I (19 F) feel like Im up to my throat in worries, yet I feel like my life hasn’t even begun yet. For some background, I didn’t have a great upbringing. My dad was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive, my mum wasnt very present because the same was happening to her and I was being bullied in school for being different. I’ve always felt like the odd one out, even when I moved into my senior years of highschool and began to make friends that included me. I’ve always had a tendency to push people away even when I need them the most. Ill never admit that I need help.
My attachment and emotional intelligence issues have followed me around my whole life and for a while I thought I was finally getting better. Things took a turn this year, and I have felt myself spiralling out of control. I finally moved out from living with my mum and for a while things were amazing. I was working full-time in a well paying job, studying my dream course in university. Eventually the sweet life started falling off when I began feeling exhausted all the time, getting sick far too often, i started looking physically unwell. It just kept getting worse and worse from there. My nan got diagnosed with a brain tumour, i was being mistreated at work for taking too many sick days from mental health. I ended up losing that job. My mental health was just on a rapid decline from that point. I had never felt more alone in my life. My parents never showed any concern for me, only contacting me if they needed something. Even the cries for help didn’t prompt her to ask if I was okay. All I want is a hug or a rub on the back from my mum and for her to tell me everything’s going to be okay. Moving forward from there, after many doctors visits for my declining physical health I got diagnosed with a tumour in my uterus. That day, I walked out of my partners house still crying from the news and saw my car on the side of the road- someone had hit it and run (it got written off).
I have too many things going on in my life and not enough room to breathe. Im struggling being in a relationship with my very loving boyfriend because of this. And I know its affecting him too. I feel like such a burden and a waste of space. Im not sure how to get out of this, all I want is to feel loved and cared for but I feel like i just cant connect on that level