Struggling with self hatred cycle, and apathy. I admire Eugenia’s optimism.
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Hey friend,
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this cycle of self-hatred/apathy. I’ve been stuck in a similar cycle, repeatedly, and it’s heartbreaking when you realize that you’re not treating yourself rightly. There’s this veil between who you are truly and how you see yourself. And sometimes, the difference between those is just… huge and scary.
Apathy can totally go along with self-hatred though. And indeed, it can be a very vicious circle. When I find myself not doing anything, avoiding everything, it’s generally because I tend think that I already know what I can do or not. And as I tend to see myself in a rather negative way, I don’t think I can do a lot nor bring anything good in general if I actually starts to do something. I don’t even fee like I deserve to take care of myself. So why even trying? But when I don’t do anything, I feel guilty, ashamed and useless. I’m disappointed by myself… Yea, vicious circle.
It’s objectively draining to deal with self-hatred everyday. Even if it’s not necessarily visible to others. Thoughts can be very powerful and overwhelming at the same time. Our mind can be so convincing and crippling. You’re a true warrior for coming here, sharing about this and making it visible. It shows your strength. And also that this situation is not where you want to stay. Nor what you deserve. You only deserve to be shown that you are loved and cared for. From others… but also from yourself.
I don’t know what led you to this self-hatred spiral. If it’s about events you experienced, people you encountered, things you’ve been telling yourself for too long… or even all of this. But if something if sure: you are not what you may think about yourself. You are so, so much more than those thoughts, feelings. You are a unique individual, a unique person that this world needs to see and know. By posting here, you just did a first step to stand up for yourself. You know something has to be changed here, and it can start by reaching out, being vulnerable and open about what’s going on.
I love that you are from Eugenia’s community. She’s such a light in this world and her smile is incredibly communicative! Now is the time to be a light for yourself as well. You are not doomed to be stuck in this cycle forever. You can learn to get out of it, progressively, with the right support and a lot of grace to yourself. If you’re comfortable enough, let us know how this community can encourage you.
Just take it easy. One step after another. One day after another. And if you don’t know where to start, I think you can find some very valuable resources here on the Support Wall, in a category that is dedicated to learn and practice self-care, depending on what’s your situation:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/c/growth
It personally helps me. Because most of the time, I lose focus on what “self-care” means, I don’t know where to start and my mind is just drained by negative thoughts. I hope these could help you too. 
In any case, know that you are not alone to struggle with this. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to say it. Together we’re stronger, right?
Take care, friend. Your heart is beautiful as it is. So is your soul. Sure, you’ll certainly need some time to learn how to be a friend to yourself, to see yourself as you are and push awaythoughts made of self-hatred… but I believe your capacity to do that. We believe in you here. Feel always free to share and discuss. There’s always be someone to listen and encourage you, without any judgment.
Hold fast.
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Thank you for your kind words. Btw I finally figured how to create an acc here! 
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