I am struggling a bit right now. I feel like I will always be damaged goods. I want to heal but it is so hard! I just don’t want to be here anymore. I would never take my life but I don’t think I’d do anything to prevent it. I feel like I am just existing.
Thank you so much for listening! I don’t feel like I’m going to be judged for voicing my thoughts and feelings.
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Of course, friend. You will never be judged here, especially not for sharing what’s on your heart. I’m glad you feel safe enough to do so, and that this community can be refuge whenever you need it.
The feelings you describe are very familiar to me, and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. What you describe is exactly how we feel when simply do our best to survive in the midst of circumstances that tend to overwhelm us. We are here, present, alive, but at the same time it feels unreal, as if embracing what the good that life has to offer was impossible. Thankfully it is not, and these feelings are circumstancial. But it is still felt deepy, and very real to us when it happens/
Do you think there is something that has contributed to make you feel that way today, or this week? I’ve been thinking of you, of what you have shared, and I imagine that it must been pretty draining in the long run.
You are not alone, still and always. It’s always an honor to listen, and I’m looking forward to hearing some life updates from you, if you’re comfortable with it. 
I think partly it is because my counselor has taken a break from the “hard stuff” the past couple of weeks and we start back up, facing it this week. I just want it to go away. I don’t want to have to think about it again but the more I try to push it down, the more it comes out.
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This completely makes sense. Knowing that you are going to keep exploring these wounds is a huge stressor. I had some meetings with my therapist that were very painful even if kept things somehow on the surface. We take baby steps when we learn to approach what hurts us the most, and it’s good that you are taking those steps in safe space and with a safe person.
I wish for you that you wouldn’t have to think about this. That you never had any of those traumatic events happening in your life. You are right though: trying to ignore it over and over only make the pain more intense in the long run, and it feels more and more impossible to even reconnect with how we feel. I hate this feeling of having no choice but to sit with my pain from time to time as it is part of healing. I hate that it has to be part of your life too.
You ar every brave for taking those steps. You are learning to sit down with monsters that remained hidden in the closet for too long. You are learning to build peace instead of being at war with yourself. The process is messy and painful. I can assure you that you are doing the right thing though by keeping up these meetings with your counselor, and for not giving up on yourself. For what it is worth coming from me, I am so very proud of you and inspired by your resilience. You may not see it right now, but there is a real strength within you.
For your next session, I’d encourage you to make sure to share your fears and stress to your counselor. Communicating about the meetings themselves and the direction you take together for your own healing is very important. They will welcome how you feel just as it is, and make sure to respect your own pace. If something is too much at a given time, if a conversation is still too overwhelming, it is okay to say it, to take a pause, to cry. The very fact that you go there speaks for itself and is very brave.
Make sure to rest after the meeting as well. These can be so exhausting, both mentally and physically. Your body and your mind will need to be cared for, whether it looks for you like simple acts of self-care, doing something you like, curling up in a blanket, etc. As long as it allows you to breathe a little bit, and could it be a way to reward your efforts too. Sometimes it helps to schedule something pleasant for after the meeting, just so it gives you a good and safe perspective to hold on to.
You will be okay.
PS - Would you mind sharing when is your next meeting? I’d like to send some friendly thoughts your way at that time, if that is okay for you.
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Thank you! I don’t feel very brave right now, I feel like a coward for wanting to hide.
My meetings are on Wednesday afternoons.
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you know what bravery is?
Surviving it.
Surviving afterwards.
Acknowledging that therapy could help you.
Actually going to therapy.
Being here and sharing your fears, worries, etc.
Replying to posts and then sharing some more.
You’re incredibly brave!
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Hiding is the most normal/human reaction you could have in these circumstances. Actually, it’s not unhealthy either. It’s a valid strategy! But you also know that growth happens by facing your pain, so you could learn ways to cope and not have your life on pause because of it. That is very brave. Trying, giving yourself a chance, getting the right support as well. You’ve been taking so many important steps, and still are taking them. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s about taking the actions that are right in spite of your fears.
(I will send all the positive vibes that I have on Wednesday. You got this. I believe in you).
Thinking of you today. You got this. You’ll be okay. <3
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It went okay. We did a little EMDR. The memories and flashbacks are so real and intense. I really appreciate all of you, your kind words and amazing support!
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@EastSide_Fans Thank you so much for the updates. I hope you managed to get some peace afterwards and that the rest of the week has been mostly peaceful for you. EMDR is a pretty strong type of therapy, and definitely a good choice in order to work on the burdens of your past. You can be proud of yourself and celebrate each step you’ve been taking in the direction of healing and getting help. You are amazing. Getting back to your reply tonight inspires me to keep going as well. Thank you for the gift of your vulnerability. You are still in my thoughts.
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This week has been rough. We did more EMDR work on Wednesday. I have felt sort of activated since then. Thursday, at work, I could not sit down. I felt like I was on crack. I work as a vet tech but because of a work injury, I am mostly at the front right now so kind of need to be able to sit down.
My counselor says I have to feel it to heal it. I am so tired of feeling it. I feel like it uses up all my energy and mental capacity. I don’t want to be around anyone. It is a struggle to go to work. When I get home, I just go upstairs to be by myself. I feel like I am shattering piece by piece.
Thank you so much for letting me talk about this. I appreciate everyone so much!
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@EastSide_Fans Feeling to heal it, yes it is surely part of the healing process. If we don’t acknowledge what’s happening inside of our heart, it becomes impossible to understand ourselves enough to heal. However, there are ways to do it safely and to ensure that it goes as smoothly as possible for you. During your meetings with your therapist, first, but also outside of them since we don’t always choose when we feel those things or ruminate memories.
Have you and your therapist ever discussed ways to cope when you are at home/at work - basically not during a meeting with them? It can be helpful to have your very own “mental health toolbox” with ideas, activities, objects that can help you when you are feeling like breaking down. To me personally, it helps to try to sit down for a bit and picture some kind of conversation with myself, and ask myself what do I need at the moment. That way, I think more clearly about ways to soothe myself and make some time for self-care. Otherwise, it gets difficult to see through the pain as it gets overwhelming very quickly. More often than not, it is a need for safety, one that has to be felt both emotionally and physically.
You are very brave for pursuing the EMDR/therapy work. Which is actually an understatement to say.
Right here and right now, you are safe. If you can, take a few seconds or minutes to acknowledge it. Even to say it if it helps. The images and sensations can be very present, the hurt very deep. But you are safe in the present moment.
I hope you can take some time to breathe today, also that your body will give you a break so you could find some peace of mind.
Sending thoughts and virtual hugs your way.
Hello! I’m sorry to keep coming back! I do really appreciate your knowledge and support! I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I feel like on the surface I’m putting on a good front but underneath I’ll drowning.
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It is absolutely okay to come back whenever you need and in any way you need. It’s always good to hear updates from you, whether it’s about things that are positive or not.
I’m sorry that you’ve been under this pressure of keeping a brave face while feeling like collapsing inside. This is a very consuming experience. If this space right here can be one where you can be yourself unapologetically, without feeling the need to hide how you truly feel, then please feel absolutely welcome to share what’s on your heart anytime. Your vulnerability is truly a gift.
How is it going since your last update - Therapy, family, husband? I’m more than willing to read all the things you’d be willing to share.
In the meantime, sending plenty of friendly thoughts and healing vibes your way. You’re not alone.
Does it make sense that I don’t want to die but I also don’t want to be alive?
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Does it make sense that I don’t want to die but I also don’t want to be alive?
Yes, it absolutely makes sense. It makes even more sense if you are hurting and/or have been dealing with a pain that has been present in your life for a significant amount of time. You want to live, you crave for a more simple, peaceful life. But there are still things to process, to deal with, to heal from, which is not particularly appealing. It actually takes a lot of energy. It makes sense to be tired, friend.
I’ve been feeling the same way you do throughout my life, more or less intensely. Like being stuck in this liminal space - feeling like existing yet not embracing life as such. It’s the type of experience that we have when we are faced with traumatic events or repeated adversity. We first survive, then we learn again to live, step by step. It really is a learning process, and there are seasons when we are likely to feel lost in this weird “in-between”.
You are not weird or crazy for feeling that way. What you describe is a valid experience, and it makes completely sense to feel like this while learning to heal from trauma.
How has been life on your end during the last three months? I would love to hear some updates from you, if you’d like to share. You’re not alone. Someone out there is rooting for you, still. 
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I’ve found if I keep myself busy, I don’t have time to think about everything. The busier the better. I work as a vet tech Monday-Thursday and just started working Friday, Saturday and Sunday at a Labradoodle kennel. I also took on a cleft palate puppy and have been putting so much into him. I’m hoping to move to the kennel full time but leaving the vet clinic is tough. My boss yells at my for things I didn’t do… it reminds me of my marriage. It’s what I am used to.
I’m having a hard time talking to my counselor about everything. I don’t want him to have that in his head like it is in mine. I feel like I bring a backpack in but am unable to unpack it all. It’s not that I don’t trust him , I do. I guess I don’t want him thinking less of me.
Thank you for listening, I do really appreciate it!
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yay for being busy… with pupppies!!!
Your counselor is trained for this, they undergo training that allows them keep a patient’s issues separate from their own issues, you don’t have to worry about your stuff getting into his head! He won’t think less of you either. It is an act of bravery to go to see a therapist. You’ve been so brave and survived so much already. Why not try writing about the stuff in the backpack? Write down some of the big things in there, and some of the smaller things, and then you can decide which ones you want to pull out first to have you tackle?
You’re brave and clearly you’re wonderful cuz you work with puppies 
Hope you continue to heal and progress, it was good to see a post from you!
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Thank you, that’s a good idea. I’ll start on my backpack list.
I love my puppy job! I have also really enjoyed raising the little cleft puppy. I’m calling him Bugatti or Boog for short.
Thank you for your reply and your kind words.
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