I am just having drug withdrawals… It’s going to take time for me to recover… but it will probably happen… again another drug relapse if I get so angry. I just hope not but each and everyday I try to stay clean. It’s been so fucking hard. I am going through so much… the death of two friends family hardships. And each time I use… well I am not me… I am so angry and I… well I am always so… well I am always taking it out on my mom… so right now it’s withdrawals. I just want to go back to the pills and pop pill after pill after pill… so it’s just so hard. I hate being that drug addict who’s addicted to prescription pills or any other type of pills. If I get angry I look for any type of pills and then use. My sponsor is trying to prevent that from happening… so I’m doing my best to hang in there I’m just going through so much right now. My mom doesn’t know I’m even relapsing multiple times. If she found out… well off to rehab and that would be the end of my Film School. I am just trying so fucking hard. I just hate being addicted to drugs. I used to be that good kid and now I’m not I get so angry and then I turn to the drugs any type over the counter or prescription that are mine or others… so it’s so fucking hard. I am just going through so many withdrawals now It’s just so hard right now. I’ve relapsed now 9 times… and if I keep on using… then eventually my liver will shut down. So I’m doing my best to hang in there When I feel so angry and upset and I do use and have a relapse I try my best to stay calm… and I call up my sponsor I’m so drugged from how many I took… she notices it in me right away she asks me what’s going on and she asks me if I used I am in denial and tell her no at times because I need to keep her as my sponsor… I just can’t lose her as my sponsor… so I am doing my best to hang in there. I don’t like having relapses wherever I use. It’s so frustrating. I am trying my best. Each time I relapse and use… well it makes me feel so much better and so much… alive. I am trying. But each time I use… well it’s hard. I’m just not myself. I get all angry and I’m just… yeah I get so… agitated… but I feel so much better after I use. It’s just so hard staying away
Hey. You got this, friend. You’re stronger than those urges.
Is there anyone who could be with you, physically, just to support you a little more these days?
They are The pills are locked up… My mom was just in my room and she found more pills and she got angry… I promised her I wouldn’t take any… She at first was going to commit me… but she didn’t… I hate being that addict!!!
Do you still have any pills with you right now?
Not that I know of. She looked all over my room once she found those. But whenever I get angry… that’s when I lose it… I just want to go and use. I call up my sponsor and tell her.
Ok, good. Also good decision to call your sponsor. If you need anything, keep reaching out here as well.
Alright… I will I’ve just been really struggling lately
That’s understandable, friend. Withdrawals are terrible. But you’ll get through it, without relapsing.
A VERY good thing is that you’re aware that feeling angry is something that triggers those urges. It means that, you know there’s an area you’ll need to work on in the future: managing your anger/frustration. Maybe by asking for some help about this specific subject with your support groups, for example. There might be members who share or shared the same struggle, but found ways to ease their emotions when it gets too overwhelming, without hurting themselves.
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