Ehh tired

[somerandomusername]

hey, French person here, sorry for my English if I do not express myself clear enough.

I’m just sitting here on my bed next to the bedside lamp that I bought yesterday, hoping it would make me feel a little better and make me motivated enough to start working on some projects that I have (building a complete fantasy world for a novel, and learning German.). I currently feel a deep feeling of uselessness, sadness and emptiness that are overwhelming me. I can’t bring myself to work. My german skills are honestly pretty good, but I stopped learning it one year ago because of my crippling depression and I don’t know where to start again, and I’m not motivated enough anyway. I feel like I should because otherwise I just feel terribly useless and bad and dumb but I can’t start again, it’s too hard for me to work. Can’t bring myself to read either. I usually read a lot of books but I stopped 2 weeks ago, got tired of reading.
Today I was messaging this girl that I’m in love with, we were friends at school but we were separated after I had to break away from school months ago. We still talk from time to time on the Internet, though. I always had this feeling that I was bothering her, even at school. We were always the two shy persons away from the rest of the class. I still feel like I bother her though, on the Internet. I’m always the one messaging her first, and I know she’s shy and all but still it pains me a lot. She always replies to my messages though and we have fun discussions. But this whole situation is just depressing and I can’t stop thinking about her, I have pretty much nothing else to think about. I did nothing today, except cleaning a little bit my flat. Woke up at 10am and got out of bed at 1pm. I’m working in an organisation but I’m in holidays right now, I will explain that later on in my message.
I’m in depression since 2019, my parents know about that and they try to do as much as they can and I know they love me even though they were really bad parents. I like them but I also kinda feel resentful for all the things they did to me. They also did a lot for me, but despite that I still feel awkward around them and it makes me feel guilty.
I’ve been talking about this with a psychologist for a few months but I honestly feel that this is useless, I also take antidepressants but ehh I still feel depressed anyway.
I have many great friends that I love, but we are all growing up now and I see them less and less, I talk to them less and less and it pains me a lot too, because I already feel lonely enough and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make friends like them again. I celebrated the new year with some of them though, it felt good seeing them again. As I said they’re all growing up, studying at school and all. They’re all doing activities and they’re all so intelligent while I feel empty and I feel like my whole life stopped abruptly when I left school. They’re all evolving while I’m just staying the same guy. I’m stagnating. I feel so dumb when I see them.
When I stopped school I started working somewhere else to gain some money and to become less shy and more open to other people. I work in an organisation that helps refugees and I’ve met many wonderful people there but it’s very stressful and I always feel like I’m not good enough. My fixed-term contract ends this month, I don’t know where I will go after that. I have to wait until september to start school again, so I’ll have to find something else to do between january and september 2023

honestly my life is a mess and I feel like nothing is going well as of now.

[eagertuna0]

Hi Hugo,

I’m glad that you’re reaching out. You have a lot on your plate, between expecting yourself to continue learning, interpersonal worries, and work-related stressors. That’s a lot for any one person to handle and I feel for you.

While it sounds like you feel unaccomplished at the moment, I actually see many accomplishments in your message. You have a job, are studying in school, frequently read, and are an avid language learner—all while only 20ish years old (estimating from your last post). I understand how it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like we “aren’t enough”, are lacking, or are falling behind our peers, and I really do feel for you. However, I hope that you’re able to eventually recognize that you are enough, because you are enough regardless of if you’re reading or learning a language.

It’s also okay to be tired of something. Being tired/bored of reading is perfectly normal if you read a lot, and, while frustrating, this doesn’t detract from your value as an individual.

I’d also like to address some of your interpersonal concerns. Similarly to your stressors around motivation, I understand these as they are such common worries/insecurities. These feelings can be so tough to handle. With that said, initiating contact doesn’t make you a bad friend. I’ve been on both sides of my friendships, sometimes taking an initiating role and sometimes taking a more passive role, waiting for others to initiate. Neither is better or worse. Simply put, people have their own ways of interacting with others and there is no “right” way. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, as long as both of you enjoy chatting with each other (and it certainly sounds like you do). You’re not a bother.

Again, I really feel for you and hope that you are able to find a job that works out once your contract ends. You have a lot on your plate and I hope that sharing helped a bit. Please don’t hesitate to come back if anything further is on your mind; we’re here for you.

<3 Tuna

P.S. Your English is perfect; if you didn’t say anything, I would assume that you’re a native, fluent speaker. Great job on that!

[Krym]

Bonjour Hugo,
(Premièrement- Désolé pour mon mauvais français, mais je trouve que parler aux autres dans leur langue maternelle est réconfortant)

Je sais exactement ce que tu ressens. Sincèrement. Envisagez de lui demander si elle pense que vous dérangez, mais je peux vous assurer que ce n’est pas le cas. Je sais que parfois, c’est comme ça - qu’ils ne répondent pas rapidement, qu’ils n’envoient pas le premier message ou que vous vous sentiez simplement ennuyeux, ce n’est pas vrai. Il y a toujours deux versions à chaque histoire. Peut-être qu’elle était occupée avec sa famille à l’époque, ou peut-être qu’elle ressent la même chose que vous - comme un dérangement. Peut-être qu’elle n’envoie pas le premier message parce qu’elle a aussi peur de déranger. Le meilleur conseil que je puisse donner ? Parlez-en. Exprimez vos préoccupations et obtenez son opinion honnête. Sinon, vous pourriez vous retrouver à nouveau assis avec votre nouvel ami de la lampe - sans offenser la lampe, bien sûr.

C’est incroyable que vous travailliez pour aider les réfugiés ! Cependant, ce n’est pas si génial que vous vous sentiez comme ça. Si vous avez l’impression d’être inutile, vous ne l’êtes pas. Rien qu’en étant là, vous contribuez à apporter tant d’espoir et de joie à tant de gens, même si vous ne le savez pas.

I wish you best of luck with the job hunt. I believe in you!

Krymmenos

[lunxaire]

Hi friend,

It sounds like you’re suffering from a big case of burnout with so many projects you’re trying to do all at once. I would suggest coming up with a planner of some sort and jotting down one project with a rough draft, and then possibly an indepth draft, before trying to start another one. As for learning German, they say that once you hit past 15, it is extremely hard to retain learning another language-- so it’s normal that you forgot it, especially since you have a knack for English already.

I don’t feel that you bother her. Sometimes people can’t start a conversation, but it’s glad to hear that she still responds to your guys’ conversations. I feel like, regardless if you end up together or not, you two are still extremely close, and sometimes that’s an even better bond.

Good job cleaning up your flat! That’s still progress, but please don’t feel like you have to be productive in a work sense very day. You still should rest and relax, because you’re already extremely burnt out and stressed-- that’s enough to leave anyone exhausted.

@somerandomusername

I’m in depression since 2019, my parents know about that and they try to do as much as they can and I know they love me even though they were really bad parents. I like them but I also kinda feel resentful for all the things they did to me. They also did a lot for me, but despite that I still feel awkward around them and it makes me feel guilty.

This sounds like trauma, and I do believe it’s something that should be worked out with your psychologist. I can give you resources on trauma if you would like. It might be a good idea to talk out other antidepressants and/or treatment options if you’re feeling little to no improvement.

I feel tuna said it best with your work situation, but I suggest following into finding discord servers with similar interests to what you share? I know you’re shy, but maybe you can find a small one using https://disboard.org/ !

Alas, that’s all I can think of at the moment. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to relax.

[Solemnis]

Hi there, welcome back! It seems like you have a lot going on, so let me go through it slowly and try to contribute something useful.
Building a complete fantasy world and learning a new language at the same time are huge projects. It’s great to hear that you are creative and have so many ideas. Since I am German myself I know how difficult the language is. Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t come easily, even many Germans have problems with the German grammar. If you want to start again I would just start at the beginning to refresh everything. You don’t need to work through it as thoroughly as the first time, but a quick look at old materials to refresh all your basics is a good idea if you’ve been away from it for a while.
I understand how you feel, but you are not useless at all. You don’t need to be productive or useful to earn your right to exist and be happy as a human being. During phases of depressions even the smallest things can be incredibly overwhelming, I get that. Maybe this is not the time to start so many new projects all at once. It’s understandable that you lost your passions, like reading for example, depressions do that to you. But it will come back when you get better. And it will get better. It might take a little bit of time and patience, but you will find your way out of this darkness.
I also understand how it is to be extremely shy and introvert. I’m glad you found somebody to talk to and whose company you enjoy. It is really tough initiating conversations as a shy person, and worrying about being an inconvenience. Maybe she is more shy than you and just has a hard time starting to connect. What I’m reading though is that she always replies and you two have have fun conversations together. That doesn’t sound to me like you’re bothering her. Try to enjoy this connection you have with her.
I have to say when you are depressed just getting out of bed can be a huge accomplishment, cleaning the flat is extraordinary. I’m not exaggerating. Be proud and try to reward yourself for every little thing you manage to do.
If you feel like your therapy is going nowhere you should mention that to your therapist. Open and honest communication is the key to therapy, maybe you two can take the course of the therapy into a new more helpful direction that works better for you. It’s definitely worth asking and mentioning! Antidepressant might take a few weeks/months to take full effect, and finding the right one in the correct dosage can be a bit trial and error. Be patient with yourself, and know that suffering from depressions is not your fault. You can be helped and it will get better. If you feel like your medication is not doing enough you should talk to your doctor about changing the dosage/medication until you’ve found one that works for you. Don’t give up on yourself! Is it possible for you not to work until September and fully focus on your mental health in the mean time? Really taking the time to care for yourself can make all the difference.
Two more things I want to mention. In my experience it doesn’t really help if you compare yourself to others, your friends and school mates for example, it will just make you more unhappy. They might be further ahead in their education, but they also are not going through the same thing as you are. They might have problems you don’t see and don’t know about, even if their lives look more positive to you.
I also understand that family relations can be tricky, especially with parents, and when you feel like they didn’t treat you well in the past. I don’t really have any good advice. I know forgiving can be hard, but it can also free you from bitterness. Maybe try to make the best out of the situation.