Elusive and invasive

i don’t know what would even make me happy anymore. i used to have something in mind that would make me happy if i could just get it, but… i got it but it was too late. i feel like nothing could help me anymore. the thing that i had wanted previously was just one person to love or care about me. my friend said they loved me and wanted me to be happy but i just can’t feel that. i’ve tried convincing myself of it for hours and it just doesn’t help. nothing helps anymore. all i can do now is distract myself so i don’t feel like shit and think about killing myself. doesn’t seem to be working very well if i’m here again though. i don’t know what to do. same issues everyday but sometimes it’s issues that i don’t even feel are real because what am i even sad over? i’m just sad. i used to never understand how people would say that money or things doesn’t just make you happy. i always thought if you had at least some stuff that you desired, it wouldn’t be an issue. i’m not rich by any means but i am getting something i’ve wanted for a long time and it just doesn’t help either. all of these big emotions i hyped up but they’re all so disappointing. everything is just so disappointing. i feel ignored, hated, and outcast. every word i say just seems to bring myself more pain. did i fuck up? are they going to hate me? do they talk to me out of pity? i don’t know any of these answers. i guess nobody really knows them unless they ask. but even when you ask, would they tell you the truth? i feel like i’m lied to. i feel like nobody wants to talk to me besides when they’re bored or, like i said, out of pity. i hate it. i just want to be alone. i feel like i bring the mood down with everyone i talk to without even trying. i don’t even mention anything depressing. i just feel like i’m so useless and annoying. i feel like i’m going numb again. it happened last year too. i was extremely suicidal for awhile then i just went completely numb. it sucked but i guess it also felt good… i don’t know what i’m writing anymore. just whatever comes to my mind is here i guess. idk. i don’t want to live but everyone on here is telling me to. though i guess i wouldn’t expect less from a support website… sorry for my troubles with this uselessly long paragraph i guess


Everything that you are saying about yourself is what think about me too. I understand that it’s hard to really believe this but people do care. I know that it probably doesn’t mean a lot to you or if it does you can’t believe it but it’s true. But it is and hey I care. I know other people will care. Maybe try talking to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ they have helped me.

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Hey @echo

No matter what, we are always thankful to have you here and voicing your struggles. You are in good company here. Many of us here including myself know what it is to feel sad yet not necessarily be able to put a finger on the cause. With depression, sadness, lost of interest and an overall low or even numb feeling are extremely common. It can also cause us to overthink and become anxious as well like you mentioned about questioning whether people really care or if it is just out of pity. It even goes so far as to change the lens we view ourselves through and make us feel like we are just a dark cloud bringing everyone we are around down.

However, it just isn’t true. The nature of depression is that it makes us overthink and takes our joy and wants to keep us stuck in that cycle. I can confidently say that you are not useless or annoying. With so many thoughts telling you you aren’t worth the time, energy or effort, I can see how being alone would seem like the better option, but it is so very important to stay in communication with people whether that is with your friends or here on the support wall. I also think it is important to keep in mind that people really value their time. So if they didn’t want to talk to you, they wouldn’t make the time to do so. So the fact that they are is a wonderful indicator that they are doing so out of care and genuineness!

Thank you again for sharing this with us. No paragraph you post could be too long nor do you need to apologize for your troubles. We are here to listen and support you as best we can through the highs and the lows. Your experiences and struggles matter my friend.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

I know. I want to hug you.

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