The reason why I don’t want to tell my friend about this is because it’s a heavy topic and sometimes I don’t even know what I want. If she finds out I’m back to being suicidal again then she might constantly ask me to go out or do things and sometimes I just want to be left alone and not have to feel the guilt of constantly saying no to her. I don’t know but it’s something I want to keep to myself for now, it’s not an easy conversation to have. She knows I struggle mentally but she doesn’t know the extent to how bad it is.
Yeah I try to force myself to go out but it can feel draining at times especially from doing something every weekend. I don’t know. I just want to isolate myself for at least a week. I just feel overwhelmed at times especially when I have a random memory of something that happened to me and it hits hard to a point where I feel exhausted after having an episode And I made the original post during an episode I had. When I feel like this, I think that I took 5 steps back in my journey which in the end, makes me feel even worse. I feel like I’m too hard on myself but I can’t help it and I get frustrated with myself
I canceled on her because something happened the night I posted my original message. The incident brought back memories of the accident that I had about 4 years ago that left me permanently injured. I have three herniated discs, two on my back and one on my neck…
And when that happened I just spiraled and continued thinking of every negative thing that’s ever happened to me. I broke up with my boyfriend 3 and a half months ago And I suffer from a lot of guilt. It just caused me to spiral bad.
That’s why I made an excuse and just canceled on her because I was not okay to go out that night and I did want to tell my friend everything that happened because I was already so exhausted from the emotions I was feeling that I had no energy to say anything to anybody.
We’ve never done a night in before where we just watched movies and hung out, but maybe it’s something I can suggest to her. It’s not a bad idea
You don’t have to feel guilty saying no to hanging out, I can understand how it feels to be over stimulated with emotions and need some alone time, but it’s so good she wants to make sure you’re not alone and you’re okay. Maybe if you feel up to it you can just tell her that you’re safe, but just have been feeling down and need some time and that it’s okay if she sends a message to check up on you.
That way she knows your safe and understands that you’re struggling.
Movie nights in are always a win! I remember there was a stage where I couldn’t move from my floor in the lounge for a few days. My friend bought over a swag and their dog and just sat with me watching movies and I felt safe to finally get some sleep. They’d bring me a bit of water every now and again and her dog cuddled up next to me. There’s something healing and therapeutic about just being in the company of someone who cares without the pressure of having to talk.
I’m sure dealing with chronic pain on top of a recent breakup has been adding a lot to the stress and the depression you’ve been struggling with?
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Yeah, when I spiral, my mind immediately goes to everything that’s gone wrong in my life. The two main things that pop up was the recent breakup and the accident and remembering the two makes me feel even worse
I try to not but my brain is off it’s leash anytime I spiral and it gets difficult to control anything and a part of that is because I also don’t want to
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It’s hard when you’re not ready to move on that’s for sure. It sucks and sometimes we have to push ourselves through that extremely uncomfortable time of healing. You don’t deserve to keep holding onto trauma. I know it’s a bit harder when it comes to the pain as it can be a constant reminder. You do deserve to feel this burden lifted though
in terms of the breakup, would it help if you tried to see what lessons there are to be learned from it?
If the thoughts come anyway, could you try to assess it and see what could have been done differently? I know you’ve said it was a choice that had to be made and that doesn’t make it hurt any less. What would it take to forgive yourself, knowing that it was inevitable, and that the decision was always going to be the same.
Maybe I can try it out. I hate that I get such a bad reaction most days when I think about it. I have to make myself get over it because it I really HAVE to live, I don’t wanna live like this
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i believe in you, you WILL get there. We are here for you.
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