Dysphoria sucks. (Cw dysphoria talks of surgery and thoughts of self harm )

I look in the mirror and all’s I can notice are my flaws my stubble on my chin the stubble on my torso the hair line that just gets THINNER AND THINNER the hair on my arms and legs thick and dark makes me feel like a sasquatch my Adams apple poking out making my wanna punch it in my voice deep and masculine I hate it but voice training triggers more dysphoria and I don’t know the fuck I’m doing so I don’t wanna hurt my vocal cord my teeth rotten broke and missing from not giving a shit about my self and from general genetics if you looked at my mouth you’d think I was a addict they are so fuckin bad but the only course now is to get em replaced or pulled and have dentures at 22 my jaw both straight and chiseled but also round and non existent cuz of my weight my feet big and clumsy stuck at a weird resting angle from years of walking on my toes a condition only high heel models have I feel ugly and of a freak of nature the pain in my crotch from a cyst that requires removement of my testis that costs 5k usd to have aches and throbs like I been stabbed they say it’s nothing take ibuprofen bit it dosent help and how can it be nothing when it causes actual pain I don’t know how I’ll ever afford the procedure its too expensive no way I can ever afford it i remember hearing of a fellow trans woman who had her friend who does anime castration gave her a orchidectomy lost his license but made his friend ten times happier some days I wanna chop those two dangling things off with a clever it hurts so bad it like Im constantly reminding I only am ok with the other part of my genitals not the things that let me reproduce I feel like a orc in this skin so rough and hairy I hate the hair so much shaving dosent keep it away it just makes it worse I want it all gone


My teeth were terrible too. I grew up with so many abscesses that I ended up with endocarditis (infected heart valves). I didn’t know what was going on, and couldn’t afford to see a doctor. I just knew that intermittently, my heart behaved very strangely. I spent years with the feeling that I was just one arrhythmia away from sudden death. Therefore, my priorities became more aligned with what I thought would matter if I was no longer around. Eventually I got around to not worrying about it, even though frequent episodes of irregular heartbeats continued. When they happened at night, I’d wake up in the morning with a monster headache. Many years later, my financial situation was better, and I could see the doctor when I needed to. Over time, I had developed a lot of other strange symptoms, but that’s another long story. Finally, it was discovered that I had Lyme’s disease that had not been diagnosed for many years. The heavy dosage of antibiotics I was given to treat that also resolved the heart valve infection.

But I was starting to talk about teeth. Back when I was really poor, although I lived in the city, I found out about a rural dentist office that billed for services based on income. As it turns out, the dentist did more harm than good. 10 years later, I had to have all my lower molars removed, and they couldn’t just be pulled because they were fragmented down to the bone. It costed a couple thousand 1980 dollars. I couldn’t afford a partial to replace the missing teeth either. My upper teeth were also a mess. All but two have had root canals, and all of them are capped. I finally could afford a partial, and paid $1500 for it around 1995. It was the first time I could chew my food like a normal person in 20 years. The partial broke after 10 years or so, and I went to this place that sold partials very cheaply as in $300. It turned out to be far better than the one I paid $1500 for 10 years earlier.

Later I found out that dental schools offer dental services, and the care is actually pretty good, perhaps better than is received in many practices. So, if there is a dental school within traveling distance for you, you might want to find out if they offer services. My daughter went to one, and it worked out really well for her.

My son had a friend who had lost all his teeth by the time he was 20. He ended up spending way less money than I did trying to keep what few teeth I had left.

I don’t know what to say about the medical problems, insurance options or affordable care, but this may be a possible resource:

Some people perform electrolysis, which permanently removes hair. I doubt that it’s really cheap, but maybe you can have a little bit done at a time.

If you are in pain, it makes no sense that a medical provider would tell you take ineffective medication, yet that’s exactly what happens all too often. Hopefully you will find someone who is both compassionate and competent.

Don’t be angry or frustrated with your body. It won’t help. The DNA that formed you is not your body’s fault. It’s best to work thoughtfully with what you have.

Talk about thinning hair, I had three skin cancers removed from the top of my head, and now I am supposed to receive a chemical peel, so it’s entirely possible the top of my head will end up hair free. I guess if I decide to go running, there will be less wind resistance.

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