I wish I could walk and runaway. I don’t wanna live in the place I’m in and my parents don’t love me.
First off – sorry I am just now seeing this…I hope the past few days have been a bit brighter than when you first wrote this in.
It’s so tough to feel trapped…to feel like the option you want to exercise is to run away, but it seems so impossible to do…but really, what’s underneath that is feeling unloved…feeling like you don’t matter…feeling like every time you talk to your parents all you hear is disappointment or anger or judgment. To feel like there’s nothing you could do to get them to approve of you, support you, love you, believe in you. It’s brutal to be in a place where you have a constant reminder just through their presence of how worthless you feel you are.
I’m sorry friend :\
I remember feeling that way too with my parents…like they just wanted success from me, and when I didn’t bring it I was worthless…like the things I cared about weren’t important enough to them…it was such a brutal season of my life.
It’s been a decade since I’ve lived with my parents now, and I have the opportunity to look back and see that what I thought I saw as truth / objective then really wasn’t the full picture…My parents did put pressure on me, and the message I heard at the time was, “You are not good enough.” Now, the message I see they were communicating was, “We love you and believe in you and want you to be the best you can so you can have the best life we can provide.” It’s different being older and looking back – being a parent myself and hearing myself say something I’d heard them say…feeling what I imagine they felt…I see that they did the best they could with what they had.
That might not necessarily be the same in your situation, but I do know that being under their roof and under their authority is hard to see a different perspective. But I’d like to affirm you in two things – one it really sucks to feel everything you’re feeling, and those are real feelings…and two is that they aren’t true. It’s not true that you’re unloved or unworthy. And something can feel true and not be true at the same time. The truth is you are loved. More than you could probably ever conceive. And you do matter. And you are worthy. And these things don’t change even if your feelings about those truths do.
I hope that you come to believe these things about yourself – I know that I am in the process of believing them too. It’s typically not a one-and-done thing, it’s a process, but it is worth fighting to believe, because you are worth it.