I come from a very national competitive school, in which there are some people who are very confident in their skills. Not just skills, but also their appearances.
They all get DL, some of my friends get DL, but I don’t. (DL means director’s listers, like an honor roll of sorts) It sucks so much to realize that you’re not DL. At all. At anytime of your school life there.
On another note, connecting it to the DL story, one time I had this incident where I cried to my family about how I dissapoint them too much. They told me that they will support me even if I don’t get DL, they won’t get dissapointed, etc. I love that my family is doing these efforts to make me happy but it seems too good to be true. That they can be happy and gibe me big presents and gifts, without me getting a prestigious reward of sorts.
Like the time when I told my parents I was going to be DL and I told them thy had to buy me a gaming PC if I do. And they bought it in advance but I didn’t get into DL.
With this, I felt like I need to up my standards, and I did. I tried my best, but it wasn’t good enough. Still didn’t get in DL.
They always tell me it’s fine or it’s okay. But for me, it’s not, they give me all these things but in return? Nothing. Not even a single award or a certificate.
My Body Image
Some of friends have cute faces and handsome ones too. But I don’t. I find myself to be super ugly and fat, some people say I’m not at all fat, but I feel like I am, from the fat sticking out from my stomach(Although my chest is pretty flat.)
I sometimes look at people, especially my friends to see what their special features are. They have lots.Their beautiful hair, their glistening eyes, their perfect body. But I have none. None at all. As in nothing. For my persective atleast.
I feel as though I am worthless, that I am only worth loving and being taking care for if I get DL or get my dream body and face. I want to be the cream of the cream of the crop. I want to be the person who is not just half empty, but overflowing. I feel as though I am enough and worth it, but not MORE than enough or not MORE than worth it. Honestly, it sucks having to think about this everyday. And I want to ask for help so I came here.
Thank you for reading this long post. I’m sorry for wasting your time.