I am back in the US. And does it feel good. I feel like I have a sense of peace, just by being here and knowing I’m staying here. Right now I’m in my hometown staying with some people from a church I’ve attended when in town. It really is a great set up and they’re great people. I’m so grateful.
I really want this summer to be a period of rest and rejuvenation after all the stress and anxiety of living overseas. I’m really just burnt out. The problem is, because I want to have a job lined up for the fall (preferably in teaching), I feel SO stressed out. It’s not even anxiety, or worrying about finding a job. At least not on a conscious level. It’s more so just the feeling, the burden, of knowing I need to find a job. It is near impossible to actually relax. Even when I go do something that would otherwise be relaxing, like going for a walk or reading a book, it’s like I’m hollow and numb inside. I get no enjoyment out of it; I just feel this very heavy weight of the burden I’m carrying. I intentionally went to a coffee shop to write the other day, as this is something that usually is a way for me to unwind and relax. However, all I felt was this heavy burden, tension. This really isn’t anything new. But the stress of knowing I need to find a job is compounding this issue.
I wish I’d get a call back for the job I interviewed for last week. That way I would be able to know I have a job secured for the fall, and actually enjoy this summer. Be able to actually rest. Instead of feeling this heavy weight that is making it impossible to heal from burnout. But I have no control over that. Heck, I even stress about planning a little vacation or trip out of town to visit friends because “what if a job calls for an interview while I’m gone?”. Then I’ll need to rush back here or to whichever city the interview is in.
I know everything is in God’s hands. It’s just the fact that my body can’t get in tune with that knowledge and refuses to relax.
Girl, I feel you on this in a weird, weird way. I feel that way sometimes when I just want to lay and rest weekly. I feel like a guilt about all the things I am too weak to do and then it gets conflated by the fact that I feel ashamed that I am too weak like it’s all in my head. So even though, like tonight, I spent the whole night resting from work I feel like I just was having restless sleep. So I did nothing and now I feel like a failure somehow. I hope you do hear back from them soon and I hope you get some sense of real rest. Maybe set a day a week, like Sunday, to be mindful of this feeling and give it to God, just a day of doing nothing else but submitting this idea and fear back to God cause while it lingers on your heart you might not be able to enjoy things and continue to feel absent in trying to rest or run from the feeling. There’s not much you can do when waiting except release that which is out of your hands.
Hey! Thanks for posting and I’m so glad that where you are right now is somewhere you feel safe and happy. I can see where this period could be hard for you and waiting to hear about a job is so tough. All you really can do is try and focus on that feelin of safety and happiness you have being around the people you’re with. Talk to them, use them to help ease your anxieties and concerns. It sucks when you lose the enjoyment of doing something you loved but you WILL get that back. I find that when I do those things with another person for a while, the joy of doing it comes back. Maybe you could try and speak to someone you love and get them to start doing some things with you?
If you don’t hear back please know that it’s not the end of the world. It’s really not and you will find a job. Sometimes, where we want to go is not always where we need to go… this doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to find something. It may just take some time. We believe in you and we love you. I hope that you do hear back from this job so you can relax more this summer but please try and remember it’s not he end of the world and it doesn’t make you anymore important. God wouldn’t of put this on your plate if he didn’t think you could handle it. Stay strong. You’ll get through this.
Thank you Kayla and Rainluver. Your words mean so much.
Today I’ve actually been able to relax a little bit. Miracle! This morning started out rough, to the point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed. But I managed to pray my way through it. Then, I managed to go through the day (thus far) without doing or thinking of any “job stuff” and have just allowed myself to “be”. I’ve managed to go to the Farmer’s Market, walk/sit at a park by the river, go to a thrift store, and read a book. Somewhere in the beginning of all that I started to feel a sense of calm. Mind you, I still am carrying that burden. But I’m more relaxed. (Minus the walk in the park, as the anxiety I tend to get with my fears in places like that crept up really bad. But towards the end I remembered to do deep breathing and calmed myself down. ).
I’m so happy you’ve had a good day and I’m so proud of you for being able to get up even when your depression had told you otherwise… These are the little things that we have to focus on in order to keep pushing and. Keep looking back on this day and remember how well you had dealt with everything you’re going through. You will get there and there will be more days like this!
I totally feel you, regarding the season in life of moving back to The States after living abroad for a while (I studied at Hillsong College in Australia 2014-2015). It was a rough transition for me upon returning to The States, and I can assure you that your severe stress is a season and that it WILL pass; I just need you to hold on for me. You’re strong and you WILL get through this. Try out the app “Headspace” - I use it sometimes when I’m being crushed by stressful situations. Deep breathing is your best friend during periods of anxiety.