Don't like my body (trigger warning)

Hi, I gave myself a break for a month, enough for me to recover from being creeped out by my mom’s husband. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so tired of being afraid that I’ve just given up on it. I’m still suspicious though, I’ve just lost my energy to fight. I hate my body, the main reason I have all this fear is because of my body. And my mom’s past with sick men. I don’t like my mom’s husband, as I’ve stated before. I feel like I’m always being watched. And the slightest thing that happens freaks me out. Today I was eating and I felt him staring at me, my bowl was empty, and that shit bags eyes were looking down. Fucking freaky piece of fuck. Of course it could have just been curious as to what I was eating, but it was as if it was staring at my chest. It made me so uncomfortable. But I’m getting to a point where I’m so tired of being afraid that I just voluntarily let my guard down bc I just can’t afford to care anymore. The best thing I can do is to lock my doors to keep the monster at bay. But at the same time it’s probably the goal. To make me so tired I just give up. That I just lose all my anger bc I’m so tired of being afraid. I’m so tired of seeing him do creepy shit that it doesn’t phase me anymore. Idk what’s happening to me, I want him to die, but I’m losing my energy to make that happen. To prove I’m right.
I just wish I didn’t have this stupid body, I wish I didn’t have any body, I wish I was something else. I’m not a fucking object, and at this point I feel like I’m order to prove that I have to fight back, whether I’m wrong or not. Just to prove I have a backbone, and I don’t let shit slide.


Hello, thank you for sharing.
May i ask you what do you mean by taking a break?, does it mean that you are not gonna be defensive with your mom’s husband?

You said many tangled things in this post, at least in my perspective. I’m trying to sort out exactly what’s bugging you. Obviously you hate that guy, but how is that related with your body?
I see too you are feeling incredible angry, i am glad you share with us, that’s helpfull. Tbh i am afraid of how much you mean you want to see that guy dead and how much you don’t want to have A body, because you might find a solution for that and that ain’t exactly a solution.

I invite you to write down all the things you want to do and say to him, don’t hold, don’t think, just let your hand write as much as it wants, don’t pay attention to grammar, be fluent. You might wanna do that a couple of times, drain a bit your anger, and face this guy, i don’t mean argue with him, i mean that you make a stand for yourself, for what you are feeling and for what you want, which means you have to know those things in advance and doing the writing excercise will help you with that.

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I meant taking a break from thinking in general. As for my body and my hatred for my mom’s husband, I feel like if I didn’t have the body I have now, I wouldn’t have to fear being around other men. I’ve always wanted to see him dead, his existence pisses me off and creeps me out. I’m essentially just waiting for him to act up even once so I can attack in defense, I don’t trust him for a second.
Writing down everything I’d want to do and say to him is kind of empty now, bc I’ve become so tired of being afraid that I am no longer afraid. Even if something terrible happens, I don’t really care. I feel empty in that aspect, I’m tired of wanting my point to be proven, so I have given up on proving it. Whether I’m right or not, I don’t care as much as I did before, because I’m so tired of caring. I tend to find peace in not caring.

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My idea would be to secretly set my phone or laptop somewhere and try to record his weird ass. That way its proof not only for your Mother but yourself. The part of your story that stands out the most to me is the fact that you dont feel like you can come to your Mother with this information. She is failing you as a parent.


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