I was told by a dear friend of mine on Friday of last week to take two words out of my vocabulary “isolate” and “goodbye” two words that were comfort words.
Well here it goes. I’ve listened to the song end of the road by boys2men manyyy times. But tonight the song gained more meaning. As I was laying in bed writing the suicide note that was more so just me getting my feelings out and saying all the things I needed, I tried to find my will to live.
But when I lost my precious angel, I lost my will to live. Because that baby was all I had to fight for. So now here I am after being over a week clean from pills and self harm back to the old ways of taking pills to numb, and self harming to feel and remind myself I’m still alive.
I have a plane ticket Sunday to fly to go see my ex. The tldr there is this: he was emotionally abusive, threatened me, used me for sex, blackmailed me etc. But I still love him, and well I want closure. I need to know why he did the things he did. And why he said he loved me if he didn’t mean it. Because he’s taught me what love is, as that’s the love I’ve received from my parents… exes… “best friends” etc.
Everyone is screaming monkey don’t go. But my mind is saying, take a chance. He’s changed. He says he loves you. And that’s all I want right now is to be loved. To be good enough. To know that at the end of the day he is there. But in all reality either way it’s the end of the road. If I go down there and it doesn’t work out… well I should’ve known. If I go down there and it does work out… well then back into an abusive relationship, but is it worth the temporary love. As long as I give him what he wants (sex) then he won’t be violent… or so I think.
Also adding onto this, my doctors called back. They ran some test after confirming the miscarriage and they said they would only call back if they found something (something wrong). And welp guess who ignored all three of their phone calls. Once again I’d rather not know answers then face the fate
Hold fast, cause I can’t