Again sorry posting about, but still having intense emotions about my music project bittersweet memory.
I felt like an outsider all my life for me being dyslexic/ autistic, like don’t belong in any group. That I’m only there to be use by people or treat like a doormat. Even metal/punk/ skate scene I still was somewhat of an outcast, not fit in to any group. Not dating girls in those group and felt hated or treat different by anyone. I feel should belong with these people, but overall they still people with judgements and cliches.
However, in my therapy sessions we talk how I make up these stories in my head. Like I’m outcast of the outcast and fighting against the world. To honest I love telling that story , cuase make feel I don’t have face rejection. Sometime I get some validation and feel like I’m doing something right.( sorry I’m not making sense in writing). But feel I believe these stories to be real, to point where I’m not living in the real world. Where I might have friends, not everyone hate me or my music. They just making up to protect my ego and my worth.
My ego is a fucking cunt, i never get enough validation and if anyone make one bad comment. I want to destroy them and just degrade I’m worst way possible. Cuase how dare they don’t like my stuff.
This battle between rational mind and emotions is happening every single since start being in bands. I had bandmates saying I was never good enough and stand on stage give them the finger and say look at me now you fools, I prove you wrong.
I wish more like humble person, that was not control by thier ego.