Dysthymia Will Most Likely Be the Death of Me

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As some of my past posts have said; I have Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) and Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression). They have overtaken my life for several years, making it practically impossible to live with. Trying to get treatment for it? Made it even worse.

My partner and I got into it heavy when I had a double depression episode last April. We went to “on a break terms”. He’s poly, it doesn’t bother me— but during our break he got with another one of our friends, and didn’t tell me. A month before April, he wanted me to get my mental health in order. I got on Prozac, despite SSRIs not working for me (we had a talk about that). I couldn’t get into therapy until a month later. Had my consultation, my Prozac failed, me and my partner got into it— all in the span of April. I was crushed. At least, I thought I was.

April has been a hard month for me for almost seven years now. I lost my grandmother (I was adopted, so she was basically my mother. And the only parental figure I had) to stage four lung cancer, a month before I’d graduate high school. I had MDD for years, and we were talking about getting me into psychiatry— then she got sick. Then she died. I work for the school I graduated in, and I found out about her passing in school. Last year, on the anniversary of her passing, I had a panic attack to the point I was dry heaving. And it set in with me even further with my partner not being around that *I was even more alone than I usually was. *

I don’t get what I did. I still don’t. I was told to work on my mental health, so I did. At least, the best I could. I went to therapy weekly, I was trying psychiatry and medication (after prozac failed, I was put on a mood stabilizer that I thought was failing, only to find out by a gene test it never worked. I try lexapro next. My last attempt at an antidepressant before I’m put on an antipsychotic. I’m broken. I know I am. I can’t do anything right. Can’t keep a relationship. A job. Friends. I can’t chase my dreams I really want to go for. I’m nothing but a failure.

It’s all I’ve ever been.

I wish every day I was aborted because neither of my parents had me. I was unwanted since the day I was born. All I am is a waste of space.

I’m scared of being alone, but I know I will end up that way. And when I do? That’ll be the end of it, and the end of myself.

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My dad was chronically depressed at a time when such things weren’t spoken of. He couldn’t hold a job or be a parent. My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic and had BPD. I spent hundreds of tearful nights hoping someone would take me away from the situation. Both parents made it clear I wasn’t wanted. I was molested, abused and suffered from PTSD. I lived under the assumption that I was doomed to a life of misery. Before I dropped out, the school counselor promised me that I’d never succeed at anything. I was an extreme introvert and misfit.

I was able to hang on to menial jobs, and that’s what I did for years. Gradually, my life improved, and I dared to feel hopeful at times, that maybe my life wouldn’t totally suck. I won’t go into much detail, but I went the counseling and medication route, with limited success, but over time, both the counseling and medications became more effective.

A lot has changed for me. I’ve changed too. I’m okay now.

A troubled past doesn’t mean the future can’t be better. Be persistent with the therapy and medications.

You aren’t alone. Stay in touch here, and let us know how things are going for you.

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Hi my friend,
thank you for sharing, thank you for coming back to us, reaching out to us.
i am so sorry to hear that all, no one has to go through all of that.
it is hard, really hard to even look at what you have gone through this far, to hear that, i can only imagine how it must
feel for you at this moment. i am sorry to hear that with the loss of your grandma.
you may feel like what you have written down here, you may see this right now, it seems like it is clear to you. but i don’t think so. what i read out of this . . .
not a failure, not even close to. broken ? maybe, who not these days. unwanted ? not here, not for me.
waste of space? no human is. everyone has a right to live. scared of being alone ? me too, i am scared of being lonely, scared of the future, scared of my life too. depression is doing things with us, we don’t want.
i feel so sad lately, my mood is down again, feeling numb and empty, hating myself for a lot of reasons. wish i could
disappear right away, run away into a void of nothing. so many things that are there, but also not.
what matters is you.
you are not your depression.
what i see in you . . .
you are strong. you are brave. you are more then all of that. look what you have overcome this far. what you have
been through and you are here typing this down ? i would take my hat off to you, i would hug the hell out of you.
because you deserve that. you deserve so much more.
can’t chase your dreams ? me also not, Ariel is still not real and Nessi a shy monster. but you have dreams. keep them. allow them to be there. that is good.
to be patient and consistent with all of this is hard, its draining, it is sucking the life out of us. there is one more thing…
you try.
and for me personally this is nothing but awesome. i am proud of you. we are proud of you, and be sure but you
absoluetely can be proud of yourself. after all that what you living with, what you been through, look at yourself.
we all change through our journey in life. you decide in which direction you go. no one else. you are deciding the
pace and the path.
i think that our lifes are often not what we would like them to be, but we can change them to be. even just a little bit,
we still try. we are here to try. sometimes we grow, sometimes we learn and grow around that obstacle.
you are loved my friend. you matter most ! :purple_heart: we are here for you, anytime you need someone.
feel hugged

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I just wanted to reach out to see how you’re going and to let you know that you’re so loved. I’m so sorry that things have been so hard on you.
Hope you’re able to have a bit of time to self care and be gentle to yourself

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Hey Friend,

I’m incredibly sorry to hear that you’ve been hefting this burden for so long. It’s a lot for a person to handle and the fact you’re here sharing with us these things says a lot about your strength. This inspires me…

I know you stated that therapy/psychiatry hasn’t helped, but I want to encourage you to find a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma.

The abandonment you consciously / unconsciously experienced as a child compounded by the passing of your only true parental figure.

I think that working with someone who specializes in this and can safely and professionally help you sort some things out could help begin to alleviate some of the weight of the burden you’re carrying. It will probably be painful, but I believe it will help set you on a course to truly enjoying life and all the beauty that’s in it.

Stay strong, my friend. I believe in you.

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@Wings , thank you for the personal experience. I appreciate it a lot.
I feel in a way… a lot to that. I live within a family that doesn’t believe I have any “reason” to be “depressed or stressed”. A family that literally disregards actual things I’ve been diagnosed with. One that blames me for everything…

I’ve been trying to job search, and I just find myself even more stressed and depressed. And, I’m looking for jobs for what I went to school for-- which I don’t want to do. And they keep asking questions about things related to that field, that I unfortunately don’t remember. I feel so stuck. I’m not in therapy anymore and it’s been hell trying to get back into it. I feel alone.

@Aardvark I appreciate all the kind things you’ve said here. It really means a lot. I just feel like I’m a burden that won’t amount to much sometimes, honestly…

@ManekiNeko I appreciate the checkup. I’ve been able to get my room situation sorted, at least. So there’s a start.

@I-Am-Reclaimer I never really looked into a therapist for something like that. Honestly the therapist I had shared a lot of regular resources for conflict resolution and emotional regulation with me. Our main focus had been my past relationship, but… I didn’t think she was going to leave that soon.

I just… wish I felt like me again.

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Realize you have no reason to “take ownership” of that blame. Therapy and/or counseling is more important than you may think. Something needs to break the cycle of stress and depression feeding into more stress and depression.

If you have any of your old work to review, it may help. Keep in mind that stress and depression undermines cognitive function, making it difficult to remember and focus.

What is a barrier that’s making it hard to get therapy?

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@Wings

It’s IT, so a lot of it is random IT knowledge like the difference between file systems and motherboards, etc etc. I have ADHD, and unfortunately I only retained what I needed to survive to program and get out of there. I managed to get my job with the school (which I’m now unemployed from), but even then I wasn’t pulling motherboards apart and remembering the differences between everything. I can repair things just fine, but I can’t give you the technical “why things work the way they do”

I got blamed for getting fired. I had a medical condition that impaired my walking, and I’m at an at will state, so my job cut me instead of letting me have a couple days for the medication I had to help me feel better. IT isn’t something I want to keep going into, but with living with my aunt, she keeps making me go into it.

I’d unfortunately have to go to therapy out of town now, since the one in town my insurance stopped paying for. With that, like I said, my aunt thinks I’m not stressed/depressed, so she doesn’t think I need it. She dictates a lot of what I do. I don’t feel like an adult, I feel like a child tasked with adult responsibilities, but no adult freedom with anything.

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Hello. My message will likely just be story/description of my experience with similar feelings and situations to you, as I have not experienced even half of what you wrote about nor am I a trained professional, which makes me unqualified to give any sort of advice. I will just say what I think about your situation and worked for me alright?

First of all, it feels really heartbreaking to see one person to go through so much pain. I am truly sorry to hear that. In response to your words: “I don’t get what I did. I still don’t.” - probably nothing to deserve this. Not everything happens for a reason. Its cruel. Its meaningless. Its life. From your standpoint, you would probably be justified to hate life (but that path leads to even more suffering in the long-term).

So, I will talk about my own story now, maybe something from it would be of value to you.
It all started…when I was born. My mom says that I was a really reserved and quiet child, even in primary school and earlier. An unpleasant event (or series of events) that affected my current behavior is the fact that I was bullied, by girls, in kindergarten. I am a guy. From where I am from it is not really a manly thing to be bullied by girls. Anyways, I am not bothered by that anymore (consciously at least) though I do fear talking to strangers still, women especially.
Words that can describe my mother are: paranoid, perfectionist, stubborn, despises change (sorry, dont know how to say that in a single word), impatient, unloving, picky, competitive, cruel, ignorant. I was almost never praised as a child, the words “i love you” could be heard once a year maybe, “i respect you” - not a chance. As for my father, he changed a lot for the better in the last few years, though still I struggle to communicate properly. Perhaps since he was barely present in my childhood - he decided to focus on his career during my upbringing. He was not that kind either.

As a result, I grew up without an inch of love of self-respect. Feelings, that would really help me in my weakest moment in life - last year of high school, when lady luck put moving out to father’s place, a break up, exams and overall preparation to be a functional adult in a different country in the same period of time. Was the 2nd worst period of my life. 1st worst being after I moved - alone, lost, confused and hateful. That is when I decided to go to therapy. I was never diagnosed with anything, though I did show signs of depression. My family, just like yours, was in (almost) complete denial about the existence of any mental issues. That did not help, obviously.

Thankfully, i found a great therapist and now on a course to learn to feel something I never did towards myself. I have made a lot of progress, particularly in how I treat myself. Found it the most effective solution. I now notice that there are so many people hating themselves, did not know it was so widespread earlier. For me, I think a huge bulk of my mental issues will be solved when I learn to treat myself with love and respect that I so craved from my parents. A weird event that confirmed my suspicion is when I got drunk a few days ago. I felt awful and could not get rid of the pain in my chest (that is how i feel emotions sometimes, through the body), and so I drank to get myself even a little bit less tense. What I noticed is how I could see my thoughts in real time, when normally they are only subconsciously present. And these thought were hateful. The amount of rudeness, anger and just harsh words towards me was insurmountable. Intellectually, I do not hate myself. Emotionally, I guess I still do. That was quite an experience, I think it showed me a possible solution to the problem. I need to learn to love myself. Treat myself with respect, not hurt, not criticize, not devalue. I am a human after all. So are you.

Obviously, my conclusion might not work for you. Hell, it might not even work for me! I am still figuring it all out. But please, if you are suffering, you do not need to do it alone. Seek help. Research. Do NOT give up on yourself. You are the closest person to yourself that you will ever have. Sometimes life is just so bluntly and ruthlessly hard for no reason at all, though that does not need to define you or your future.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Kind Regards,
Dmitrii

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I received an A+ certification during the days of Windows 3.0. At about the same time, I was diagnosed with ADD. I’ve forgotten most of what I learned to get the certification, but I still do build computers. I can’t remember much of anything about DOS command lines, but “Windows Power Shell” is something of a continuation of DOS. I don’t get into the software very much at all. These days, when a computer flakes out, I just back up user files, format and reload Windows. IT is the kind of thing that quickly fades from memory if you’re not working with it. That doesn’t mean all the time you took to learn has gone to waste. If you were to get back into the field, it wouldn’t take long for you to pick up where you left off and integrate your background with the latest developments.

I have a theory about ADHD. You’ve heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I believe people with ADHD do much of their thinking through a sequence of visualizations and intuitive flashes. It’s really hard to slow down such a mind and harness it to the slow slog of linear internal dialogue. For a person with ADHD, paying attention to the typical and relatively glacial classroom pace, is torture.

My early life was pretty crappy. It included bullying, molestation, PTSD, hunger, poor health and poverty. I grew up at a time when mental health issues were something to be embarrassed about and hidden. Both of my parents had debilitating mental health problems, and they never received help. I didn’t get any help until half my life was over.

It sounds as though your aunt has grown up or has become aligned with the older generation’s denial of how important mental health care is. For that reason, she is not taking your mental health challenges seriously.

I really think it would be worth it to get therapy, even if it’s out of town. It may not be ideal, but maybe some of the meetings could occur over Zoom or Skype. Are you familiar with Heart Support on Discord? Some of the staff respond with video messages. There are also opportunities for real-time chat.

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The thing is… I really don’t want to work with it anymore. No offense. I feel like I’m stuck where I am because of my family’s expectations that I went to college for that and animation, and animation got me nowhere (things really aren’t hiring for animation either), so I have to get a job in IT.

Honestly, that sounds about right. I used to love school, for the most part, until I got bullied for being into anime and liking cats I guess. I’m just an animal lover in general. By middle school, my grades started getting rocky, and then tanking. I went from being considered a gifted kid to “lazy”. It’s always being lazy now.

I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ve had some of the same story myself.

I agree. My grandmother was looking into getting me into psychiatry, and then she got sick, and then passed. I never filled out the paperwork. 2022 I tried to get into bettering my mental health, especially for my “partner”. But, it’s like it didn’t matter. He didn’t stick around. He didn’t listen to me. He never believed me.

I have a consultation for a new therapist Monday. I am in the discord server regularly. I just choose more to help others there than myself.

I feel so alone and just… forgotten about, I guess. Unheard, even with my closest friends. It’s all their opinions before even hearing me out sometimes. It’s hard, and every day feels so much harder.

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It’s super rare that you meet a person who applies 100% focus on listening to another rather than be mentally occupied with thinking about how they’re going to answer back. In other words, those who listen carefully with both heart and mind are few and far between.

It would seem that someone with ADD or ADHD would have difficulty giving another person that kind of quality attention, but in my experience, such individuals tend to be well practiced at it. It occurs to me that diffused focus isn’t the same as diminished focus. Perhaps ADD/ADHD enables a greater amount of information to be perceived, which leads to greater insight and intuition, which in turn leads an individual to recognize the importance of being a focused listener. Talking heads at the front of a classroom may not be part of that phenomenon.

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It’s honestly non of my business what kind of therapy your take part in, nor is it my right to suggest what therapy you should look into.

I do, however, think there is value in exploring that as a means to finding a possible root to pull out.

You say you want to feel like you again… What does that feel like?

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