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End of the road pt2


#1

I was told by a dear friend of mine on Friday of last week to take two words out of my vocabulary “isolate” and “goodbye” two words that were comfort words.

Well here it goes. I’ve listened to the song end of the road by boys2men manyyy times. But tonight the song gained more meaning. As I was laying in bed writing the suicide note that was more so just me getting my feelings out and saying all the things I needed, I tried to find my will to live.

But when I lost my precious angel, I lost my will to live. Because that baby was all I had to fight for. So now here I am after being over a week clean from pills and self harm back to the old ways of taking pills to numb, and self harming to feel and remind myself I’m still alive.

I have a plane ticket Sunday to fly to go see my ex. The tldr there is this: he was emotionally abusive, threatened me, used me for sex, blackmailed me etc. But I still love him, and well I want closure. I need to know why he did the things he did. And why he said he loved me if he didn’t mean it. Because he’s taught me what love is, as that’s the love I’ve received from my parents… exes… “best friends” etc.

Everyone is screaming monkey don’t go. But my mind is saying, take a chance. He’s changed. He says he loves you. And that’s all I want right now is to be loved. To be good enough. To know that at the end of the day he is there. But in all reality either way it’s the end of the road. If I go down there and it doesn’t work out… well I should’ve known. If I go down there and it does work out… well then back into an abusive relationship, but is it worth the temporary love. As long as I give him what he wants (sex) then he won’t be violent… or so I think.

Also adding onto this, my doctors called back. They ran some test after confirming the miscarriage and they said they would only call back if they found something (something wrong). And welp guess who ignored all three of their phone calls. Once again I’d rather not know answers then face the fate

Hold fast, cause I can’t

Monkey


#2

Monkey, take that plane ticket and get a REFUND. If not a refund, DELETE it off your computer/phone or BURN IT. You DO NOT need/have to do this. You DO NOT need/have to see your Ex. You already know the kind of person he is. Why go back? Why believe in the possibility that he may be a better man when he never was in the first place? LOVE is an ACTION; It’s SHOWN through ACTION, not just through WORDS. You DESERVE LOVE! You deserve love from someone who can truly see your worth and value as an individual being.


#3

Hey what up Monkey,
I see your reasoning. Yes maybe he has changed and he does really love you. But you making yourself and your love sound cheap that your willing to get abused just to feel loved. I see you’ve gone through lots, more than you should have to go through, more than anyone should. “Is it worth temporary love”, I see you don’t want to make this decision but at the end of the day your the one who has to make it. The whole world could tell you not to but if decide to go then that’s that. Just do what you think it’s best for you either way your either right or wrong. I see that losing your precious angel has kicked you off your feet so to speak. It want someon to Lean on and you don’t really care who. No worlds I can write can make up for your loss but your left with the desicion. Give your exe who abused you a second chance and thing work out or things go back to the way they were which put you in this negative nvironkent in the first place. Or you stay at home and sit in your own suicidal thoughts and do something stupid or maybe go see your parents and stay with them for a few days or some on else that’s really special. I bet this sounds really cheesy but more parents don’t support me at all. In fact the basically hate me. Having parents who care about me would make my world so much better. Your parents can really help you.
It seems all the pain that your going through might be stopping you from making the best decision for your mental and physical health. Perhaps the people who are telling you not to go are seeing a reoccurrence of events and don’t won’t to see you go through that again.

However it’s really down to you so whatever you choose good luck I hope are able to release some of the immense pain your feeling. Heart support will always be here if you need it. Hope you reply back,
Eli


#4

Quit punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.

Going to be a sex slave for your ex is not a life or a death.

You need to wake up. The misery isn’t going to go away and adding more misery on top of it isn’t going to help hide from the misery you’re feeling now.

(You should look for professional help right now. Have you contact a specialist on grief?)

I don’t know anything about love myself. So if it’s love you’re looking for I can’t advise you on that. I can give you advice on how to get back up when knocked down. When to keep fighting when there is no fight left in you. This is not the end.

You are strong. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re worth more than you think and you’ve got enough in you to move forward.

I pray may Nature bless you this day onward.