really expect you to have a final answer to that kind of question, but would generally use it as a way to invite you to think about your “why” when it comes to therapy. Why do you feel the need to be helped by a therapist, what has decided you to open that door, etc. It’s also a way for therapists to see if they will be a good match for you depending on their methods and training/education.
Are you seeking diagnosis? Are you considering medications to help you? Do you need to talk to someone on a regular basis and in a safe place - and if so, what about? Or would you need more a practical type of help, with “exercises” to practice between your therapy appointments? do you need coping mechanisms? Do you need help to work on your suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness? Do you need to feel heard? Safe? Acknowledged? Understood? Do you need ways to release your emotions? etc.
It’s okay if you don’t have the answers now. You’re not expected to know all of it instantly. It’s more a process that you discover progressively, throughout your interactions with your therapist, whose role is also to mirror things to you in order to help you. To help them help you, you are absolutely encouraged to let them know that, right now you don’t know what you can expect or what you need from therapy. That you feel lost and need them to help you figure this out.
Personally, something that my therapy usually asks that helps me, is “what do you bring with you today?”. As in: what do I want to share and talk about today, what I want this session to be focused on. Generally, I come to the appointments not knowing in advance, and once I’m there and asked this, I realize that I have a lot more to say than I thought initially. If it can help, when you are at your session next time, you can try to identify what you want it to be focused on this time. It’s okay if there’s multiple things. It’s okay if it feels messy and chaotic - as you discuss, you’ll make spontaneous connections you didn’t expect to make at first. there’s a high chance that whatever comes to your mind quickly is what needs to be shared at the moment. Overall, you can orient the meeting and, that way, provide the means for your therapist to help understand you more, and support you better.
But I’m too much of a chicken shit to actually kill myself.
You are brave for being here, for not giving up on yourself. You matter, @crescentfallen. What you are going through is difficult and hurtful. Yet you still belong, and you have worth in this world. 