Is your relationship with God fueled by a fear of hell, or by his love?
None of them. I believe in an afterlife and in a judgment for what was done during our time on Earth, but I don’t believe in hell and heaven as some kind of eternal and located places. Living for the perspective of a reward and/or in fear of eternal punishment goes against our duty to better ourselves, to seek growth and just living a righteous life during the time given to us.
At this time of my life my relationship with God is like the one of two strangers who have yet to meet each other. I never felt his love, but I’ve seen myself being slowly more curious and willing to open my heart to Him. At this point it just feels very insecure, so I’m not trying to force anything.
Does your spiritual environment focus more on God’s wrath or on his love?
My spiritual environment is not really existent as I grew up in places and environments that were mostly agnostics or atheists, or Catholics by tradition and not faith. Spirituality though always held a place in my heart, but I’ve always been scared to let it be.
Part of me was more focused on God’s wrath, even if I’m full of contradictions and trying to figure this out. I believe God allowed awful things to happen to me and for that I feel a lot of resentment. I also refuse to hear that it would have a purpose. That doesn’t make any sense to me and doesn’t fit with my vision of God. However a huge part of me doesn’t believe in God’s intervention in human’s life. I don’t believe in predestination and, instead, I strongly believe in moral responsibility. I believe we have the world we deserve and it’s up to us to make it a better place as He wanted.
On the other hand, I tend to pray God for people I love and care about as if it was heard, as if He could do something about it. It’s like two opposite sides of the same piece and I’m trying to be at peace with the fact that both make sense to me, even if they don’t as a larger system. Overall, I aspire to focus my spiritual environment on His love and only this. But for some of us, this love can be painful. It takes time to welcome it with open arms.
How can you surround yourself with a community that spurs you on to be complete in love?
I see God’s love through the heart of many people here at HeartSupport, a lot more than any other place I’ve known before. However, I don’t actively look after a religious community. I identify myself as a newborn when it comes to Christianity, and this journey needs to be personal/intimate. At best, I’d look after others’ experiences as an inspiration and a way to reflect on my own, but I don’t want to be part of a community that would tell me what to think, feel or believe in, which is what happens in too many places.