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Enough. It's time to live

“I think i need to go to sleep earlier today” - i thought at 11PM. And then i’ve read 2 @Micro posts and just understood that i need to write this. :slight_smile:

This post is inspired by @Micro and all people here, who supported me and made me see beyond the veil.

My suffering was getting worse and worse with each passing day more than about 20 years. I watched about 200+ hours of psychological techs, went to 3 therapists (with almost no result), stopped drinking pills(thank you ms bitch-therapist that you haven’t told me about the fact that you cannot stop drinking pills in one day) and got my anxiety and depression multiplied by 3 and adding multiple physical health problems. Then a week ago came this casino loss that made my family budget on almost zero level with no money to even buy grocery. This was the worst time of all my life, it was the bottom.

I want to thank music bands i listen, that they gave me (by Youtube) a recommedation link to this community. In the first time of my life a saw that i’m not alone, not solely cursed or damned (as i thought) and there are many people that are struggling and fighting as well. This fact gave a glimpse of hope.

In couple of days reading other people’s fears and problems i understood two really important things:

  • i’m not the only one who is broken. There are a lot of peolpe around me with same or different problems and they are still alive and fighting.
  • if someone can make individual life better, so can i.

Yesterday i’ve got a talk with my mother, who started to talk the usual way with me. Speeches like: “it’s hard to live on a pension, be happy that you can buy yourself a new phone, i’m alone and nobody needs me, etc.”. Then i said that i went to multiple therapists, about pills and my condition. And you know what she said? “I didn’t go to a therapist these days when i was raising you. And look at me, i’m fine!”. I saw pride and fear at the same time. I don’t know why, but i just said: “Are you blaming ME for that? Why are you even telling me this all the time?”. She said no, tried some more depressive insults, but just “hit the wall” and walked out from the car. Same thing about father. When i said that i’m metally sick and tired and i blame him that he ruined my childhood he just said: “It’s a postion of a child, not a man. If you will continue thinking like that and blaming others you will get nowhere!”. And that moment i realized one very important thing. I’m not dogshit! Why have i decided it in the first place? The answer is quite simple. When grandparents raised our parents, they did the same to them, or even worse. My parents didn’t know how to raise me mentally healthy, because they were WEAK. Period. They couldn’t sever the chains of family insults, so they just passed their mind problems to me. Is it really THAT hard to say sorry? It’s one freaking word that could heal years of anger!

This little worm named parental weakness became a huge sandworm from Dune. But i see him now and that makes me happy. But now i have another problem. I do not know who and what i am because the dogshit dogma covered me whole for too long.

I’m not sorry for this confession and i hope it will help someone to realize something new and different!

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hello dear Mike
you don’t know how glad i got when i read your post
i am really proud of you for the results you have reached

  1. for understanding you are not alone
  2. for understanding that you can change it and it gets better
  3. and i am truly happy for your son or daughter i don’t remember son or daughter :sweat_smile:
    because they won’t go through the same thing you went through
    now you know it wasn’t your fault now you know how much mental health matters and you are gonna take care of it for yourself and for your family
  4. you finally opened up your heart you told them forget about their reactions it required bravary but you did it man
    congragulations and they are big steps to move forward
    i am proud of you and you will go beyond all of it
    be happy with your family and your life think about progress and that’s it
    i’m so happy for you again and as you said it’s enough anymore
    take care
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thank you so much for sharing this. I can really relate with the parent situation…

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Congratulations! You’ve killed your old identity of dogshit. Now the question is, who is @MikeA? This is a really hard question to answer, but a really exciting one too. We’ve established that @MikeA is not dogshit, and he is not the sum of whatever jaded thoughts his parents have. He is a father. He is someone who has been seeking help for years, fighting to get better instead of giving up. He’s someone who understands that other people are suffering, and someone who can channel his pain to empathize with and help others. Who else is @MikeA? You can take months or years to answer this question, but what’s important is that you control the narrative now. You’re free.

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Son :slight_smile: I will do everything that i can, i swear. No one deserves this.

It’s easy to say, but it won’t go away in a click. Yes, i don’t want to be it anymore, but it will take time to re-shape the brain and soul. This path is much easier, i’m sure of it.

Not really :slight_smile: I already passed about 7 identity tests, and still have about 20 to go. This is exiting, really! You start to write all results and just sit and like “omg, i’m really good! I can play 6 instruments, i built a house with my hands, etc”.

I still cannot believe that. And i don’t think i will believe in some time.

The question that’s been bothering me for some time is hard to answer. What if my childhood was normal? Would i try so hard to learn all that i can do now…?

@SheetMetalHead I love Flyleaf, but as for me, they are “too soft”. I like As i lay dying, Killswitch Engaged, Trivium and recently found a band named Make them suffer. Last one have 2 very strong songs named Save yourself and Erase me. Save yourself have the most painful lyrics i’ve heard in my life and trust me, i’ve heard MANY songs.

p.s. Maybe i can be a metal blogger? :metal:

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I usually listen to heavier music too, but I especially like the message of that song. Arise and be all that you dreamed.

I spent enough of my depressed years listening to Three Days Grace and Seether and such, these days I try to find metal with more uplifting messages.

Alternatively, this one has a similar message :smirk:

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then good for him … i’m really happy for you and your family Mike
wish you best and take care

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@MikeA,

Man, your responses hit home. I appreciate that you were brave enough to come here to the community and share all that you have the numerous times that you’ve done so. This post really was great though and I’m elated that you’ve gotten help (as limited as it’s been) but that you’ve also come to the conclusions you have.

I appreciate also life comes in waves, “you can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf” comes to mind. You will have these big epiphanies that will rock your world - but the flavor of life will still linger. The waves will come back, they’ll knock you down… at least now though it sounds like you’ll get back up/float back up to the top with the tools/supports you’ve developed.

I appreciate you for whatever that means. Keep up the good work stranger!

Much love,
DrD.

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@SheetMetalHead
@A.A
@DrDyaus

Thank you all! It really means a lot to me!

p.s. @SheetMetalHead - this is the uplifting message for you. A bit with japanesse accent, but i think you will understand the words. Just popped accidentally on Youtube today.

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@MikeA,

Wow. I just read this. Your message is so powerful. Can really feel the need you had to let those words off your chest at the moment. Thank you so much for taking the time to reflect on this and sharing it with us.

This realization that you’re reaching is, I believe, very important. And what you said is very relatable to me on many aspects. So many words that resonate with my heart, especially for how it’s been this year. I came to the point of being in full no contact mode with my mother lately, which was very distressing but also needed for me. She doesn’t understand either and I can see a lot of fear when I try to explain how what she did affects me today. Even though I was willing to try my best to create a new, healthier and better relationship, some of the things she said felt like the last straw to me. It’s hard to realize that she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to have the conversation I need. It forces me to grieve an affection I didn’t receive yet still desire to know. The difference now is just that I’m not letting this desire to destroy me anymore. I accept that a part of me is still this wounded child who just craves for the love she didn’t receive, or not the right way.

My suffering was getting worse and worse with each passing day more than about 20 years. I watched about 200+ hours of psychological techs, went to 3 therapists (with almost no result), stopped drinking pills(thank you ms bitch-therapist that you haven’t told me about the fact that you cannot stop drinking pills in one day) and got my anxiety and depression multiplied by 3 and adding multiple physical health problems.

I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with so many health problems. I’ve been trying to educate myself for a couple of years now about childhood traumas - both for personal and professional purposes - and it’s not uncommon to also struggle with physical effects. My biggest frustration today is to have to deal with chronic and immune diseases that are preventing me to do things I used to love, such as running and dancing. And it’s frustrating to see that it keeps getting worse each year. “Funny” to realize that it developped when the violence started in my family… but who’s going to refund me for the time and opportunities I missed? No one. this was my short rant

I want to acknowledge your perseverance here. Your determination through your desire to educate yourself, to go on therapy, AND to stop drinking pills despite the effects it had on your health… this is huge. I don’t know if anyone in your life noticed that or took the time to celebrate it, but really your efforts are seen right now. And a lot of people in this community can understand the depths of what you’ve been through during all these years.

Also the fact that therapy didn’t give any result doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I know it’s frustrating, but the things that are not functioning for you still give you a direction. Just like people who hurt you, somehow, make you realize who you don’t want to be. For what it’s worth, I tried therapy several times but I gave up every time. I started again recently, and it’s been incredibly different. I’ve been giving a try to hypnotherapy, which happens to be something I needed more than I would have admitted. A huge part of my sessions now is focused on generational traumas and letting go of unecessary family burdens.

So I’m no expert at all, but maybe looking after something different than what you tried could be interesting. Even considering a physical approach could be helpful. Just don’t give up on yourself or on therapy. It’s also a matter of time to find the right combination between the right therapist and the right approach.

i’m not the only one who is broken. There are a lot of peolpe around me with same or different problems and they are still alive and fighting.

100%. I know it feels so alienating to go through abuse, and it takes a lot of time to deconstruct each layer of lie we’ve been living with. There’s this deep feeling of shame for existing that is hard to shake or even understand sometimes. But even if it feels lonely, we are not alone. There are, unfortunately, so many people who experience depression, anxiety, abuse and traumas. And even though our experiences are always unique and personal, we can always create bonds and hold each other’s hands when times are tough. You are not alone. This is a huge realization, friend. Congratulations for coming to that point and taking the time to write it down.

if someone can make individual life better, so can i.

Definitely. And I have no doubt you’ve been a good parent to your kid and a good husband to your wife. Just your post here and your perseverance through therapy shows your willingness to change the narrative. You mean the world to them. And you can create something beautiful all together. What affected/affects you can be turned into a strength.

And you know what she said? “I didn’t go to a therapist these days when i was raising you. And look at me, i’m fine!”. I saw pride and fear at the same time.

Yea… I guess it’s a common thought among some generations. Thankfully, mental health is more and more discussed and we are slowly seeing through some stigmas like “being depressed = being weak”, or “seing a therapist = being “crazy””. There’s definitely a difference of generation here… but that doesn’t mean “the good old” times were better. Her representation of therapy might be biased, and hearing about what you’ve done to help yourself could be scary to her. Same for your dad and his own perception of “being a man”. It make sense that you saw both pride and fear. And it’s good to be aware of it.

They couldn’t sever the chains of family insults, so they just passed their mind problems to me.

That statement is so, so powerful. There’s a history of violence in my own family, which helped me understand that my mom’s violence didn’t come from nowhere. But what makes it understandable doesn’t necessarily make it forgivable. That second point is highly intimate and has to be a personal choice. I remember saying to my mom a year ago: “I know you had a difficult childhood and you were victim yourself, but this violence that keeps running in our family stops with me”. It’s honestly the best decision I ever made. Those chains have to be destroyed, indeed.

Is it really THAT hard to say sorry? It’s one freaking word that could heal years of anger!

Unfortunately, it is. There’s a lot of denial, guilt and shame behind this. As you said, you saw fear when your mom reacted to what you said. In the end our parents are only human. Of course I’m not saying it excuses everything. Just that they have their own struggles, pain and flaws as everyone else. Though I really hope that, one day, you could reach a better level of mutual understanding, so those apologies could happen.

But now i have another problem. I do not know who and what i am because the dogshit dogma covered me whole for too long.

Indeed, that’s a scary part. It’s scary to feel like you’re a blank page - while you’re not. I’ve been feeling this a lot recently, and came to the point that, at least, I know what are my values and I know who I don’t want to be. With time and through our experiences, we’ll just keep being, living and learning more and more. Experiencing who we are might be as much as important as thinking about it, if not more.

I want to thank music bands i listen, that they gave me (by Youtube) a recommedation link to this community.

Oh man. Music is SO helpful. For the past 6 months, listening to Linkin Park especially has been such a relief, whether I needed to sort out some anger, sadness, grief… or just all at once. Sometimes it feels like almost their entire discography is a photo of how it feels to navigate through trauma and its outcomes, at least for me. And just… hearing someone screaming the words you wish you could literally vomit sometimes is such a relief. My top from LP, because of the lyrics especially: Faint/ Points of Authority / A line in the sand/ A place for my head/ No More sorrow/ From the inside/ Crawling/ One step closer/ The final masquerade/ Waiting for the end. Welp, that’s a lot. Can’t help sharing that part especially:

  • “All I ever wanted, secrets that you keep. All you ever wanted, the truth I couldn’t speak. 'Cause I can’t see forgiveness, and you can’t see the crime. And we both keep on waiting for something left behind.”

Take care, @MikeA. And thank you again for your post - and just the support you give here in this community.

p.s. Maybe i can be a metal blogger?

PS - Ooh. Yes. ;):metal:

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