Warning this is about sex! So it’s been a minute since I’ve experienced things sexually…my last boyfriend was considered abusive so I’ve been taking time to get over him. He was the man I really first gave myself to sexually so its been a hard tie to cut.
Then a friend I haven’t talked to in months started talking to me again. He’s going through some things so we’ve been talking them through and catching up. We always had a weird relationship cause we could talk about everything …right down to casual conversations about sex. He knew I was new to a lot of things so I’d ask questions and we’d talk about it. We also had a bit of an attraction for each other but never really did much about it.
Recently we started talking about our fantasies and we both matched up in him being dominant (I won’t get too detailed with this lol). He’s in charge but he says he also always wants to make sure I’m taken care of.
But certain things have been hitting me weird. My ex used to accuse me of being a slut …which wasn’t true. But the thought of getting dirty is starting to cause me to panic…even if I want it. I’m feeling overwhelmed. My friend sent me some porn to watch since I haven’t really watched much and I hated it. I went into full panic attack mode. I feel so many old feelings and I was grossed out. I don’t feel like that’s normal. I’m realizing I don’t know a lot even after being with someone for a year and a half. Now I’m in a space of missing my ex who caused so much pain…lied…cheated…took his anger out on me. I just feel alone.
Sex feels like so much pressure…it’s freaking me out. I’m so embarrassed I told my friend “nope can’t do it”…I’m tempted to cut him off.