Don't know how to keep living

I can’t function everyday. Everything I do in a day is forced. I force myself to wake up, to get up, to shower, to go to work, and spend 8 and a half hours of my life at the office wishing I was home. Most days I’m low on energy, randomly feel anxious and worry about breaking down and crying at work.

I’m so sick of it. The past few weekends have been full. My friend and I are spending a lot more time than usual together (mostly because she and her boyfriend are going through problems).

We go out for ice cream, we had a spontaneous trip, we go grocery shopping together, and we even bought 2 concert tickets for May and June. It’ll be the first time I’ve been to a concert, but I don’t even have the energy to do that. She wanted to go out tonight and I made an excuse of getting out of work late so I couldn’t go with her.

I don’t have the energy to do anything. Although we have fun, it’s brief. I feel hopeless, and I’m sick of life. I don’t have hobbies anymore nor do I have the energy or desire to get involved in hobbies.

I don’t wanna do anything other than stay in bed and cry

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Stuck. I am sorry you are feeling like this. It really sucks. You are possibly suffering from depression. The recent breakup definitely triggered it to come back. I know you have been dealing with suicidal thoughts before so. I really think you should seek medical help and therapy. It really seems like you are in crisis and you should seek help. It is good though that you have someone to talk to whom can relate to you. Please try to seek the proffesional help you need. You have suffered in silence enough. You deserve to feel better. :heart:

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From: ManekiNeko

outside of your friend, do you have support from people who have noticed that you’ve been feeling less energetic or more disinterested? I can relate to those feelings, and can relate to not looking forward to doing things, but I’m glad you enjoy it in the moment! Try to keep reminding yourself that it is worth it [email protected] having fun with someone you enjoy being around.

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From: SuchBlue

It really seems like you’re going through a tough time, with so much need to calm down and stop for a bit but yet have no time to do so. I wouldn’t see why you shouldn’t tell your friend about this, maybe being clearer about it would improve the friendship with both of you. You seem like you both are going through a similar situation, so it would make both of you feel better if you talk about it. A lot of people feel like this, and I’m sorry that you do too. Try to seek professional help and see what works best for you. I’m glad that you had fun for at least a little bit and I hope that you will have those moments again soon :hrtlegolove: You matter

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From: sea__kay

Hey Stuck, it’s so tough to be in such a difficult place of forcing yourself through everything all day every day. I can relate a lot to what this feels like. When I was in a state where I didn’t make it out of bed anymore, I focused on small things and tried to see them as accomplishments. I think it’s also important to push yourself a bit and stay in touch with your friend and to be involved in a couple of activities. At least in my experience, I feel even worse when I don’t do anything. Getting things done could feel kind of rewarding. Do you talk with your friend about how you’re feeling? Maybe some professional support could be helpful, if that was something you could think of and was accessible to you. Sending you hugs. You’re loved.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Stuck, you’ve just described depression very well. It’s good to have someone to talk to and hang out with after a break up. It also helps that your friend can relate to you. Sometimes, it’s nice to just be alone too, so don’t beat yourself up. I know how hard it is when you are mentally exhausted and just done with everything. It’s ok to take a break. hang in there friend ~Mystrose

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi there Stuck,

I could just feel the weight of what depression does to you when I read your post. I think that you are amazingly strong to be feeling this way and still be supporting your friend. I hope your friend knows how lucky they are to have you.

Have you opened up to your friend about how you’re feeling? It’s so easy to keep all this heaviness and sadness inside us, but it’s not healthy. You shouldn’t have to feel you need to go through the motions of the day and go to places you do not want to go to. Reaching out for help and support for how you’re feeling now is important. You matter my friend x

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you very much for your post, I am so sorry you are having such a bad time, it sound like you have really been through the mill this year and for that I feel for you. It is so hard to find the energy to do anything when you feel so low but to have a good friend that you can turn to is a wonderful thing and i am so glad that you have that. I can understand that you dont wish to really go to concerts but even though your energy levels are low due to your depression, i would really encourage you to go out whenever you can with your friend, just somewhere quiet like your trip out for ice cream or to a park for a walk or a picnic just outside, getting air seeing life and nature and breathing fresh air, it will all help you feel more energetic and a bit better. I get that this is not a fix for how you feel and I wish I had the answer for that but it will help in the long run of that i am sure. you take good care and remember we are always here for you friend. Much Love Lisa. xx

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From: Mamadien

I’m sorry that you are feeling like you are pushing yourself through your days. It does sound like you are doing many positive things to keep moving through this time and that you have a friend who is supportive. That is good. It can be difficult to overcome the feeling of fatigue to do things but you have found ways to do that and stay active. You are stronger than you realize. Finding time to do things just for you that promote your health is important. Please know you are worth taking care of you.

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey, friend! I’m sorry you are having to force yourself to do everything right now but the fact that you are able to force yourself to continue functioning and participating in things is an amazing accomplishment when dealing with depression. I’m proud of you for continuing to manage it day after day.

Going out and doing things can be tiring for sure but I’m glad you are enjoying spending time with your friend and that you are able to spend that extra time with her. Why did you cancel on her exactly? Were you too tired to go out or too tired to do anything at all? Have you two ever spent a quiet night in together playing so silly game or watching shows/movies together with some junk food? When you have little energy sometimes doing low energy but fun things with friends can help energize you. You get to have fun and get the dopamine rush of spending time with your friend while not having to expend much energy at all. It helps me a lot when I have no energy because of depression but want to have fun and be happier even if temporarily. A chill night in may help you some if your friend is interested in a few of those. But it sounds like the things you two are doing are definitely fun and I’m glad you enjoy them even if the feeling does not last long term. You seem to have a good source of dopamine. Hopefully you can find something to make you happy long term so you can get some of the serotonin that helps maintain happiness long term.

And it’s perfectly okay to sometimes spend time in bed crying. It can sometimes help so much to get a lot of the sadness out in one go. Carrying around the feeling of wanting to cry can drain you as much as anything. Have you ever felt energetic after a good cry? If not then I encourage you to let yourself have a good long cry and see if it helps you feel better for a bit. You may be surprised and find something that can help you. Or have a good long cry that leads to falling straight to sleep where your mind can explore your depression in your sleep and maybe work on it a bit subconsciously. I’m rambling. Sorry I know this struggle far too well and I am so sorry that feel this way as well.

Hang in there and please let yourself rest. You do not have to be stuck forever. I hope some day you feel a little less stuck :hrtlegolove:

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More things happen tonight and I’m so sick of everything. It’s a long story that I don’t wanna have to type but all I can say is that I’m sick of living. My entire existence feels like torture

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I wanted to thank everyone for the advice they’ve been giving but at this point, I don’t see the point. I’m just so sad all the fucking time. I don’t understand why I’m consistently told to keep going when I’m consistently down.

I told my friend how I’ve been feeling and that if I’m being weird or distant then to not take It personally.
She calls me twice and I decline both times. She then sends me a voice memo and tells me that she and her sisters are going to this place where they have vegan things (I’m vegan) and if I wanted to go with them then i can.

Now I feel guilty for saying no because she thought going out would cheer me up

Fuck everything, now I feel worse

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I know it is hard to imagine things ever getting better when you feel so sad but I believe you can find a way to get better. Please reach out to someone if you feel you are in crisis. Please call your friend and tell her you need her or call one of the crisis lines you should be able to find one here: Heartsupport List of Crisis Lines & MH Services - Google Sheets

Please call someone and let yourself cry. I wasn’t kidding before when I said it can help you feel better when all you feel is sad and stuck. Please don’t feel guilty for telling your friend you didn’t want to go out. Ask her to come to you if you need someone right now. Please do not sit there alone with these thoughts. Stay safe, friend :hrtlegolove: -eloquentpetrichor

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I feel so guilty, I feel like I let everyone down. I try to get better. I go to therapy every week. I do everything you’re supposed to

I went through school and then college. I went through a traumatic situation regarding sexual harassment (that’s when I started seeing a psychologist at my university because I thought I was going crazy), I started seeing a psychiatrist and nearly went broke trying different meds because none were effective while paying $75/ visit every 2 weeks. I graduated, struggled to find a job. I found work through temp agency. I landed the job I currently have. It’s a decent job.

I have been through so much shit and one thing was constant. Deteriorating mental health. Still just continuing to go through the motions. At what stage am I allowed to give up. How much lower am I expected to go

This entire time I’ve been trying to get better. I’ve tried workbooks, I’ve tried journalling, I’ve tried distractions…I’m tired

All I feel like is I’ve let people down. People try to help and when I don’t feel better, I feel guilty wondering why I’m like this

Unfortunately I’m not gonna do anything lethal to myself because I don’t trust myself to do anything right. So at this point all I can do is live my shitty life till I die, waiting for a physician assisted suicide to become a thing

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You have let no one down, it sounds like maybe you have been let down though possibly on numerous occasions and for that I am so sorry.
Its not fair that you have been through and still are coping with so much and clearly your mental health has taken a severe battering and I don’t have an answer to your question as to when you are allowed to give up, I can only tell you that I have been in a place where I have wanted to die, i have been in a very dark hole that I saw no way out of and im thankful to say I got out, so there is a way and for me it came with support from others, a good doctor and yes medicaton, it wasnt me, I had given up. You however have kept trying and I am so thankful for that because although you are exhausted, you keep fighting and my friend that is a wonderous thing,
The most important reason I do not want you to give up is because you deserve better, you deserve to see some happiness and I truly belive you will find some, eventually all storms have to clear even huge stinking big ones and some sunshine will come, I promise you and you deserve some sunshine. Much Love Lisa. xx

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I didn’t wanna go today but when I woke up, I saw a message of my friend reminding me about a helicopter Easter egg drop that we were planning to go to. She told me that they were going to leave in an hour. I really didn’t want to get out of bed but I had a feeling I was going to regret not going so I got up and did the thing. It got a bit chaotic because this was the first time this location was doing something of this magnitude but it was fun ( I don’t know why I have such a hard time admitting that). But after, when we wanted to go eat, I felt like a pain because I’m vegan and I don’t really go out to buffets a lot and they wanted to go to a buffet. They were wondering if there was something there for me to eat and I felt like an inconvenience again.

I told my friend that if it’s difficult to find a place to eat because of me then to just drop me off home and then they can just go and eat. But she told me “shut up, you’re eating with us”. In the end we decided to do Chipotle and Boston market. So whoever wanted Chipotle got their order and then we went to Boston market for whoever wanted Boston market and we all ate there

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could it be because your brain is resisting any change to its “usual” mode of functioning?
It sounds like you had a lovely day out, and that sort of change is something our brains try to “protect” us from when we’re in a sad state usually.
This is why we need to have more of these moments that literally rewire our brains. It’ll probably be more moments of fun mixed with the guilt/fear/worry about being happy.

Also, your friends sound awesome! And that they wanted to eat with you, and it was absolutely no effort to get food in a couple places!

I hope this little moment stays with you for a long while, something new, something different, a lovely new memory!

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We’re planning on doing more things this summer. This is the most we’ve hung out since graduating high school. I’m afraid it might not last once she and her boyfriend resolve things.

I’m trying to stay present in the moment but it’s difficult to not think of the future because it’s a habit I’ve had my whole life. Before I get married, I think about divorce and if things don’t work out, how easily can I get out. Before I sign up for a website, I need to figure out how to deactivate my account in case I ever need to in the future. Before I even get a job, I think of retirement and planning for it. I’m always consistently looking ahead but never stay in the present moment

Hi, sorry for the late reply. I’m slowly making my way through all the comments I do have a therapist. I see him once a week. He’s aware of my suicidal thoughts but he knows I’m not gonna do anything because I’m afraid of failing. I’m trying to work through my issues with him but I feel that nothing seems to be working. I feel that I take one step forward and 5 steps back and it’s a very discouraging feeling. I’ve been with him for 2 and a half years and I think the majority of the anger that comes from my treatment is the fact that I think I should feel “ok” by now. Idk maybe I’m just trying to rush the process but it’s hard to keep going when I have set backs and random depressive episodes going back to feeling suicidal. I had also tried medication 3 years ago which was a frustrating process because most meds felt ineffective and I was highly sensitive to some. I just started the process back up again with new insurance that doesn’t have an insanely high copay. I feel like a disappointment most days. I’ve been going through a break up. I’m still trying to get over it after 3 and a half months and it was a huge setback in my journey. I still cry most days because I feel guilty of the decision I made to break up with him due to us seeing 2 different futures for ourselves. I know I made the right decision and everybody has been telling me that it’s a good thing, we figured This out early in the relationship, But in the back of my mind the guilt is still there. I’m trying to work through it but it’s definitely not an overnight process

No the only people I talk to is my therapist and my friend because my family doesn’t really understand what I go through and how difficult things can be for me. Especially my dad. He just does not understand.