i’m usually good at keeping my mouth shut and hiding anger or sadness. but lately anger has been boiling up until i literally scream. witch has only made me worse. i’m always trying not to cut myself, but currently i am SO close to stabbing my wrists. iv’e only been doing school work, that just stresses me because i do work day and night. so nothing to prevent me from harming myself badly. my mother is only making it worse! she just yells at me and tells me to shut up, when i barely talk! then she threatens to hit, punch and beat me. in witch she does. i can never tell when she means it an when she is joking. i’m scared of her, and i have nothing good happening right now. so why not just die. i’m tired of being imperfect, worthless, and trash. i just want to leave forever.
Hey @onlyhuman
It sounds like you have finally hit a breaking/boiling point with internalizing your emotions over all this time, which must be entirely frustrating. If anger is the biggest emotion you are feeling currently and school work is fueling the stress, you need a safe healthy break.
The way you explain your interactions with your mother breaks my heart cause no person should have to question whether or not they feel safe or secure around a parental figure.
Has anyone else in your friend group or family experienced the same treatment from your mother or noticed her interactions with you?
Keep holding strong friend for you are loved and seen
EF
Hi there!
I am so glad that you decided to open up with us! Is not easy at all so thank you.
It isnt easy to control the wanting to cut, so I am proud of you for trying to control that feeling and my advice would be that when you are about to cut yourself, think about somenthing that you like, maybe a song or somenthing like that, I think that it can help you to forget even for a moment those feelings.
I am not an expert or anything like that but I can say that the way that your mom that is treating you is not normal and if you have someone around you, my advice would be to ask the one that are around you help. Remember your safety and well being comes first always. So stay safe, if the situation keep going please dont keep silent, seek help!
I am glad that you have share your story with us!
I know that isnt easy but keep being going, dont give up in life and in you !
Hey @onlyhuman,
You are not worthless and trash. But it seems that the situation with your mom makes you feel like you are. There’s a lot of intense emotions there, and how you feel given the circumstances is absolutely valid. I hear you. It’s not fair to be in this position of being afraid of your mom and having so much anger boiling up. I hope that screaming helps sometimes - it’s still a good and non-harmful way to release this energy you have inside.
Being scared of your mom sounds to be a red flag. She doesn’t have the right to threatens you as she does and you don’t deserve to live in fear. Is there any place where you could go? (family members, friends…) Or someone in your relatives who could help you in this situation?
If that’s okay for you, it would be great to hear some updates and know how you’re doing since you posted. You’re not alone. And you are loved. 
yes they notice, in a way. but they really don’t care. and i lost all my friends so… and my family get treated WAY better than me. my sister is the “good” child, i’m the “bad” one. and then my mother tries to be nice… than back to her mean version of herself. she also knows that i’m “depressed” she never cares. and my sis is the same.
all the songs are triggers, either too happy, or too sad. and i have no-one to tell about my mom. but some songs that have been recommended for me by others lowers how bad the cuts are. 
i lost my friends. and screaming just refills my anger with sadness.
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