There is so much going on inside of me, i have no idea how to feel.
I tried to straighten out my thoughts by writing stuff down, but now i am even more confused.
I feel so uncomfortable in my body right now and i feel like i am going to explode. My thoughts keep racing and it all too much now.
I don’t know when it was the last time that i broke down in tears, but that is what is happening right now. I am laying in my bed, trying to form sentences while embarrassing tons of tears are running down my face.
My heart feels broken and i don’t know how to handle it all. I feel stuck in my emotions.
I am trying to be okay, but the self destructive thoughts are hitting hard.
I am alone and i do not know who to reach out to. I have annoyed my friends enough for this month and i cant handle that all too well… i don’t want to do this anymore
Phew, yeah, just reading this I felt myself holding my breath…the reality of the emotional weight you’re carrying is super heavy…to feel like you’re going to explode, to feel like you’re overwhelmed with all of these feelings but have /no idea/ what to do with them except let them swallow you…and then to know that there’s a way out, to reach out to others, but to feel like you’ve got no one left, like you’ve burnt all your matches, and you’re freezing cold…it’s really brutal.
It’s hard especially when you feel like there’s something at stake of you getting control of your emotions…it feels like if you can’t get a grip, then you’re going to self-destruct…or self-sabotage…or do some shit to make things even worse…it feels like there’s stuff at stake, like you could go lower, and like you can’t even handle the thought of anything being any worse.
It is a brutal spot to be in, man.
One of the things I had to practice is that when I’m spiraling, I /have/ to push through and reach out. Honestly, I can’t get myself out of a downward spiral if I’m left to my own thoughts. Even if I was afraid I’d be a burden or that I’d catch someone at the wrong time, etc, etc, I had to choose to reach out because I knew that if I didn’t, the rabbit hole can go lower still.
I’m glad you reached out here, that you gave yourself the chance to at least get this off your chest. I also want to encourage you that you’re looking in the right place, that you’re desiring the right things. And I want to challenge you to push through the resistance. You are worth it.
I really appreciate your reply, thank you.
It is so hard not to get lost in my thoughts and i hate myself for not being able to be alone with my thoughts.
I cannot make myself reach out to people, the only thing i can make myself do is post here…