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EugeniaCooney Fan #355

Found my first crush/almost BF on facebook. Haven’t seen him in 19yrs. Found out that he lives in Colorado now, head Chef, also he’s engaged to a gorgeous woman. He looks so good. I’m a little heartbroken. I miss him so much. I’m fighting the urge to say hi.

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Hey friend,

19 years… that’s a lot. I can only imagine how seeing them on Facebook makes you feel. It can be so weird to find the profile of someone you knew before but didn’t know how they were doing. If you miss this person, then it’s natural to feel how you feel. It makes sense, totally. And it can be uncomfortable to acknowledge this, so thank you for sharing. :hrtlegolove:

I’m fighting the urge to say hi.

Obviously I don’t know you or how things are with this person, but based on what you just shared, I can only encourage you to keep fighting against this urge. As you said, they’re having their own life, and unless you’re okay with this, trying to be part of their life again would only hurt you. I understand though. this division between your mind and your heart… it can be difficult to handle those feelings. And with social medias, it’s easy to be triggered. But it also seems that you already know what would be good or not.

I also wanted to say, just in case, and as a reminder, that you matter and your own life matters, regardless of what this person has been through for 19 years. If they’re happy, that’s awesome. But you are not less or more either. You are you, you have worth and value, you are enough. :hrtlegolove:

What a tough thing to be faced with! I bet that must be equally heartbreaking and tempting to reach out and touch the past, but I hope you consider that the urge to do that may be more detrimental than comforting. I want what is best for you in this situation, and picking at a scar that was once healed over won’t validate any feelings, or create comfort for you. I am really glad you turned here instead, and I hope you are still well. Hang in there friend :hrtlegolove:

Oh man, this is a sticky situation. It is hard to see someone from our past that we used to be connected to “excelling” beyond where we perceive we are. It makes us feel inferior, like we somehow missed the boat, like we’re behind, like we made the wrong choice, like we missed out. As soon as you found his profile, all of these emotions stirred up. It almost feels like you need to reach out to see if the feelings are still there for him too, because it feels like if they are – even if he doesn’t end up leaving his fiance for you – it at least validates the piece in you that feels inferior – if he still likes you or wants you or is receptive to you, it gives you something to soothe the ache or fear that you are not what you could have been.

Here’s the challenge of that kind of situation, though, is that if you reach out, what you’re /actually/ telling yourself is that, “I am not enough, but if he responds well to me, then I can prove that I am.” The bitch of that is that /EVEN IF HE DOES RESPOND THE WAY YOU HOPE/, you’re still telling yourself that you’re not enough. The whole situation is based in a foundation of “I am not enough”.

How can you change the story you’re telling yourself?

Because the truth is, you don’t even want this guy. Like yeah, maybe it seems like it would be nice /if/, but what really stirred your heart into action is the insecurity that it raised up in you, and the desire to feel loved. It’s not even the guy specifically, it’s the ache in your heart and the hope of soothing it.

How can you be kind to your aching heart? Instead of reinforcing the fear that you won’t be loved?

I think these questions will steer you into a healthier direction than trying to scoop some validation from an engaged man. You deserve better than that! Your heart matters, your pain matters, and you deserve to be loved.