Dying to live when i am only living to die

  • I have Insomnia

  • I have huge problems dealing with people who haven’t suffered

  • I have to constantly deal with sick people, this is starting to piss me off to an extend.

  • I constantly have to borrow my family money that i don’t get back, when i am in fact trying to start off my own bussiness.

  • I have a girlfriend who just got cancer free, but are still in chemotherapy, she can’t walk for another 3 months and its been a year with her disabled and me doing a bad job trying to do her role in the house. before she got sick i was helping my grandma out… so it has been years with sick people

  • I had so many dead end jobs i had to quit cause i can’t lie, i can’t sell you something that is basically useless.

  • Nobody knows me except a couple of online friends… people think they know, but they are only guessin.

  • I got my dream job that i was aiming for since i was a kid at a local gaming shop, after 2 years of working i was fired cause of an co worker that didn’t like me, she accused me of stealing and a LOT more, i was blamed for everything she had messed up, they had no proof of me stealing. and i had saved the store 2 times from shutting down. i tried to get a lawyer but they basically laughed in my face and fired me still.

  • Now i can’t return to my old job to play boardgames with friends, or magic the gathering, yu gi oh and such. I had to stop reading cause i have nowhere to order reading material it.

  • Now if i see anything related to my hobbies i just get mad or depressed, and i see this stuff everywhere, facebook, my house, outside etc i was actually doing good in these games and where going to travel to play in big tournaments

  • Realizing i have so much stuff i can’t use anymore i decided to sell it to try and start my own store.
    This hurts a lot, too see memories go away for money that some idiot probably will borrow from me.not to mention i am having a hard time selling it due to my location

  • I have 0 support when it comes to my goals, i usually have to go trough blood sweat and tears to get it and even then there is usually rain incoming. Starting your own business is not easy and i have to learn everything myself. and i have people judging me making it harder instead of trying to learn with me

  • I lost a lot of people…Just this year two have killed themselves… I miss them really… One was the friend i grew up with… and i was dumb enough to argue with him over a dumb chick and never really got to square up with him… this same chick has the same balls to ask me why i didn’t show up at the funeral (cause i was home screaming and crying and that is the kinda thing u dont do at a funeral)

  • I mention my family twice, no they are not assholes. my mom is a true queen who has raised me and brother all by herself. its just we don’t have jack shit. No job’s, No family to support us, only thing we have is rich lonely ¤#!"# who likes to point fingers. this is why i help them without hesitation.

  • I do not consider my father family, but a waste of air who breathes only for money and his precious self, he only contacts me for money. and has never asked me any question that is related to me in years.

  • My dreams are messing me up. i see my friend alive again and can’t do anything but cry, the dream then shifts and a woman who resembles my first love hugs me telling me it is alright… this hug is really comforting and i always cry like a child. when i wake up i am haunted by the hug and the sight of my friend.
    I have only been hugged once, but see my friend constantly.

  • I also constantly dream that i am happy back at work, having fun with people. Only to wake up being a joke

  • There is also anger in me… in fact so much that i tend to stay away from people. Don’t misunderstand i don’t hit people or things cause it won’t solve anything. its just i hate the truth, i hate the facts.

  • I don’t use medication or drink alcohol, Basically smoke weed daily and that is it. i do it cause i would probably have ended it a long time ago if i didn’t have something to smoke. and that is sadly a fact. it was the weed that kept me alive i am stupid i know. it was never the people, hope, or me. it was me being able to not give a f at the end of the night. sadly i can’t deny the fact that this is holding me back and strengthens my ability to be “alone”

  • I have failed at many things i have aimed to do, from trying to be someone online but then finding out i don’t have it in me to be nice to people.

  • I have had debts since i was 13 years old. it started out with a cousin that scammed somebody using my name and it started a chain of debts. needless to say i didn’t earn the money at a grocey store… I started my freakin life in chain before it could even start. this made the banks despise me and they wont give me anything of an loan, this is also cause of my father

  • You follow rules without question? This is the things that makes me want to burn… I have a couple of people i know who are like this and i can’t be around them cause of it… i have this problem where i look down on everybody i meet, and not in a way that puts me above them, but them in the botton with me.

So to summ it up i am so tired, i can’t eat, i barely wanna smoke. I have found myself so many times lately just starring at the wall listening to music… i sleep just when i feel like it, and are now in a place where i just play games to make me tired to i can go back to sleep…

And i can’t end it either, cause it will make everything worse for my loved ones… I can’t cry believe me i tried. I am trying to start a business by selling everything i have and more and even then i can’t reach it. even wondered if i should try gofundme but who would take a business like that seriously like wtf?

While you have people who snaps their fingers and have resources to realise their goal or dream. never had this… if anything i had people who made the situation worse.

All this has actually make me given up. you know that feeling you have when it feels like your heart drops or just became hollow? i am running around with that constantly. if i don’t have that it is usually my stomach screaming for food i don’t have. and i somehow suspect that will die due to stress by the age of 30 if this keeps on, as the only thing driving me today is anger and despair.

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I’m sorry Scarlet. You’ve had a lot of pain in your life. No wonder it’s not easy to be nice to people. I don’t have any advice for you I’m afraid, in the business industry. But I admire you. You’re a survivor, and you stay true to yourself. It’s really sad life just doesn’t give you what you deserve. Hold Fast

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