New to the site and just hoping that I can find some advice/help. I’ve struggled with depression on and off since I was a teenager, but the past 5 years or so have by far been the most difficult. I got married when I was 22 years old to a woman that I loved dearly. The first few months were some of the happiest months of my life that I can remember. My happiness soon started to slip away as time went on primarily due to two reasons. The first being that my wife wasn’t willing to consummate the marriage. She had a fear of having sex because she’d heard that it was supposed to hurt, and it really got in her head. She wasn’t abused sexually, at least she told me she wasn’t. Went to a therapist together and she was told that her fear was irrational. She didn’t like what she heard and didn’t want to go back. The second cause was that she was spending time with her friends and family and I would rarely see her. I’d sit at home thinking and feeling that I wasn’t good enough for her, and started to dislike myself more and more as I increasingly grew lonely and depressed. This went on for 2 1/2 years until I finally asked for a divorce. The marriage was annulled and after a few months I gave into my feelings of loneliness and contacted her to see if she wanted to work things out. She agreed to meet and she promised that the 2 aforementioned issues would be fixed. We got remarried and nothing changed. We were together for about another year until she told me that she didn’t know how she felt about me and wanted a divorce. A week later I went back to the apartment with a friend to get some things and caught her with another man. This was the most traumatic experience I’ve had and can’t properly express how much pain I felt in that moment. It’s been almost a year now since then but I’m still struggling. My self-esteem and confidence are just nonexistent, and aside from the loneliness and depression I’m experiencing, mentally I feel like I’m in a brain fog and almost feel like I’m dumb because of the difficulty I have trying to problem solve or talk to people. Emotionally I usually just feel numb or anxious. I just don’t feel like myself and don’t see how I can be successful or have a happy life in my current condition. I don’t know how I’ll be able to finish college or have a career or find myself in another relationship. Every day and every small task is a struggle and I’m feeling more and more like there’s no hope and no way to get better. Thanks to everyone for just listening, and if anyone has any advice or recommendations I’d appreciate it.
Hi Justin,
First of all, thank you for reaching out here on the support wall and trusting us with something so private and personal.
I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to have to experience that. I know how important intimacy is in a marriage. It seems like your wife had a lot of things going on mentally and emotionally and was having a hard time maybe knowing how to be honest with it and face it. Which is hard for both of you.
The fact you were willing to remarry her and continue the relationship is very courages of you. That had to be a huge step to take and a lot of trust. I’m sorry that things turned out so awful and hurtful in the end. Especially given everything you guys went through.
I hope now that you guys are separated or are separating. So that you can move on. It seems like she doesn’t care very much for this relationship and unwilling to try to make a change.
The best advice I can give you is to just try to cut her out of your life and try to focus on friends and family who are supporters of you. People who encourage you and lift you up. Build friendships and relationships with people you trust and can communicate with.
When I went into my most recent relationship, since I had been previously hurt so badly in my previous lmarriage, I had high expectations of honesty, trust and communication.
It’s important to me that I can communicate with the person I am in a relationship with. Through all things and that we can work together in our problems without attacking each other. I don’t like yelling and fighting. so for me, I make it clear in my relationships both friendships and romantic that I won’t tolerate petty drama, lying and lack of communication. I want healthy relationships so I try to build relationships with people who want that same thing. You know?
And it can be so hard to find the right people but you deserve love, compassion and support. You deserve to be loved and intimate with your spouse. Hopefully in your next relationship you can talk about what you guys need and feel when it comes to intimate matters so that when you get married one day, you will be in the same page. (:
Communication is huge. Remember to respect each other. Be compassionate. Listen. Even when it’s hard. Listen. Respond calmly and talk civil. It makes it easier to work through disagreements and helps each other feel respected and heard even when not agreeing .
Anyway. I’m rambling. I truly hope that you can find peace and healing in all of this and that moving on your future relationships will be even stronger.
So much love to you
- Kitty
Thank you so much for your response! I haven’t seen her now for almost a year. Sometimes I still have thoughts about messaging her but I’ve been able to resist them for now. I know that things would be the same so I’ve kept telling myself that to fight back against those urges. It’s been hard trying to date again primarily because I only dated 2 different girls before getting married and I feel like I have no idea how to date. I’ve been on quite a few now and I just struggle with trying to gauge how long it should last and what the heck I should even be doing on them.After what I went through with my ex my confidence has been shot too which doesn’t help.
It’s understandable that it would be difficult to re enter the world of daring after being hurt. But what matters is that you put yourself out there and try! And hopefully you will find someone who will show you love and support. And rebuild some of that confidence back.
Healing takes time. But one step at a time we can overcome our hurts and challenges. I’m working on that myself.
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Yeah you’re right I gotta at least try. Finding a loving healthy relationship will definitely help. Your words have definitely helped and I wish you the best in your challenges as well! It’s just nice being able to talk to someone about this stuff.
It gets better. I promise you, it gets better.
My ex and I were together for 5 years. The last year of our relationship, I thought that it was going to be the year. We bought a new car together, had our own place, our careers were advancing. And then I started having pain in my arm. It diminished our sex life, I couldn’t support myself with my arm. I figured it was tendinitis, arthritis, anything but a gooey tumor eating my bone and soft tissue. After my surgery, I was pretty much stuck in bed, as any moving or twisting pushed through the limits of my pain medications. And the physical therapy to follow was my main focus for months. And one day, I got a Facebook message from a girl asking if I was with him. She’s slept with him twice, sent me the photos he sent her, the text messages, the fake profiles… and after investigating, he has been seeking sexual companions for about 9 months before I ended the relationship. It crushed me. I lost who I was. I couldn’t figure out what I liked. I watched my dreams of engagement, a child, and my ideals. Who was I? What did I like to do? It took me months. I had friends from all over the country come stay with me to keep me from going back. And he would beg me. I would get messages non stop. I blocked his number and half a dozen Facebook accounts.
It’s been almost 2 years, and I sometimes wonder what could have been. What if I unblocked him? What if we fixed things. But I’m this broken now because of what he did. Some things can’t be fixed. Some things aren’t worth fixing. But I’m proud of you for moving forward. You weren’t the one who walked away, she did.
The best revenge is happiness. I wish so many good things for you, and I’m sending you a ton of good juju.