Honestly I’m so done trying to be alive and tired dealing with my trauma. I thought going to college would change it. I can’t get a job no driver’s licenses no friends anymore yea people say they miss me but they didn’t know the real me only the show version of me. I’m done pretending. This is the fifth aniversery of my parents separation they were both toxic and somehow I still miss him even though he was a bad guy. It’s been almost 8 months since my sister figure died and I don’t wanna live another year. Each day keeps getting hard my past is a constant reminder there’s really no hope for me. I can’t communicate with anyone physically always hiding behind my phone in class scared of everyone and can’t take it anymore people laugh at my odd behavior. My family can carry on without me guess having the same birthday as kurt makes since. I’ve given up on my one true love of music because I suck my voice isn’t great and I can’t scream guess I’m never going be a rockstar that’s the only thing I ever wanted my dad even throw away my songs when I was younger he was right music just isn’t me. I can’t do anything right people think their interactions with me out weird cause I’ve never fit into any equation. The only thing good about this year was seeing Ronnie radke and miw. The only times I’ve felt happy but can’t afford concerts anymore. I don’t even know my life is so fxcjed and I can’t fix it I’ve tried
thank you for being so raw and honest. I can’t imagine the heartache you feel being so separated from family. Sometimes people keep piling on and don’t really realise the impact their words and actions have on others, but that is no reflection of the value your life holds. You are a unique individual who hold so much worth.
I’m sorry that your dad responded negatively to your music. Perhaps that type of music is something he doesn’t understand. One of my favourite bands is under oath and following Spencer’s singing journey is incredible. The guy nearly messed up his vocal chords from screaming incorrectly. But he got himself together and learned the techniques. There’s so many stories I’ve heard of people being told they’re too ugly, not good enough, ect. Even Ed Sheeran’s demo stuff was roughhhhh! I heard one and the dude just didn’t sound as good as he does now. Even when it comes to writing music, people evolve and grow. There’s no right and set way to create music.
my last note is this- please reach out to support. Don’t let your voice be silenced, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to feel passionate about life and the things you want to pursue. Hope to hear from you soon
That’s good. Pretending takes a lot of energy and prevents happiness. It’s not correct that any amount of pretending will lead to being respected. To be unapologetically authentic, generally causes others to work towards earning your respect.
That’s okay. It just means you still care for that part of him which is good.
If you’ve convinced yourself that your past dictates what happens in your future, I can understand feeling hopeless. The sad thing is, once you feel hopeless, you become blind to any reason for feeling hopeful. The reasons exist, but not according to your perception. I’m sorry you’ve been living with this sadness.
There’s always reason to hope. I can tell by your writing that you have sensitivity and writing skill. That’s evidence that you have the potential to be of service and supportive of others.
I lost someone close on 8/27. I’m still reeling from it. I love the spirit and memory of that person. I want to hold on to that for as long as possible.
I was a short, dumpy, fat kid, who got really upset when others laughed at me. My parents dressed me in embarrassing clothes. Seeing me get upset, just caused them to laugh at me more. To say my behavior was odd is an understatement. This was decades before cell phones, and I couldn’t hide. The thing is, all that hardship lead me to being a very self-reliant person later on. That’s when folks started seeking my company. It hurts to be laughed at, at least until one asks, “does it have to hurt?”
Odd behavior is a hallmark of people like Bill Gates, Edison, Steve Jobs, etc. To be okay with being odd, means not having to worry about fitting in with groups that probably aren’t that interesting anyway.
One of my music professors told me, the most talented musicians are rarely heard of. Becoming a famous rock star is a bit like winning the lottery. For every one who’s famous, there are millions who are more talented that are never heard of. It isn’t fair, but that’s how the industry works. Too often the famous ones try to imitate each other in an attempt to sell more music, hence their art suffers. Still, you might be able to be famous enough locally, or who knows, you might win the “stardom lottery.”
Regarding your voice, take note of how many singers have a very limited vocal range. They just manage to find music that’s compatible with it. Another way to love music is to write it or compose melodies.
When it comes to making music, very often your own family is your worst critic. It might be better to wait until you’re able to be more independent. In the meantime, it’s probably best if your dad isn’t given the chance to throw away any more songs.
Trying to fit in usually creates an energy of discomfort, and interactions are awkward. Try an experiment. Be 100% yourself. The results may surprise you.