so i have a drs appointment in like 10 hours time, an its about 3:30am right now and my brain is just full on panicking right now. i havent been to see her since like 2020, pre lockdown, and now im freaking out about how its going to go. i have a list of things to takl about, yes like a actual physical list i have written dwn, cause i was worried id forget something. but normally i tend to pretend im doing better than i am when it comes t my mental heath because, i dunno, shame or something? so im worried that im gong to fall back on those habits of not really being entirely honest with my doctor an dthen itll just be a wsate of time even going. but then at the same time, im also worried that img oing to actually say the truth, that my meds arent working and they havent worked in a lng time, but she’'ll think im faking or something, or shell get annoyed i didnt come in sooner, orshe’lol say that my mental health is so bad that i shouldnt be doing my job at the momnt, cause i wokr with kids, and parents probly wouldnt want someone like me looking after their kids if they knew how messed up my brain reaally was. also need to talk to her about the possibliy of getting into some kind of therapy or councelling or something, but i dant really afford much, so also worrying about that and if the only thigs she can recommend are ones that cost too much. but then she might just think im making xcuses and wasting her time. i know, reading back over this, it all sounds ridiculous and pathetic, and why should i even be panicking about such silly things. i know that all the previous times ive been to see my dctor shes always been super nice and caring, ad i really shouldnt be freaking out aboout it becaus its unfounded and ridiculous. butt theres so much runnign through my head right now of all the diffrent ways it could go wrong, and i cant turn it off. its just all these thiughts going round and round and tripping over eachother and getting jumbled up til they dont ven make sense anymore. i jst wantto sleep, ims o tired, and if i dont get to sleep soon i might end up sleeping in and missing th ebus and the missing my apoointment, and theya re so busy at th emoment i probly wouldnt be able to get another apointment for ages. im so tired, i just want my brain to stop for a while, i just want it all to stop. im tirde of it being such a broken mess all thetime. i just want it to stop.
Hey Friend, Calm down please firstly you really are gonna be ok so start by taking a deep breath.
That is the most important thing I want you to rembember for the next 10 hours, along with the fact that your doctors job is to help you and look out for your wellbeing not making your life worse by treating you badly. I am pleased you have done a list, often we get nervous and go in and completely forget half of what we were going to say so thats great. Your doctor wants you to be well and happy, They may say why didnt you come in sooner but not out of anger but out of concern.
Sweet just go in try to stay calm, speak honestly and tell them how you feel. You will be ok. I am proud of you for going and I will be right there with you in spirit.
By the way none of what you say sounds pathetic it just sounds like someone who is anxious and most of us have been there so please dont worry about that, I call it nervous waffle. I hope you get some sleep my friend and I will wish you luck even though I dont think you need it. please let me know how you get on if of course you want to. Much Love Lisa xx
I must agree with @Lisalovesfeathers here. You know your doctor has always been super nice to you. Its not your fault you have problems. These things just happen. She is there to help you and she will do what she can to do so. Even if you have gotten worse that is ok. Its just another thing to deal with and she will listen to whatever needs to be said in order to help you. I am going to post a link to a video with some breathing excercises to help you calm down ok. I hope it helps at least a bit . Relieve Stress & Anxiety with Simple Breathing Techniques - YouTube
How did your appointment go?
We’re proud of you for trying. This is a huge, important and beautiful to take, as you deserve to get all the help you need - both regarding your physical and mental health. Your struggles are not ridiculous. Breaking done the shame we feel is so hard, but deep inside you know what is right and fair.
I believe in you, no matter what.
was planning on writing here as soon as i got home from my appointment, but i needed some time to get my brain and thoughts back in order from it (theres a word for it that i cant think of right now, sorry). overall it went well, mostly. i was a mess, but the doc was really good about it. went into the room and sat down and she says “its been a while since ive seen you, hows everything going?” (not in a judgey voice, more like a conversational voice, if that makes sense). and i opened my mouth to reply and pretty much just burst into tears. she was patient and got me some tissues, and she saw that i had paper with a list on it and she asked if that was about what i wanted to talk about today, and i nodded, and so she asked to see it, and she read it and talked through some of the stuff while i tried to calm down. then she got me to fill out a couple survey thingies, one for anxiety and one for depression, that was like, ranking different things from 1 to 5, things like, how often i feel hopeless and things like that. i scored very highly on both of them, which i wasnt very surprised by at all. so she talked about tring a new medication, but i need to slowly finish taking the one im on first, cause you cant just change straight away. so once thats done ill start the new one. got some blood tests done just to ceck on some other things, i often have trouble with my iron levels and stuff, so sh just wanted to check that things are all good there. sould get the results in a few days. shes also arranged an appointment for me with i think it was called a health and wellness coach? i cant remember if thats the right name for it or not. but anyways, its a free 1/2 hour appointment, and apparently this person is very well connected with all of the various options out there for getting help with therapy etc. without it costing heaps, if that makes sense. so we talk about the sort of thing that i want/need, and she will hopefully find the right thing to help. so that appointment is on the 2nd of february, in the afternoon. and ive got a followup appointment for a few weeks from now to see my doc again and see how the new medication is going, but she also said to come in sooner if theres any bad side affects from it, or anything like that.
so yeah, i know, i was all panicked and worried for no reason. anyone woul think i was a kid worried about getting their shots instead of a 31 year old adult. i knew it would be ok, even in the moment that i was panicking i knew there wasnt a good reason for it, bit i couldnt switch it off. it was like a ball bouncing around in my head, excpt with each bounce it got faster and faster, and then more balls dropped in, and it just got so crazy and crowded with half-thoughts and panicked nonsense, i just couldnt think staright anymore. i hope this new stuff helps, i dont know how much longer i can keep going like this. theres too much all going on in there, one of these days its gonna errupt. im just worried that, maybe there isnt going to be something that helps. cause ive been like this for so long, even as a kid, though it wasnt quite as bad back then and i could hide it better, what if its not some chemical inbalance that can be fixed with meds or therapy, what if its just the way my brain is. what if its just me, and ive just got to live with it? i dont think i can.
to add to your what ifs list at the end… What is works? what if it helps me feel better? What if it brings some clarity?
Not all what ifs have to be disasters
I’m so stinking proud of you for going to it, for being prepared with the physical list, and so happy that you got to be heard and seen by your doctor.
I hope that in the future, if these anxities come back, you will remember this and be able to remind yourself of the following:
- i went to the appointment
- i was prepared
- i clearly stated what i needed help with
- i got the required tests done to get some more answers
- i have a follow up plan.
My hope for you is that these solid steps you took will give you a concrete base to tackle some of the doubts that can creep up. You demonstrated that you can go out and get stuff done, that you took great big steps for better mental health.
There is so much to be proud of, to celebrate and i really hope that you can identify those positives and get yourself to see how amazing this step was!
Thank you for the update. I know it was a lot to process when you can back home, and I’m glad you shared this post!
Looking forward to hearing about more of your progress, if you’re willing to share of course!
Well done friend !
Just checking in with you, to see how you’re doing!
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