Empty tw involves cutting and suicide

everythings feels like its in black and white. no color no joy lol. This has never happened at this level. ive lost interest in everything i love. i dont find it interesting nor do the things that made me happy make me happy anymore. even talking with people i have grown to love doesnt help. i ignore them and try to avoid conversation. emotionally i just dont feel much anymore. i’ve been suicidal on and off. i guess thats what happens when nothing interests you anymore and you cant find anything to cling to. im not sure what this is. im used to feeling overly strong emotions not this. its like being in a dark room. i feel like its never going to end. i dont know if this is from grief or what but i hate it. i started cutting again hoping it would snap me out of this funk in the end i just went deeper into it and savoured the pain bc at least it was something not nothing. sounds so cliche. at this point i dont care really. i barely can get out of bed in the mornings i just want to go back to sleep and hide in a deep hole. i tried talking to my friends lol i ended up snapping at them. i just want quiet. everyone has too much energy these days. i left almost all the servers on discord, i left my class chats everything. i got added back to a few. i dont like them. i just dont understand how people can be so happy. i wanna go back to normal this sorta numb doesnt cut it. i had trouble finding good crisis resources so i just sit with my parents. how do they not ever notice that im like this. i notice when my stepmom gets depressed for weeks on end and i tried to help. i sometimes wonder if it would help more if i wasnt there or didnt exist. lucky for them if i did not exist my sister would curse me. i couldnt leave her alone in this shit world. i couldnt leave any of my sisters alone. im scared. im scared that if i stay like this i will forget i promised to stay alive for my sisters. what if i get so upset one night and i lose my shit and kms. what happens if i become so selfish. im scared for what will happen this year. jayjay would be so dissapointed in me. i dont know how long i can keep this up. im just scared i guess scared i will lose it one day and nobody will notice im gone. maybe my parents would forget about me i dont know. hopefully i get my meds soon and maybe they will help. :slightly_smiling_face:

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I’m glad you decided to post and didn’t leave HeartSupport!! I agree, hopefully you can be back on your medicine too!! Have you been seeing a therapist? I know its an annoying common question that I may or may not have asked before but I’d suggest trying to see one. Here is a big fat list of things to do instead of self harming and when you feel down. Hopefully one of these will help you as well. There is also a link on how to treat your self harm injuries there as well. I know it can be very hard to stop once you start again, but please treat your cuts so they don’t get infected! I’m not sure if you hide them (I did) but you will still want them to be clean, okay?

Here are some wise words from a celebrity I really like and he did it in English for his fans:


And I wholeheartedly agree with what he says. Everyone is NOT happy. They are just good at pretending. People also only tend to post/share happy things on social media and in chats and leave out the bad things.

Take care of yourself please and know people DO feel the same way as you and you are NOT alone.

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thank you for the resource. i will be sure to keep the cuts uninfected. i appreciate the worries :black_heart:

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I guess thats what happens when nothing interests you anymore and you cant find anything to cling to.

Yes, friend. That’s how it feels. And I’m so very sorry that you’ve been feeling all of this lately. As you said, and as you know too well already, your heart is grieving. Your reality, your world has changed in a brutal way. It washes away a lot of your certainties, expectations, a lot of the things that made you feel like walking on a solid ground until know. As you said it’s like being in this dark room with no espace door, no landmark, nothing familiar but deep numbness and vulnerability. You are not weird for feeling all of this. And you are inherently human for looking after a way to cope, to feel something, even when that something is pain.

You have the right to rest, to take your time, to feel all the emotions that are showing up. But I hope and want to encourage you to keep at least a bit of connection with your friends, with this community - overall with people and places where you can be understood, where you won’t have to explain or justify yourself over and over. It’s okay not to be okay, especially right now. Your emotions certainly feel like a huge wave you can’t control, a wave that’s constantly changing, but this intensity will lessen progressively. Know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide. And if you don’t really have a place where you can be yourself these days, you always have this community right here.

It won’t stay like this forever, friend. And as I hear that you’re getting help and receiving meds, I hope this will be a crutch for you in times to come, with all my heart. You deserve rest and peace. Quiet times during a very noisy and intense season, emotionally speaking. But when those emotions and voices are too loud, please keep in mind that you are not alone and you always belong. You are loved. You are needed in this world. Keep taking care of yourself and reaching out. :heart:

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