Break down after breakdown after breakdown. Why Is doing my passion now turning into my deathbed? Yeah, I get I suffer from MDD and intrusive thoughts but surely they aren’t that effective in the long term. Esports isn’t helping either. Online hate after hate after hate. Insults on why I don’t have a family, why I don’t end it already, and insults about my dead best friend. It’s getting to the point now I will and won’t hesitate to do something seriously stupid… Or smart.
Tomorrow or this week I have to make 1 of the biggest decisions on if I should retire from racing… This will affect me so so very much from a financial side and career way. It’s a good idea for my health after what happened yesterday. But what if I recover and I’m left with literally 0 paths in life. All is esports which still I am very lucky to be doing but will it be long-term? Most likely not.
Yes I did get to the hospital for mental treatment but that doesn’t really mean I won stop being depressed. Even though I did it no way I’m doing it again. I do sometimes think it’s the last night but unfortunately, it isn’t.
Hi Aces.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Racing is a dangerous sport. Many racers died and even the greatest ones like Niki Lauda were injured several times. I know on one hand you feel blessed doing something you love and on the other it feels like a deathbed. I dont know what is the right choice here. I know which one is the safer one but in these situations it is always a tough call. What I do know is that you should not make any rash decisions. Think about it and take your time.
Yeah the gaming community is toxic no doubt about that. I dont watch e-sports and I just didnt see the appeal. I am pissed of at the gaming comunity for many reasons, which i wount state here because it would turn into a long rant but bullying and toxicity are definitely one of them. I completely understand why you feel like e-sports are toxic because they are and not even in the big leagues. E-sports and competitive gaming have created some of the most toxic gaming communities like League of Legends or Counter Strike. It almost begs the question if it goes against the nature of gaming, making games less fun and feel more like work.
You are right. Just because you were in a hospital doesnt mean your MDD is gone. Its not. And you need to take care of your mental health so you wount get in that bad place you were a few weeks ago. We only have one health and wee need to protect it. I completely understand you feel like racing is damaging your health but it is important to think about it. Do you really want to quit. Is there an alternative? Tbh I know almost nothing about racing, just a few things so i cant give you any advice there. I hope you will make the right choice in the end, one that will make you happier. Hang in there Aces, we are here for you friend
I’m sorry that you have to face those questions and decisions right now, although I’m so very proud of you for even considering it. We all know here how much driving/races are a passion for you that you hold dearly in your heart. On the other hand though, there is your health and safety at play. I remember that, not so long ago, you’ve mentioned on Dan’s stream that these intrusive thoughts - and pushing your limits more and more through racing - were also part of your suicidal ideation. somehow, your passion has become the object of something unhealthy, and you deserve both 1/to be safe/heal at your own pace from what you struggle with, 2/ embrace your passion in a way that would be healthy because you would have the right mindset for it.
I know it will probably be frustrating to hear this, but you are young, and decisions you make right now are not going to define the rest of your life. Yes, this may have an impact on your performance and future career, but if you’re not around anymore because of a limit that would have been pushed too much, because of a risk taken that would too far, then you would not be around to experience racing at all anymore. We want you to be healthy, safe and thriving.
Growth can only happen with you, with safety - it is a requirement for your future that cannot be gambled with. We will be there through these decisions to support you, but also to always encourage you to take the healthy options. You are not alone. You won’t be alone.
hey aces, can I ask what your support you have around you? Are you speaking to someone close to you or to a professional? It feels like you’ve lost yourself completely and haven’t been able to find peace. The intrusive thoughts seem to be building. Maybe even within your community with sports or school activities?
you have so much life to experience still and I’d hate to see you feel like this is all life has to offer you. No one can carry it alone, especially at such a young age. Unfortunately it’s not a once fix it situation. Mental health is an ongoing thing that needs to be monitored and treated, just like you would with someone with diabetes for example. They don’t get a one dose of insulin and the problem is fixed. They have to keep monitoring and sometimes make those life style changes. They need to keep in contact with their dr if anything changes. I would definitely encourage you to consider checking in with someone for your own safety.
thank you for sharing this update and taking the time to write out how things are going for you. this is such a tough position you’re in to decide between retiring or staying in the game. financial security vs. mental security. however, i personally would rather you be safer both physically and mentally and find a new career that you find passion in. money can always be made elsewhere, i know you have the drive to do awesome at anything you put your mind to which is why i’m confident in your choice to possibly retire. i know you say you have 0 paths in life but if your path led you to esports and racing, who’s to say with some deep evaluation on what you’d like to do for a living will lead you to a new path? i believe in you to conquer this and protect yourself, my friend. you mean too much to your people, your HS community, this world, to put yourself in harm’s way. i’m here if you need to brainstorm some possible new career paths if that is the decision you go with! hope to hear from you soon, aces.
I am sorry that you have been going through it right now. Sometimes, we need to take a step back…take a breather & reevaluate what we need to focus on. Maybe this is a point in your life where you need to discover new life meetings & new passions, it is okay to have these moments. Do you have something in your life that would bring newness to your life?
You are important. You are valid. You are worthy. You matter.
Hi Aces, Thanks for posting, I wonder if maybe a break from all of this is a good idea for you, it seems that recently you have struggled so much with it all and with all the family stuff that taking that break would do nothing but good. Your mental health has suffered so much of late and I think that surpasses everything else at your age. worrying about your ending at such a young age is not a thing you should be worrying about. You have so long to think about all of that, infact most people havent even considered what career they want and you must still have some schooling to finish yet. , it might be worth focusing on trying to sort your health out then look into to what you want to do with the rest of your life and then you can go forward in a healthier and happier way and that is what we all want for you and you cant do that alone, you really do need help with that so please lean on others for that help. I hope you find what you are looking for. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x
Big decisions are always a daunting task, and I like to say that we should use all of the information we have at hand right now to make the best decision we can, and then be kind to ourselves afterwards.
I’d like to ask a question if i may: Do you have a team you work with? In your sports, is there an adult you can talk with, confide in? Someone who’s around a lot and provides you with tips and advice? I know that things have been changing up for you recently, and wanted to ask if you’re able to talk with your case worker recently? I’m not aware of how it is there, but have you asked your case worker if it’s possible to have contact with your previous foster family via telephone calls?
We’re here for you, to support you and be a listening ear whenever you need. Life is a long journey, and this is just a pit stop on the way. If you’re not racing, it’s also not the end. There are other ways to cruise down the road of life, friend. Glad you’re here with us!
It’s plain to see you have passion in you. And that your struggles with your MDD is in direct conflict with those passions. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. You know you have all of us here to listen and chat with.
I know things seem bleak. Your emotions and intrusive thoughts are doing their best to tunnel vision your mind into the worst-case scenarios. I’ve made my share of mistakes and blunders in my life. One thing I can say, is that there are never, NEVER, any situations where there are 0 paths in life. Just because you can’t currently see immediately in front of you, or your imagination isn’t doing the trick right now, doesn’t mean that is reality. Think of it like tripping and falling. Your eyes are facing down, so you can’t see anything else but the bottom. Once you are able to collect yourself and start standing back up, you can see what’s around you. What paths are open to you.
Don’t let go of those passions. Passion can be the fuel that takes you down paths that you’ve yet to discover.
