Dysthymia Will Most Likely Be the Death of Me

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As some of my past posts have said; I have Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) and Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression). They have overtaken my life for several years, making it practically impossible to live with. Trying to get treatment for it? Made it even worse.

My partner and I got into it heavy when I had a double depression episode last April. We went to “on a break terms”. He’s poly, it doesn’t bother me— but during our break he got with another one of our friends, and didn’t tell me. A month before April, he wanted me to get my mental health in order. I got on Prozac, despite SSRIs not working for me (we had a talk about that). I couldn’t get into therapy until a month later. Had my consultation, my Prozac failed, me and my partner got into it— all in the span of April. I was crushed. At least, I thought I was.

April has been a hard month for me for almost seven years now. I lost my grandmother (I was adopted, so she was basically my mother. And the only parental figure I had) to stage four lung cancer, a month before I’d graduate high school. I had MDD for years, and we were talking about getting me into psychiatry— then she got sick. Then she died. I work for the school I graduated in, and I found out about her passing in school. Last year, on the anniversary of her passing, I had a panic attack to the point I was dry heaving. And it set in with me even further with my partner not being around that *I was even more alone than I usually was. *

I don’t get what I did. I still don’t. I was told to work on my mental health, so I did. At least, the best I could. I went to therapy weekly, I was trying psychiatry and medication (after prozac failed, I was put on a mood stabilizer that I thought was failing, only to find out by a gene test it never worked. I try lexapro next. My last attempt at an antidepressant before I’m put on an antipsychotic. I’m broken. I know I am. I can’t do anything right. Can’t keep a relationship. A job. Friends. I can’t chase my dreams I really want to go for. I’m nothing but a failure.

It’s all I’ve ever been.

I wish every day I was aborted because neither of my parents had me. I was unwanted since the day I was born. All I am is a waste of space.

I’m scared of being alone, but I know I will end up that way. And when I do? That’ll be the end of it, and the end of myself.

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My dad was chronically depressed at a time when such things weren’t spoken of. He couldn’t hold a job or be a parent. My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic and had BPD. I spent hundreds of tearful nights hoping someone would take me away from the situation. Both parents made it clear I wasn’t wanted. I was molested, abused and suffered from PTSD. I lived under the assumption that I was doomed to a life of misery. Before I dropped out, the school counselor promised me that I’d never succeed at anything. I was an extreme introvert and misfit.

I was able to hang on to menial jobs, and that’s what I did for years. Gradually, my life improved, and I dared to feel hopeful at times, that maybe my life wouldn’t totally suck. I won’t go into much detail, but I went the counseling and medication route, with limited success, but over time, both the counseling and medications became more effective.

A lot has changed for me. I’ve changed too. I’m okay now.

A troubled past doesn’t mean the future can’t be better. Be persistent with the therapy and medications.

You aren’t alone. Stay in touch here, and let us know how things are going for you.

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Hi my friend,
thank you for sharing, thank you for coming back to us, reaching out to us.
i am so sorry to hear that all, no one has to go through all of that.
it is hard, really hard to even look at what you have gone through this far, to hear that, i can only imagine how it must
feel for you at this moment. i am sorry to hear that with the loss of your grandma.
you may feel like what you have written down here, you may see this right now, it seems like it is clear to you. but i don’t think so. what i read out of this . . .
not a failure, not even close to. broken ? maybe, who not these days. unwanted ? not here, not for me.
waste of space? no human is. everyone has a right to live. scared of being alone ? me too, i am scared of being lonely, scared of the future, scared of my life too. depression is doing things with us, we don’t want.
i feel so sad lately, my mood is down again, feeling numb and empty, hating myself for a lot of reasons. wish i could
disappear right away, run away into a void of nothing. so many things that are there, but also not.
what matters is you.
you are not your depression.
what i see in you . . .
you are strong. you are brave. you are more then all of that. look what you have overcome this far. what you have
been through and you are here typing this down ? i would take my hat off to you, i would hug the hell out of you.
because you deserve that. you deserve so much more.
can’t chase your dreams ? me also not, Ariel is still not real and Nessi a shy monster. but you have dreams. keep them. allow them to be there. that is good.
to be patient and consistent with all of this is hard, its draining, it is sucking the life out of us. there is one more thing…
you try.
and for me personally this is nothing but awesome. i am proud of you. we are proud of you, and be sure but you
absoluetely can be proud of yourself. after all that what you living with, what you been through, look at yourself.
we all change through our journey in life. you decide in which direction you go. no one else. you are deciding the
pace and the path.
i think that our lifes are often not what we would like them to be, but we can change them to be. even just a little bit,
we still try. we are here to try. sometimes we grow, sometimes we learn and grow around that obstacle.
you are loved my friend. you matter most ! :purple_heart: we are here for you, anytime you need someone.
feel hugged

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I’ll be honest, I haven’t told anyone. Not even a close friend— but lately I’ve been at probably one of the lowest points in my life, and though I’ve never had an actual attempt, I’ve thought about just what people would say if I was no longer here. Even if it’s not by suicide.

I’d hope they’d pick one of my favorite selfies I’ve had as a profile picture. One I actually tried smiling in. One where I attempted to look happy. Since I’m so bad at it.

I’d hope they’d talk about my passion for art and animation, and not about the horrible other thing I unfortunately went into college for.

I’d hope they’d talk about my love for my dog, and my friends.

I’d hope they’d write nice things about me. The things I wished they’d say to me now, when I actually need it. I wish they’d say how I was funny and kind and helpful to others— things they never say to me.

I wish my family said they were proud of me.

I wish they said they cared.

Or that they loved me and meant it.

I feel if it wasn’t for my dog, maybe I would have done something and offed myself already. But then I’d leave the mess of all my things for my family to have to clean up. And then the mess of myself.

I’ve always told or shown others how proud I was of them, that I loved or cared about them— but it was never something reciprocated. Even my ex found some way to just push me out and bring someone else in instead. I wish I didn’t ruin so many friendships I did.

I’m nothing but a burden, and I know I’ll die that way someday. I’m never going to amount to much.

I just hope my obituary wouldn’t read that way.

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I am a suicide attempti and I can say it definitely doesn’t help

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Having done hospice work for years, I’ve found that it’s very common for family and friends to have very little to say about why they appreciate a person until it’s too late for them to hear it. That’s why it’s become a popular topic of dark comedy in which a person who is either thought to be dead or ghost, hears their own eulogy and wishes they’d have heard those things while they were still living.

Being “nothing but a burden” is impossible. Even if you’re 100% helpless, your need creates an opportunity for someone to fulfill it, thereby giving their life meaning. However, if you are walking and talking, making beds, doing dishes, even if not consistently, not to mention any kind of work you do, you are far from being “just a burden.”

Even when you are dying, you are instrumental in someone else’s fulfillment.

I don’t plan on having a funeral, but perhaps a memorial service later on. When it happens, I’m sure I’d like to hear good things said about me, but I’d especially enjoy hearing a lot of laughter, and no doubt, I have and will continue to provide a great deal of material to laugh about.

It might be worth thinking about how you define “much.” Less than 00000.1% of the people on this planet amount to much as it would be popularly defined. Be assured, every act of kindness, smile, act of forgiveness, and expression of self, changes the course of human history. Therefore, you are even more than “much.”

There is an essential truth in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The often overlooked part of that movie is that even the cab driver, the cop and the bartender had pivotal roles that guided subsequent events.

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It really does feel that way. I never hear from my family that they’re proud of me or anything, always how they’re always proud of everyone else instead. And I don’t mean to shame anyone in my family they’re proud of when I say it, but I’ve done a lot more in my life already to be ‘more accomplished’ than they have. But it’s always what I do wrong that gets noticed.

It’s hard because I try so hard for people to see me do something good. And it never goes through. I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts, and I want it to stop so bad. All I ever see now myself is my own mess ups in life, and I’m so tired of feeling every day that I’m just nothing but a failure.

I have thought about trying to just kill myself, and hope it doesn’t work. It sounds shitty, but I’m like “well maybe if there’s an attempt finally my family would see that hey somethings actually wrong here”, but I haven’t because I’m far too chicken shit that it might work and I’ll never see my friends or my dog again.

I’m so tired of being conscious all the time to just be around bad things in life. I can’t do anything right. I can’t even clean my room.

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Hey now, cleaning your room is like one of the hardest things to do for MANY folks! I would not use that as a measure of anything. Even someone with no present struggles might have a messy room, or things in random places.

Some families cannot share affection or praise. Some parents work so hard to “proide” and take care of expenses, that they ignore how important emotions are, or that they think they show it in unspoken ways - waking you up on mornings so that you will be early or on time for school or work. Cooking and then being made you don’t eat because they want you to be fed and healthy but can’t say it like that. They nag us to study and stop playing games/wasting time when they really want to say that they want us to have a brighter future, an easier life that they do.

But we cannot control what others do. So let me ask you:
Have YOU been saying these things to yourself? Do you look at your pictures and say “hey, i look nice in this one! Look how cute I am!”
Do you say, hey i’m a good dog owner/dog parent?
Do you praise yourself or acknowledge when you do something good or when you put in some effort?

Sometimes we need to hear a kind voice, to have someone see us, the real us. But sometimes, that person needs to be us ourselves who is good and kind. You sound like an amazing person, very loving and caring and thoughtful.
Are you able to say these nice things about yourself?

I’m glad you’re part of this community. We are better for having you here. You matter, and I hope you keep using these posts to share your thoughts and feelings with us. We care about you so much. Stay strong friend. :hrtlegolove:

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It’s unfortunate, but it very often happens that a person quietly manages their life well, and they receive very little acknowledgment for it. Instead, a family member who has problems, but sometimes performs well, get lots of praise. It was very much like that in my family. The family was so dysfunctional that I preferred to remain unnoticed.

Do good things for your own fulfillment, rather than to impress or please others. At school, it’s a different story because you need for the teachers to like what you do.

Clean your room because you want to be in a clean room. Realize that you deserve a decent and orderly environment. You have the power to make it so.

Your mind is stuck in a repeating loop of debilitating self defeating thoughts.

Consider the 4 questions asked by Byron Katie:

The Four Questions

Q1. Is it true?

Q2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Q3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

Q4. Who would you be without that thought?

There’s a lot more to her approach, including the “turn around” of asking, “what if the opposite is true?”

You might find some helpful stuff on her site: The Work of Byron Katie

When you look at a project that intimidates you, for example, rather than tell yourself “I’ve got a clean this big old mess,” ask yourself what small first step feels doable. For example, “can I put these two books back on the shelf?” Or “can I empty that wastebasket?” In other words, take it a little bit at a time. The same principle holds true for other things as well, even studying. It’s quite typical that taking the first step is the most difficult part of accomplishing a task.

To become functionally disabled, tell yourself you can’t do things. To enable and empower yourself, speak the truth, that you really can do things. I know this to be true, based on your words that you have already done more in your life to be “accomplished.”

Your life is just beginning. There will be opportunities to experience joy and fulfillment. In the future, your family’s approval will diminish in significance. Incredibly, at that point you are much more likely to receive it.

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I just wanted to reach out to see how you’re going and to let you know that you’re so loved. I’m so sorry that things have been so hard on you.
Hope you’re able to have a bit of time to self care and be gentle to yourself

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Hey Friend,

I’m incredibly sorry to hear that you’ve been hefting this burden for so long. It’s a lot for a person to handle and the fact you’re here sharing with us these things says a lot about your strength. This inspires me…

I know you stated that therapy/psychiatry hasn’t helped, but I want to encourage you to find a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma.

The abandonment you consciously / unconsciously experienced as a child compounded by the passing of your only true parental figure.

I think that working with someone who specializes in this and can safely and professionally help you sort some things out could help begin to alleviate some of the weight of the burden you’re carrying. It will probably be painful, but I believe it will help set you on a course to truly enjoying life and all the beauty that’s in it.

Stay strong, my friend. I believe in you.

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@Wings , thank you for the personal experience. I appreciate it a lot.
I feel in a way… a lot to that. I live within a family that doesn’t believe I have any “reason” to be “depressed or stressed”. A family that literally disregards actual things I’ve been diagnosed with. One that blames me for everything…

I’ve been trying to job search, and I just find myself even more stressed and depressed. And, I’m looking for jobs for what I went to school for-- which I don’t want to do. And they keep asking questions about things related to that field, that I unfortunately don’t remember. I feel so stuck. I’m not in therapy anymore and it’s been hell trying to get back into it. I feel alone.

@Aardvark I appreciate all the kind things you’ve said here. It really means a lot. I just feel like I’m a burden that won’t amount to much sometimes, honestly…

@ManekiNeko I appreciate the checkup. I’ve been able to get my room situation sorted, at least. So there’s a start.

@I-Am-Reclaimer I never really looked into a therapist for something like that. Honestly the therapist I had shared a lot of regular resources for conflict resolution and emotional regulation with me. Our main focus had been my past relationship, but… I didn’t think she was going to leave that soon.

I just… wish I felt like me again.

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Realize you have no reason to “take ownership” of that blame. Therapy and/or counseling is more important than you may think. Something needs to break the cycle of stress and depression feeding into more stress and depression.

If you have any of your old work to review, it may help. Keep in mind that stress and depression undermines cognitive function, making it difficult to remember and focus.

What is a barrier that’s making it hard to get therapy?

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@Wings

It’s IT, so a lot of it is random IT knowledge like the difference between file systems and motherboards, etc etc. I have ADHD, and unfortunately I only retained what I needed to survive to program and get out of there. I managed to get my job with the school (which I’m now unemployed from), but even then I wasn’t pulling motherboards apart and remembering the differences between everything. I can repair things just fine, but I can’t give you the technical “why things work the way they do”

I got blamed for getting fired. I had a medical condition that impaired my walking, and I’m at an at will state, so my job cut me instead of letting me have a couple days for the medication I had to help me feel better. IT isn’t something I want to keep going into, but with living with my aunt, she keeps making me go into it.

I’d unfortunately have to go to therapy out of town now, since the one in town my insurance stopped paying for. With that, like I said, my aunt thinks I’m not stressed/depressed, so she doesn’t think I need it. She dictates a lot of what I do. I don’t feel like an adult, I feel like a child tasked with adult responsibilities, but no adult freedom with anything.

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Hello. My message will likely just be story/description of my experience with similar feelings and situations to you, as I have not experienced even half of what you wrote about nor am I a trained professional, which makes me unqualified to give any sort of advice. I will just say what I think about your situation and worked for me alright?

First of all, it feels really heartbreaking to see one person to go through so much pain. I am truly sorry to hear that. In response to your words: “I don’t get what I did. I still don’t.” - probably nothing to deserve this. Not everything happens for a reason. Its cruel. Its meaningless. Its life. From your standpoint, you would probably be justified to hate life (but that path leads to even more suffering in the long-term).

So, I will talk about my own story now, maybe something from it would be of value to you.
It all started…when I was born. My mom says that I was a really reserved and quiet child, even in primary school and earlier. An unpleasant event (or series of events) that affected my current behavior is the fact that I was bullied, by girls, in kindergarten. I am a guy. From where I am from it is not really a manly thing to be bullied by girls. Anyways, I am not bothered by that anymore (consciously at least) though I do fear talking to strangers still, women especially.
Words that can describe my mother are: paranoid, perfectionist, stubborn, despises change (sorry, dont know how to say that in a single word), impatient, unloving, picky, competitive, cruel, ignorant. I was almost never praised as a child, the words “i love you” could be heard once a year maybe, “i respect you” - not a chance. As for my father, he changed a lot for the better in the last few years, though still I struggle to communicate properly. Perhaps since he was barely present in my childhood - he decided to focus on his career during my upbringing. He was not that kind either.

As a result, I grew up without an inch of love of self-respect. Feelings, that would really help me in my weakest moment in life - last year of high school, when lady luck put moving out to father’s place, a break up, exams and overall preparation to be a functional adult in a different country in the same period of time. Was the 2nd worst period of my life. 1st worst being after I moved - alone, lost, confused and hateful. That is when I decided to go to therapy. I was never diagnosed with anything, though I did show signs of depression. My family, just like yours, was in (almost) complete denial about the existence of any mental issues. That did not help, obviously.

Thankfully, i found a great therapist and now on a course to learn to feel something I never did towards myself. I have made a lot of progress, particularly in how I treat myself. Found it the most effective solution. I now notice that there are so many people hating themselves, did not know it was so widespread earlier. For me, I think a huge bulk of my mental issues will be solved when I learn to treat myself with love and respect that I so craved from my parents. A weird event that confirmed my suspicion is when I got drunk a few days ago. I felt awful and could not get rid of the pain in my chest (that is how i feel emotions sometimes, through the body), and so I drank to get myself even a little bit less tense. What I noticed is how I could see my thoughts in real time, when normally they are only subconsciously present. And these thought were hateful. The amount of rudeness, anger and just harsh words towards me was insurmountable. Intellectually, I do not hate myself. Emotionally, I guess I still do. That was quite an experience, I think it showed me a possible solution to the problem. I need to learn to love myself. Treat myself with respect, not hurt, not criticize, not devalue. I am a human after all. So are you.

Obviously, my conclusion might not work for you. Hell, it might not even work for me! I am still figuring it all out. But please, if you are suffering, you do not need to do it alone. Seek help. Research. Do NOT give up on yourself. You are the closest person to yourself that you will ever have. Sometimes life is just so bluntly and ruthlessly hard for no reason at all, though that does not need to define you or your future.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Kind Regards,
Dmitrii

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I received an A+ certification during the days of Windows 3.0. At about the same time, I was diagnosed with ADD. I’ve forgotten most of what I learned to get the certification, but I still do build computers. I can’t remember much of anything about DOS command lines, but “Windows Power Shell” is something of a continuation of DOS. I don’t get into the software very much at all. These days, when a computer flakes out, I just back up user files, format and reload Windows. IT is the kind of thing that quickly fades from memory if you’re not working with it. That doesn’t mean all the time you took to learn has gone to waste. If you were to get back into the field, it wouldn’t take long for you to pick up where you left off and integrate your background with the latest developments.

I have a theory about ADHD. You’ve heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I believe people with ADHD do much of their thinking through a sequence of visualizations and intuitive flashes. It’s really hard to slow down such a mind and harness it to the slow slog of linear internal dialogue. For a person with ADHD, paying attention to the typical and relatively glacial classroom pace, is torture.

My early life was pretty crappy. It included bullying, molestation, PTSD, hunger, poor health and poverty. I grew up at a time when mental health issues were something to be embarrassed about and hidden. Both of my parents had debilitating mental health problems, and they never received help. I didn’t get any help until half my life was over.

It sounds as though your aunt has grown up or has become aligned with the older generation’s denial of how important mental health care is. For that reason, she is not taking your mental health challenges seriously.

I really think it would be worth it to get therapy, even if it’s out of town. It may not be ideal, but maybe some of the meetings could occur over Zoom or Skype. Are you familiar with Heart Support on Discord? Some of the staff respond with video messages. There are also opportunities for real-time chat.

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The thing is… I really don’t want to work with it anymore. No offense. I feel like I’m stuck where I am because of my family’s expectations that I went to college for that and animation, and animation got me nowhere (things really aren’t hiring for animation either), so I have to get a job in IT.

Honestly, that sounds about right. I used to love school, for the most part, until I got bullied for being into anime and liking cats I guess. I’m just an animal lover in general. By middle school, my grades started getting rocky, and then tanking. I went from being considered a gifted kid to “lazy”. It’s always being lazy now.

I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ve had some of the same story myself.

I agree. My grandmother was looking into getting me into psychiatry, and then she got sick, and then passed. I never filled out the paperwork. 2022 I tried to get into bettering my mental health, especially for my “partner”. But, it’s like it didn’t matter. He didn’t stick around. He didn’t listen to me. He never believed me.

I have a consultation for a new therapist Monday. I am in the discord server regularly. I just choose more to help others there than myself.

I feel so alone and just… forgotten about, I guess. Unheard, even with my closest friends. It’s all their opinions before even hearing me out sometimes. It’s hard, and every day feels so much harder.

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It’s super rare that you meet a person who applies 100% focus on listening to another rather than be mentally occupied with thinking about how they’re going to answer back. In other words, those who listen carefully with both heart and mind are few and far between.

It would seem that someone with ADD or ADHD would have difficulty giving another person that kind of quality attention, but in my experience, such individuals tend to be well practiced at it. It occurs to me that diffused focus isn’t the same as diminished focus. Perhaps ADD/ADHD enables a greater amount of information to be perceived, which leads to greater insight and intuition, which in turn leads an individual to recognize the importance of being a focused listener. Talking heads at the front of a classroom may not be part of that phenomenon.

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It’s honestly non of my business what kind of therapy your take part in, nor is it my right to suggest what therapy you should look into.

I do, however, think there is value in exploring that as a means to finding a possible root to pull out.

You say you want to feel like you again… What does that feel like?

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