hey, French person here, sorry for my English if I do not express myself clear enough.
I’m just sitting here on my bed next to the bedside lamp that I bought yesterday, hoping it would make me feel a little better and make me motivated enough to start working on some projects that I have (building a complete fantasy world for a novel, and learning German.). I currently feel a deep feeling of uselessness, sadness and emptiness that are overwhelming me. I can’t bring myself to work. My german skills are honestly pretty good, but I stopped learning it one year ago because of my crippling depression and I don’t know where to start again, and I’m not motivated enough anyway. I feel like I should because otherwise I just feel terribly useless and bad and dumb but I can’t start again, it’s too hard for me to work. Can’t bring myself to read either. I usually read a lot of books but I stopped 2 weeks ago, got tired of reading.
Today I was messaging this girl that I’m in love with, we were friends at school but we were separated after I had to break away from school months ago. We still talk from time to time on the Internet, though. I always had this feeling that I was bothering her, even at school. We were always the two shy persons away from the rest of the class. I still feel like I bother her though, on the Internet. I’m always the one messaging her first, and I know she’s shy and all but still it pains me a lot. She always replies to my messages though and we have fun discussions. But this whole situation is just depressing and I can’t stop thinking about her, I have pretty much nothing else to think about. I did nothing today, except cleaning a little bit my flat. Woke up at 10am and got out of bed at 1pm. I’m working in an organisation but I’m in holidays right now, I will explain that later on in my message.
I’m in depression since 2019, my parents know about that and they try to do as much as they can and I know they love me even though they were really bad parents. I like them but I also kinda feel resentful for all the things they did to me. They also did a lot for me, but despite that I still feel awkward around them and it makes me feel guilty.
I’ve been talking about this with a psychologist for a few months but I honestly feel that this is useless, I also take antidepressants but ehh I still feel depressed anyway.
I have many great friends that I love, but we are all growing up now and I see them less and less, I talk to them less and less and it pains me a lot too, because I already feel lonely enough and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make friends like them again. I celebrated the new year with some of them though, it felt good seeing them again. As I said they’re all growing up, studying at school and all. They’re all doing activities and they’re all so intelligent while I feel empty and I feel like my whole life stopped abruptly when I left school. They’re all evolving while I’m just staying the same guy. I’m stagnating. I feel so dumb when I see them.
When I stopped school I started working somewhere else to gain some money and to become less shy and more open to other people. I work in an organisation that helps refugees and I’ve met many wonderful people there but it’s very stressful and I always feel like I’m not good enough. My fixed-term contract ends this month, I don’t know where I will go after that. I have to wait until september to start school again, so I’ll have to find something else to do between january and september 2023
honestly my life is a mess and I feel like nothing is going well as of now.