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Emotionally in Pain

Earlier tonight I had a long discussion with my mom about being on things other than my homework and had a big breakdown and cried for hours. I still feel like I want to cry and it’s hard to hold it back. I had thoughts of cutting or suicide many times in my life and was able to stop those thoughts, but during this breakdown I was feeling like cutting, and even though I didn’t, I wasn’t able to stop the feeling and I’m still feeling like doing it. I’m trying my best to keep away from cutting, but I need more help and support to keep myself from cutting and suicide.

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I went through something very similar. In my case though, I WAS cutting and I attempted several times. I know it sends bad images to your head so if you want to skip this next paragraph, that’s fine.

I had moments when I’d pour a bath and get in and I’d have a hair dryer or a straightener there and I was going to electrocute myself. There were moments when I took a knife and I cut a line on my hand and then traced over it again and again until I had blood pouring down my entire arm. I have scars left on my thigh from where I cut every time I was hurt. I have pushed knives against my neck countless times and have lost more blood by my own will than from being a reckless child. I’d stay awake at night and I’d hallucinate. My body was emotionally dead and the physical harm, I used to numb my internal pain. The cuts would sting and I’d promise myself that I wouldn’t do it anymore, but then I got hurt again and I would take the same razor and trace deeper into the scar.

From my experience, all I can say is, PLEASE dont do it. You will regret it so much. Seeing the scars only reminds you of that dark place and makes you remember how it numbed the emotional pain. You are tempted to do it again and you can never really escape that. You are perfect the way you are. There is no reason to harm yourself because the devil is urging you to do so. When you overcome this tough battle, you will be so glad that you stood strong and came out without battle scars. It shows how strong you are. For even getting through so much and not having done it, I respect the fuck out of you. Please seek help and dont stop fighting until you have won. Take my word for it, IT IS NOT WORTH IT. It doesn’t benefit anyone. It hurts you more. FIGHT. Stay strong. Please do not give in. Please. If you ever have those urges, I am always willing to listen and try to help you or talk you through it.

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:’) Thanks. Reading what you’ve wrote makes me see that I’m truly loved and cared for. I’ll continue to fight, I’ll continue to stay strong, I’ll fight for what I believe and I believe I can be who God created me to be. Thank you again for these strong words and for sharing your story. I may still have thoughts of cutting, but I promise I’ll push past them and fight against it. If I need help, I’ll make sure to come here for it because I see HeartSupport Wall has people who care about me and others. I can’t say thank you enough.

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I am ALWAYS here to support you and to help you. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that you WILL fight and that you will overcome this. It makes me so happy! I promise it will be worth it in the end. You are so loved and cared for. @alexgamer_hameowlton

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