Don’t feel worthy of living

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts on and off for a little while now. It isn’t something I’d actually follow through with though because I own a dog who is reactive and only trusts myself, so for his sake, I have to stay alive.

I’ve been going through tremendous financial issues that I can’t seem to get out from under. It seems like the hole keeps getting deeper and deeper. I feel like my family is ashamed of me for asking for financial help over and over again.

I’m at risk of losing home and vehicle so it’s a lot to handle right now. All I want to do is sleep or disappear.

I am hoping to get some encouraging words from the community as I don’t have any encouraging words for myself anymore…

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Hi there,

Welcome here and thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry to hear that you have to carry so much on your shoulders. I relate with what you said, living with suicidal thoughts make life so hard to handle and steals all the hope for the future. It can be very difficult to have a support, or something to makes us going, but you have your dog and he literally needs you alive, and as you said you have to stay alive for him. Even if he doesn’t understand you completely, I’m sure he can bright up your days with his affection and love he carries for you.
Looking back now and seeing how far I’ve made it and how many things I’ve experienced and connections with people I’ve made, makes me glad that i fought a little longer and stayed alive when i just wanted to die.
Have you considered in going to a professional that might help you better? I know it might cost, but maybe there are some free sessions, I don’t know if something like that is available tho…but you can try to look for something.
If you ever feel that you need immediate help please reach out to a crisis helpline/chat: Crisis Resources | HeartSupport

Besides the dark thoughts, the financial issues add more weight to what you are already carrying. But unfortunately it happens, life punch us in the face. Even if you ask for financial help from your family they are not ashamed of you, it’s something you assume only, I suppose. I understand how that can feel, and it’s not pleasant to feel vulnerable in that way, to not be independent financially anymore, and sometimes it’s so hard to just accept the fact that we need help which makes this task harder for us; but it’s good that they are there for you, and that they can help you and are willing to help you. Maybe you would have done the same if the roles were inversed. I don’t know if you refer to your parents, but if you do, then they don’t feel sorry for helping you when you need it, parents are supposed to help us whenever they can, or even relatives, because they love us. Maybe after if you feel like they gave you too much you can give an attention back in return to show your gratitude for what they’ve done for you, but after you are stabilized and at peace with everything. And just in general we help people who need help no matter the circumstances. And it won’t always be like this, it’s just a bad period of your life, but it’s not a bad life completely. Maybe you can try to find a new job, or to sell something that you don’t use anymore, maybe to find out how to save more money, I’m not an expert because I’m also trying to save more money and something that helped a bit was to ask myself “Do I really need it, or I just want it?”
It’s normal to feel a lot, in this situation when your home and vehicle are at risk of being taken away. You want to escape from this part of life and it’s understandable, but it will pass, as long as we wake up in the morning, we can still have something to fight for, to fight for a change maybe. Hold on to hope and try not to lose it, even if now the future can’t be seen because of the darkness, but once the haze gets away from your sight, you can see the light and all the nice things life has to offer, paying attention to little things makes going forward a bit easier.
I hope you will manage to resolve everything somehow.
Best regards.

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Thank you for taking the time to send your advice and feedback. It really means a lot to me especially right now. I’m trying to simplify things and focus on daily tasks, including taking care of myself. The shame I feel is overwhelming. I’ve always struggled with needing validation from outside sources so this circumstance just sort of catapulted that even more. I want to learn how to love myself again…

Of course, I’m glad you are here. That’s a great way to start, to focus on little things you can control everyday, and especially taking care of yourself, you deserve that. I also struggled for so long with loving myself, but slowly with the help of other and paying attention to their positive feedback made me see that I’m not as unworthy as I thought so, you see, my vison was blurry back then. But also i used to do more things that i enjoyed, listening to music, drawing, reading, playing with my cats.
I think here, you need to find what works for you, try to find new hobbies maybe, or go back to old ones.
The shame doesn’t define you, it’s there, you feel it, it’s not nice at all, but you can ignore it and I hope it will pass soon.
All it takes is to try to make a change, you can do that, I know you can. And we are here, you are not alone in this.
:heart:

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@monsteraleaves

Hi, welcome to @HeartSupport_Server

sorry that you are having such a rough moment in your life, that is great you have a dog thay can encourage you to stay alive which is great support as well not to be in a dark place and keep you occupied.

As per financial status i understand how u feel it can be overwhelming when financially stuck and asking for help. Sometimes we have to change our scenary, change our job for the better finanicial status.

You can do this, be postive.
Maybe you can ask for financial support from organizations to understand your status or what steps you can take, and moving forward.

Have a blesa day

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Thank you for your kind words. It truly means a lot to me that I can reach out to other people about the issues I’m facing. I am feeling better each day, as long as I stay focused on taking care of myself and the small daily tasks then I feel like I am in control.

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Hi friend,

I feel your pain. My suffering follows a similar trajectory as yours. Financial ruin, maybe losing my home and family, begging for money, add to it my relationship issues with my wife and stepkids. The only reason that I’m still here is my son and his smile.
Hold onto hope my brother.

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