I want to be excited about things. I want to be able to feel something deeper than surface excitement when I do things. I want to feel it in my soul, not just on my skin. I know it may seem like I feel it in my soul, I normally do, but lately I haven’t been. I’ve been enjoying it, yes, but it hasn’t been as enriching as it normally it. Nothing has been. Not theatre, not choir, not hanging out with friends, nothing has felt the same lately. And I’ll be honest, I’ve really thought about taking long walks and just not coming back. It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. The thought trains of those long walks and what I could do on them keep me up at night. I think about them in details that I guess I shouldn’t. Is it bad to say that I long for those walks? I yearn for the day when I actually do it. Whether I come back from it is something that can’t be determined at this point. I just want to be steady, but that seems impossible at this point. I’m sorry this post is so short, but I don’t know what to say. I know I need to get things off I chest, but I don’t know what.
In Australia, there’s talk about “walkabouts,” where someone will just wander without a destination or deadline. I’ve wanted to do something similar, but in my case it’d be more like a “flyabout,” driveabout, or maybe even hideabout. Sometimes we feel things in the soul when they’ve been absent for a while.
Such feelings often indicate a need for a change in either perspective or circumstances, or perhaps both. That doesn’t mean everything needs to change, but maybe just one thing. In your situation, it sounds like a generalized malaise. Sometimes such feelings occur as a precursor to a significant growth in awareness or wisdom.
Long walks, bike rides, or other kinds of exercise that can be accomplished while allowing thoughts to flow freely, can be incredibly therapeutic. I walk miles every week. That’s when I do my best thinking. Such exercise usually has an antidepressant effect as well. Mood cycles are natural, and exercise can help to reduce the downturns.
Feeling empty isn’t the same as being empty. It’s a natural evolution of the soul to desire more meaning in life. That desire may feel like emptiness, but it’s more likely coming from a full heart that’s seeking even greater fulfillment. It’s not always, or perhaps even often that such fulfillment comes from doing something noteworthy. It can be accomplished by doing very ordinary things in a more extraordinary way. I found it meaningful to add a bit more quality or effort than absolutely necessary in my work. In a sense, any work you do can be an expression of art, whether it’s cleaning toilets or composing a symphony.
The truth is, if you were actually empty, you wouldn’t feel it. Think about the compassion and empathy you feel toward others. It’s impossible for that to come from a place of emptiness.
It may also be a case of finding balance. All play and no work, or all work and no play can leave a person feeling as though something is missing.
Getting things off your chest can free your mind to address other issues. I don’t think there’s a better place than right here to do it. Once talked about, the things that weigh heavily on us usually seem much lighter.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We’re here for you.
It is such a struggle to know there’s something wrong but without any idea what that could be.
I’ll share some thoughts that came up reading your post and the tags, maybe something resonates with you, maybe not. It surely isn’t exhaustive, so even in the latter case there is hope. You definitely will be able to find out what’s going on and improve your situation.
You write about lacking a deeper sense of fulfillment, about not knowing, and about loneliness. These might be indicators that you’re not connected to your Self that would guide you as your compass. Everyone’s story is different, so I can just speak for myself. In my case that is related to childhood trauma. Trauma generally leads to a disconnect, making you feel lost and not knowing what’s going on. May there be things from the past that would be worth looking into, if you haven’t done so yet?
A depressive mindset and suicidal thoughts may come from walking down a path that isn’t for us. The way we’ve been doing things, maybe even living our life generally, isn’t aligned with our true Self, which causes the suffering. We feel stuck because that road is a dead end. If possible, try to take on the role of an observer and look at your life from an outside perspective. Does anything come to mind? Is there something that doesn’t feel right for you?
I’ve seen in your profile that you’re attending college. Is this a similar experience as for your hobbies (lack of fulfillment)? Do you cope well with the amount of work or are you at your limits?
Do you have enough time for yourself to relax, not doing anything? Could it be that your energies need to be recharged? Maybe a couple of hours, a day, a weekend, just for yourself, maybe some journaling to get your thoughts out of your head, maybe spending some time in nature and/or drawing as Wings suggested?
It will get better, maybe not within a couple of hours, but it is worth addressing what’s going on. I totally agree with Wings that there is so much potential of growth in your situation. Not knowing is okay. It won’t be like this forever. It is difficult and scary, but it is okay. Don’t beat yourself up for it.
You’re loved and you matter. Thank you for sharing your story with us. 
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