This last week Iv relapsed in an eating disorder that I was doing good with for almost a year. I know it stems from situations in my life being very out of my control. This last week each day I haven’t eaten more then 500 calories per day and I know that’s wrong but each time I look at food or think about food it feels wrong to. I am a Christian and know that God loves me and thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am and I feel like that should be enough to get me out of this. But I have this hatred for myself that I haven’t felt in a long time. I have no control it feels over anything in my life right know and I’m trying to hold on to God but i can’t when i know that my lack of eating is so self destructive. It hurts knowing that my self loathing and hatred towards myself breaks the heart of the God that I love so much. I don’t know how to renter a healthy relationship with food.
Thank you so much for being so transparent in how you are feeling and what you are going through! You are so strong in being bold. Being open and vulnerable is such a powerful act that shows true strength in sincerely desiring to get help and to get better.
I want to preface everything I’m about to say in this, I am someone who believes in God and has a relationship with him. I have faults, failures, and flaws that hinder me in viewing myself with value and fighting for joy on a daily basis. But I have hope in knowing that God views and values me beyond anything I can comprehend in this life and I know that that truth is the same with you as well. Keep fighting, I am here for you and you are not alone!
I can only imagine the thoughts and feelings you are experience when it comes to how you are feeling and for that I am truly sorry. It must be a challenge everyday when your emotional ties to food and the way in which you feel guilty enough to not want to eat, exhausting. You mentioned what you are dealing with stemming from situations in your life being very out of control, what did you encounter and experience? Reason why I ask is that healing can begin when directly addressing the root cause of your eating disorder and those situations that were out of your control. It’s so important to remember that it is not your fault, because you are already valued immensely by the one who truly matters and that is God.
Some practical things that can help is number one, speaking truth to yourself in knowing you are a precious image bearer of God. Try writing down the speaking out verbally the things you know are true of you and what God says in His word that you are to him. Also, what does your support system look like? Do you have a solid group of family or friends that can walk alongside you during this time. You should never feel like you are doing this alone. We are here for you in this community, but it’s so valuable to have people physically to be with you for support. Lastly, a book I would highly recommend is called, “Full: Food, Jesus, and the Battle for Satisfaction”. It is a book that is directly related to the topic you are going through as well.
Lastly, please remember that you have so much worth and value in this life. In this community, we are not perfect and a lot of us are fighting each and every day to find hope, meaning, and joy. Continue to fight for who you are and what you are meant to be as you journey through this life for healing. If there is anything else I can do to help, please let me know. I would be more than happy to be there for you beyond this support wall. Please don’t hesitate to let me know. Hold fast and take heart!
First off, thank you for being honest with us on the wall and with yourself. I can’t say that I myself have experienced an eating disorder, but I know what it’s like to struggle with my body image and self-esteem. I think that the fact that you are aware of your struggles and your relationship with food is powerful in itself. May I ask what has helped you before?
Please allow me to tell you that you are NOT disgusting. You are loved and you are beautiful. I hope that you can find some comfort in these words from a stranger. I hope you know that you are not alone.
Positive vibes your way!
I agree with the fact that it is such a good thing you are being honest with yourself. I believe that is the first step in getting better. We dont know how to make ourselves better until we see what it is that is hurting us. Saying that, take your time. Be easy on yourself and take it day by day. Some are better than others. Hold on to the good ones and remember them every day instead of the bad.
Don’t let your guilt or hatred consume you because God loves you so much. All has been forgiven and His love is eternal. We’re here for you!!
Praying for you tonight,
thank you so much. I downloaded the book that you mentioned and intend on reading it this week. thank you for your kind words and speaking truth into my life. I do have a good tangible community within my church and a mentor that I try to meet with almost weekly.
iv almost been hospitalized a couple times it the past but at the same time I didn’t realize I had a problem till it got really bad. This is the first time that iv been able to recognize it in myself before it getting really bad. but at the same time I don’t know what do eather. I know the simple answer would just be to eat
(Side note: I love your name! Flyleaf/Lacey Sturm is my favorite music artist of all-time )
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle with your eating disorder. Whenever you relapse, don’t focus on the slip-up, but focus on the small victories instead. For example, be proud of yourself that you made it [X] days without relapsing. Then, if you relapse, set a new goal for yourself to beat your record by 1 day. Then another day. And another. Also, beauty is subjective. Just because you hate yourself doesn’t mean that someone else can’t see you as the most amazing-looking human being ever. You are beautiful just the way you are.
thank you so much for that.