Don’t know how to get over this relationship

I just miss her everyday and it makes me angry that it’s so easy for her to move on and be happy with someone else. It makes me feel like all the years of sacrifice so she could have a better life we’re for nothing. I paid all her bills,toiletries, food for over 4 years. Bought her a car when hers broke down. I would work 12 hours a day 6 days a week and come home and do her college math on the computer for her because she has a learning disability with math. Any spare time I had I would go to her school and let her do stuff to me to get her college credits for cosmetology and she never took her test to become one after all that. Her family was abusive to me, stole from me, treated me like garbage, always talked bad about me and all I did was help them. And when I’d finally get fed up and lash out I “had anger problems” or was labeled crazy when anyone else would’ve had them arrested or just left the relationship. I was so supportive and did everything I could for her. I never even wanted to be married bc my parents marriage and divorce was horrible. But she made me feel bad for not proposing sooner so I did that too. I wanted to marry her but I wanted it to be on my terms and I’m my own time and she basically told me if it wasn’t within the next year she’d leave bc she wasn’t gonna be “just a girlfriend forever” I just feel like nothing was ever good enough. No amount of effort or money was enough for her to reciprocate or love me the way I loved her. I put so much effort into our relationship I made no time for my own life and now I’m 28 and feel alone and lost and have no idea what I want to do with myself. And she’s off loving her life having fun. It took her 4 years of being with me before she was willing to get a job but she gets with this guy and got one immediately. She’s already doing things for others she was never willing to do for me. It just makes me depressed and angry and makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Why wasn’t I ever good enough? Why wasn’t I worth that effort? I just don’t get it

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey there, friend. I’m sorry that you were in a relationship that was so one-sided. You definitely don’t deserve to be taken advantage of or manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do. You sound like an amazing and kind person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who will support you as much as you want to support them. Someone who wants the same things as you and will not pressure you into things that you don’t want. You are definitely good enough and worth a healthy and reciprocal relationship with someone. I think that you need to find some self-love to help you get over these feelings and help you move on from her. Find a new hobby or put in some time with a favourite hobby. Rediscover yourself and once you have healed then I hope that you can find that healthy relationship with someone new. And I hope that you will be able to take the lessons you learned and the warning signs from this relationship so that you do not let history repeat itself in the future. Good luck out there and I wish you all the good vibes in healing from this break-up :hrtlegolove:

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From: Manni XP

Hey, Johnny. Thanks for sharing here. That really, really sucks, man! I’m sorry you’re going through that. You sound like a really caring person, and the lengths to which you went for someone about whom you cared really speak well about you. It also sounds like she took advantage of that. This was not your fault. It was not your fault. Her actions were not your fault. I believe that you are deserving of love from someone who cares as much as you do (which is a lot). I also believe that it may help you to learn more about establishing boundaries. This may help protect you from such situations moving forward. The pain (and consequent anger) of betrayal may get easier with time. If you need, then I want to encourage you to seek professional resources - they may help guide you through your recovery from what may well have been a traumatic experience.

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Devil’s advocate answer for why you weren’t worth the effort: your incompatibility kept her repressed and angry. However, having been in your shoes, I don’t actually believe that. Sounds like she was focused only on her needs in your relationship.

How amazing was your relationship in the beginning? Think back to what you did and how you felt, and consider whether that’s being reflected in her current behaviors. Or don’t if it’s too painful to think about, which it may very well be. The point, though, is maybe she’s repeating a pattern: having fun with someone new, feeling good, doing new things because she’s flying high on that new thing. Will the good times last a year? Six months? Three months? No telling, but maybe not.

The refrain playing through my head in my 5 year toxic relationship was the anthem line from The Offspring’s “Self Esteem:” The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? In the most depressed period of my life, instead of investing in myself, I gave and gave to make her happy. If she was happy, my happiness would follow, right? If I could just be and do everything she wanted, things would be good, right? By the end, I think she was tired of being with a guy who wouldn’t stand up for himself and wasn’t helping her grow, plus she had squeezed me for everything I had.

She was the center of my world for 5 years. When she left, I felt lost. I didn’t know what I was living for. Go to work, come home, eat, sleep, all for what? Meanwhile she was dating someone new, a dork who ran marathons and birdwatched. She started training for a marathon, and I imagined she looked incredible. How, after 5 years, could she be fully committed to this guy like I was nothing?

You have a head start over where I was post-breakup. You’re acknowledging how fucked her treatment of you was–the proposal, the “anger issues,” the way her family treated you. That’s what’s real. What you’re missing is the idea of her–a warm body to come home to, a companion to talk to til you fell asleep, someone to share goals and aspirations with. Those are all great things, and things worth missing. They’re also things that, when you’ve healed and are ready to date again (don’t rush this part), you can find with someone else–someone who doesn’t taint companionship with debasement and emotional abuse.

My ex wound up marrying that dork. Sometimes I wonder if she’s cheated on him like she did me, or if she grinds him under her thumb; but we broke up 10 years ago and it doesn’t matter anymore. She found someone she was comfortable pledging the rest of her life to, and I eventually found someone who affirms, supports, and celebrates the whole me. Marrying her would have been a disaster. When she left, she ripped away a swelling cancer. It hurt like hell and left scars, but I healed and began to thrive (eventually). For you, it’s fresh right now. Maybe you wonder what says about you that you put up with her mistreatment, sacrificed so much, and it still wasn’t enough to keep her. Will you ever meet anyone who fights like she fought, fucks like she fucked, or pushes you to be a “better man” the way she did? Will you ever be able to recreate what you had with her? The answer is no, but in time you’ll see that that’s a very good thing. It’s an opportunity to create something totally different, armed with knowledge of the red flags you don’t want to reincorporate into a new relationship. It took me years to realize it. You’ll need to believe it for yourself, but I hope my story can give you just a little hope that there’s better waiting for you out there :hrtlovefist:

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