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Don't know what I want or who I am anymore


#1

If I’m being honest, I don’t know how to explain this. I guess I’ll start off by saying that I feel myself beginning to get into the same cycle again. I wake up, have awful thoughts and memories all day long, try to forget them but fail, then end my day by sitting in my room thinking of why I am the way that I am and wondering why I can’t just move on. It seems like when I get over one mountain, theres another mountain to climb, then another, then another, and another, each one is more daunting than the last one and I’m getting tired of climbing. It’s doesn’t seem like it’s worth trying anymore. I realize that these battles with my thoughts may never end and I’ll always have to fight, but I don’t think fighting is for me. It doesn’t seem to work for me, because every time I try my best to fight, I’m knocked down and feel worse than I did before.
It also seems like I don’t want to fight, because I ENJOY the feeling of sadness and am comforted by it I guess? I don’t really know. All I know is that when I’m not sad, it feels uncomfortable. Almost like being happy is so outside of my comfort zone, that I miss being sad and want to go back into my bubble of feeling numb and just walking through every moment. I don’t know why and I hate it.
I feel so out of place. I really do want to be there for everyone. I feel like such an awful person. I push people away that I know care about me and love me. How could I do this to them? I don’t deserve support or love. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.


#2

@nicole_kaley

Don’t be sorry. You’re just sharing what you are feeling. What I can say is that you are in a season of growing. There is not much going on to your life, but it’s okay. Take the time to get better. One day at a time. You will overcome your trials.


#3

Hey Friend,

Know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. I totally get it. It is easy to get comfortable in sadness. That being said, I know that you were not meant to live a life of sadness. The fact that you are able to recognize that you are starting to get into the same cycle again shows that you are aware of how you are feeling and I feel that shows that you are capable of continuing to fight and gain helpful ways to cope. You are so strong to have fought and climbed as many mountains as you have. I know that wasn’t easy. Change is scary, so moving out of sadness and learning to live life apart from the cycle of sadness is going to be different and even uncomfortable, but so very worth it! We are here to support you on that journey. We love and believe in you!

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#4

@nicole_kaley ,
Its okay to fail but when you fail you just got to get up and try again and again. With the thoughts i know how it feels, but also the awful memories i know what it feels like to have them . you are not an awful person , your you , you are human . Just know we will always be your light to guide you through the struggles you have and face.


#5

oh man…I can relate to the part where you say “because I ENJOY the feeling of sadness and am comforted by it”. There have been days where unhappiness and sadness was my “comfort zone” and I didnt want to leave it.


#6

hey nicole_kaley, thanks for sharing <3


#7

You are so special and loved. I am bad at this whole words thing, but so many people care for you. Make sure you rest and try to relax. We are here for you


#8

You are such a light to us friend. We appreciate the crap out of you and you can beat this. I believe in you.


#9

Nicole,
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s not easy talking about these things and sharing a part of ourselves that we usually keep so private so thank you for being brave and honest. It’s so easy to become comforted by the only thing we know. If sadness is all you know then it makes sense that anything other than sadness would make you feel uncomfortable. However, just because we’re accustomed to something doesn’t make it right or what we should be experiencing. Happiness is possible and it can be found. You mention how you’re not sure if happiness is what you want and how you enjoy feeling sad and am comforted by it. Nothing will change if you aren’t open to that change happening. You need to sit down and really ask yourself what you want; happiness or sadness. The first step is being open to the idea and open to the idea of change.

I hope this has helped and I hope the choice you make is happiness because it is possible and it’s possible to be comforted by that happiness. You deserve happiness.

Stay strong, my friend!