Its been quite some time since I’ve been on here… and ever since, It’s been a complete roller coaster for me. Your on the mountain top, and then your not. But every time the depression hits, you felt that you stood strong, kept the faith, keeping the faith till the end, not gonna let those lies and urges get to you… I feel like each time the depression hit, each time those depressive episodes happen, it gets harder and harder each time. And I think that this time it hit me like a truck. Because I feel like I’m living in my last of days right now, and it has been for a while. Like I’m coming close each day to putting my death into my own hands. I feel like I’ve reached out, but haven’t reach out? I feel like I’m trying to get through this on my own, and not ask for help, not talk to people, but get by on my own because I don’t wanna be a burden what do ever. I get so anxious asking for prayer or anything. I’d rather NOT be a burden. Everyone has stuff they need to get through. And I can not get in the way of that… but the pain is tormenting, it hurts… part of me wants to be alone and chooses to, but part of me doesn’t wanna be alone at all. But I feel so alone, and I know I’m not. But something tells me I am, and it makes me sad… I feel like I can’t be around people without thinking they don’t wanna be around me or me thinking anything negative about myself… it makes me feel so terrible because I serve God, and I’m on the worship team, and I feel like I’m failing every single person I know in every way, especially God and my leaders, and family and friends… I feel so worthless and useless, and no one can help me… I’ve written another letter as an explanation as to why i might do what I did… I’ve given into my self harm urges twice now, and it’s eating me up… Each day I wake up thinking it can be my last and no one knows it, because I don’t wanna be stopped because I can’t take the pain anymore… Tuesday I could’ve sworn it would’ve been my very last day. No one knows that I’m trying to just love and be around anyone that I’m close to so I can have my last days with them. Because my mind is made up.
hey @God_Is_Love ,
hey there friend , thank you for reaching out ! i hear you and i see you , but ending it soon is NOT an option . DONT GIVE UP!
When it comes to this You got to keep fighting you will have your ups , you will have your downs . Let me put this here . DO NOT GIVE UP! It will only get harder and harder if you do not continue to fight . When you fight these thoughts it means you dont want to give up , you dont want to let these thoughts over power you . You reaching out here means YOU want to be a better version of you . Keep climbing that mountain , you will fall and crash but you will get there i believe in you… Words may be hard rightnow for me responding to this but im hear for you and i will always will be . Holdfast friend Youre worth it !
-Ashley
Hey @God_Is_Love,
I think it takes a lot of strength to reach out when you feel like your mind is made up already. Because somehow you expose your heart and accept for your thoughts to be challenged. There is something beautiful in reaching out as you do. Not doing it at 50% but truly, entirely, with a lot of honesty about how you feel and what brought you here.
Your story is entirely yours, and I’m aware that I’m just a random stranger to you, but I want to acknowledge what you shared bravely, without any filter, and remind you that these days don’t have to be your last ones.
You’re right. 100% right: depression is a rollercoaster. And it’s freaking defeating to feel knocked down again and again. It feels like your efforts are not worth it, and by extension that nothing is worth it. Though you are not stuck in the same cycle again and again. Each time, you learn, you build new perspectives, you approach new situations, you know yourself a little more. In other words: you grow. And even you fall down, your progress is not gone, and you keep the memory of your efforts. Which brought a whole other level of questions, but especially: when is it enough?
For what it’s worth, I feel the depth of this question with all my heart. If I use your comparision with climbing a mountain, right now I’m down too, looking at it and wondering if it’s worth to climb again. Though I feel like when we’re down the mountain there’s also this dense fog that prevent us to see what is around us. You know, all these bright lights that seem to fade away when the weather’s dark. People. Passions. Dreams. Joys and Love. All of those things that seem to be far away from us, unreachable, especially because a part of us believe that we don’t deserve it, but also because it feels like it requires too many efforts. This fog is made of lies, false beliefs about ourselves and about this life. “I’m a burden, I’m worthless, I shouldn’t be here”. All those painful thoughts that prevent us to hold the hands of the people we love… but also to reach out entirely, and not partially.
I get the paradox between reaching out but not really, this desire to be alone but not really. I’ve been doing that for the past couple of weeks and keep wondering where’s the limit between too much social withdrawal, and not enough. Though too much of it definitely feed the lies. I bet you’ve been experiencing that as well, and you started to put your own walls. It’s really hard not to give in those thoughts that we believe about ourselves. Oftentimes, I feel like when I interact with someone, I’m stealing their time while they could spend it with someone who’d be worth it. But at the same time, I have strong values that makes me believe that we are all equals, we are all deserving of love and care, and I’m no exception.
You can bring some light in this fog, friend. By letting the people you trust enter it. To see you as you are. With your strengths but also your vulnerability. Without being afraid of yourself and without hiding. You did it here with this community. You invite us in your world, in your mind, you share things that are very deep and personal. And I can tell, what you just shared doesn’t make you weak, unlovable or doomed. Only human. And as human beings, we need each other when we’re going through a rough time.
Those thoughts that you have, about ending your life, are very strong and I’ll never deny that. From a very personal standpoint, I could have written a similar message as yours. But here we are, in this community. Here you are, reaching out without reaching out. This is a mark of trust. I want to honor it, I respect you, and I want to encourage you to share about what’s in your mind with the people you love and could be a pillar of strength during this dark season. Or maybe even a counselor/ a professional.
The mountain might be high, but you don’t have to climb it just by yourself. You don’t have to climb it without any safety net either. Keep loving friend, but please allow yourself to be loved in return. There is nothing wrong with you. Your vulnerability is a gift. And the people in your life who love you and care about you would certainly feel honored by your trust. You don’t have to hide. And you don’t belong in this darkness.
You said you made up your mind, but nothing is written already. You have breath in your lungs. You have a voice. Please use those powers that you have to receive the support you need. This community is here for you as well. Always.
I believe in you. 
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