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Belongs to: Therapist Fades to Black | Metallica
eh…I don’t have suicidal ideation, but I wish I wasn’t here anymore. I pray for death and am disappointed when I wake up in the morning. I have gotten to the point where that God wants me to suffer. I’ve started talking to a counsellor but my depression score is still around 22. Started at 27…so I guess baby steps. She keeps trying to show me coping skills, but I think I am so far gone that I don’t feel like anything will change this. I have been betrayed and turned on by the people I held in really high regard. I was made into a monster for so long that I feel like I have become one.
Hey, thank you so much for opening up and bearing your heart to us. It can be so hard to be transparent, but it takes strength and I commend you for doing so.
Lasting depression is draining in every sense. Physically, emotionally, mentally- completely draining. We hold on to hope every day that we will come out the other side and that our sun will begin to rise but sometimes the hope can wear thin and instead of waiting for the sunrise, we wish that it would all end right now, in the dark. It feels worse to spend another second in the dark than to just let it all end right now.
I want to highlight something incredible that you said. “Baby steps”. In the same way that the sun doesn’t turn on like a light switch, depression isn’t beaten in an instant. It takes time and perseverance. In the same way that the night sky slowly turns from dark black to a deep blue, into a lavender haze and eventually into a jaw-dropping sunset, so will your mental state. I believe that you are just at the cusp of your night sky turning deep blue and that real transformation is on the horizon. The work you are doing with your therapist cannot be understated and it is so incredible that you have dropped from a 27 to a 22. That is serious, tangible improvement that you should be proud of. I am proud of you for fighting for that change.
Holdfast in this period of struggle. In the midst of heartache and trials and we can lose sight of the rising sun in our future, but know that it is coming. Your life was not meant for suffering. God did not put you on this planet to suffer. You have purpose, you have meaning, and you have worth, and I pray that you stick around to show the world what a wonderfully unique and beautiful person you are.
Your sunrise is coming. Enjoy every phase of the night fading away and congratulate yourself for each small victory. You deserve to celebrate the win. You deserve love and an end to your suffering, and it is coming. We are here for you if you ever need to speak more. All the love.