It’s an ongoing paradox of both wanting and needing to be alone, yet not being fulfilled with life by being alone. There’s like a joy where I don’t have to feel drained and on constant recharge, but always longing for people to be with that I know I am and feel happy and safe with.
I want to say welcome to the Heart Support forums! You are welcome here, your life matters, and your story matters! I want you to know that I am so so glad that you reached out, and I’m so glad that you are alive! I’m so glad that you had the courage to reach out, because I’ll be honest sometimes that’s the hardest step to make!
Your life matters, and you are loved, and you are important! And I’m so glad that you are alive! This world wouldn’t be better without you! You were made in God’s image, and you have a purpose here!
I’ll be honest with you, I feel like I’m the one making this post right now. Because I do the same exact thing, I want to be alone and isolated, but I also know that I need people, and that I want to feel safe with people, and feel like other people care about me! I wish I had the great fix for this, or advice, but what I can tell you is that you are not alone. And you don’t have to be alone, there’s a whole community that is here for you, and loves you, and wants to be here for you! Now that doesn’t mean that being alone isn’t okay, but isolating isn’t the way to go! You are loved, and you matter, keep fighting my friend!
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It!
Yeah it’s such a paradox man – to feel like what your soul needs is both sides of the coin…but like one side of the coin means you can’t do the other side…or at least if you do one side, it doesn’t fill you up enough to do the other side without feeling empty by the time you switch gears…it’s like you need both to happen at the same time, or one to fill you up long enough to do the other…but it feels like you’re constantly on this in between, on this state of not quite being whole…
And I feel the “not quite being whole” bit so hard man…feeling like I’m constantly striving for that wholeness but never quite attaining it, never quite reaching it, and if I do only for a moment…it’s unsettling to feel like my life is this constant state of being uncomfortable or dissatisfied…
One of the things that my counselor has been talking to me about is accepting myself where I’m at…which is super hard for me…to accept that I’m not “there” yet…that I still need things that maybe in an ideal world I wouldn’t need…like I still need help placing expectations on my life and can’t just zap myself into not being an anxious person…and accept these pieces of me that I’d rather just change, that sometimes drain me or keep me from feeling settled…but in accepting myself I realize that sometimes the balance I’m looking for is actually the internal posture towards myself…and when I can reach that equilibrium within my own heart, I can start to feel it extend itself into different parts of my life and feel more at ease in more situations…
So my question for you is – what is it that makes you feel unsettled in your own heart or soul? What makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself? If anything, maybe these questions can be launching points for you to finding a longer laster balance.
Worst case, I hope to share – you are not alone…there’s nothing wrong with you…and you are far more normal than you might believe. We all face these types of issues – obviously myself included…and when we share our stories, we don’t have to hold these burdens alone. Thank you so much for sharing yours here.
I encourage you to find some peace in the time that you have alone. Maybe find some meetup groups that have similar interests as you so you can enjoy the group time you crave. Life is all about balance.