I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for two years now. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and we are both extremely happy and supportive of each other. We bought our first home together this year, and overall enjoy each other’s company. My boyfriend is 6 years older than me, and has a 6 year old daughter with an ex of his. (I’m 22 and he is 28) Amazingly enough, we both get along great with his daughter’s mom and her fiance. She really is a great mom and I am extremely happy with the relationship that we all have with each other.
Now here is where it sounds completely harsh and bitchy of me.
For some reason, I can’t help but be annoyed by my boyfriend’s daughter. I know she is young, and still a child, but she is wild and sometimes does things that make me irritable. I don’t have any kids of my own, but I do think I would want one eventually. I’m just young and still in school full time, and work full time. We don’t have her every day, since she lives primarily with her mom, step dad, and step sister, but we do have her most evenings during the week and sometimes over night on the weekends. I care about her, but I don’t have a mother daughter love-connection with her. Sometimes I get irritated at the way my boyfriend parents her. He wants me to be involved, and be like a mother figure to her, but there are things I would do differently and I never feel like it is my place to tell him any different. I hope that maybe as she grows up, she will become more mature and her and I will get along better.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m not super familiar around kids, or if it’s because I would do things differently, or if I’m just a bitch?
It’s not news to me that I’m impatient sometimes. I wish I wasn’t, I just get anxious and overwhelmed if things don’t go as planned, or if they don’t go the way I picture them to go. I don’t want to be a shitty girlfriend, and mother figure to her, but I’m not sure really what to do. I try to be conscious of the way I respond, and I am trying to work on things to just be more patient and accepting. I still have my bad days though, and having her sometimes just puts me in a bad mood. It sometimes then, puts my boyfriend in a bad mood, because I’m in a bad mood.
I just want to be everything for him, and I would like to be there for her and be someone she can come to when she is older with problems. I don’t want to be the evil step mom. I just can’t seem to connect with her on my end. I honestly do think that things would be different if I had my own child, and actually raised a kid and had some more understanding. And I just don’t think my boyfriend really understands. I’m sure he would maybe feel the same way if the role was reversed and I had a kid that wasn’t his. It’s just a hard thing for me.
Any advice for me? I can’t be the only one who has this issue when their partner has kid’s that aren’t yours?
Thanks in advance.
Hey @larynjoy,
First of all, congratulation for your relationship and your moving together. Sounds really positive for both of you! I wish you the best.
Also about your boyfriends daughter, I’d like to ask: did you ever have an opportunity to spend some time with her but just the two of you? Because knowing each other is something new for both of you. So having moments together can be necessary. There are many activities that you can do and which could help you learn from each other: cooking, playing together, having a walk outside in nature, watching a movie (…).
Yea kids can be annoying sometimes. It’s not bad to say that and you’re not bitchy. But you do care about her and there’s absolutely no doubt you want to do things right. You know, even if she’s young you can help her to learn new things and she will certainly share with you how she sees the world through her own eyes. Even if she’s young, she’s still a person and you can learn to know many things from her like with anyone else, as she can learn from you. Thankfully you don’t have to wait for her to grow up for that. 
Just do it step by step. I understand your boyfriend and the fact he wants you to be a mother figure for her. He wants to be sure everything goes right for everyone, but he has to give you the time and space you both need for that. As she already has her mother and spend more time with her, it can be an uncomfortable role for her as for you in the beginning. But that’s true, you can still learn to be a positive/feminine/caring figure to her. Someone who makes her feel safe, who hold positive values, who help her growing in a positive environment.
Maybe talking about your worries with your boyfriend could help. He’s the one there who really knows you and his daughter. He can help you to learn how to connect with her.
Sending much love your way. 
Thank you. It’s honestly really difficult when you’re involved with someone else’s kids. It’s hard to know where your place is. I do communicate with him, and I try to recognize when I’m getting annoyed and not act that way toward her.
Thank you for the advice.