When I found out in my graduating year, last year, that my GPA was too low for grad school, I started feeling worthless. At that point, I felt I only had my music left. I had, and still have, a hard time finding people to jam the music I love with (melodic hardcore, pop punk).
My inability to find people to relate with made me feel like I was useless in all areas of my life. Unable to find or get an interview for work, find people I’m able to connect with, or even lead a band.
I have found work, but I still feel unhappy for some reason. I had been working too much, I started feeling burnout symptoms. At a friend’s show, I was tired and unaware of a laser pointing down towards the crowd and I looked into it. My vision is messed up now.
All this culminated into suicidal thoughts that I still get from time to time. A friend was able to pull me out of it, but I still get them. I feel like I can’t perform my job properly, connect with people, because I’m not good enough as a person. People see that I’m different, and normally dislike me because of it. At least it feels that way.
Having seeing a black dot in both eyes from the laser, I feel like I can’t even see the world around me as others do. Visual art and anime were my escapes before, but now I can’t enjoy those without being reminded that I was stupid enough to look into a laser.
I don’t know how to get better.