it is 1:28 AM in NYC and im stuck. i dont know which way to look or which direction to go in. i feel like im in the same circle, the same loop I’ve always been in. it sucks bc then i resort to destroying everything out of rage bc nothing truly matters anymore. i wish i wasn’t like this and i sorta wish i was dead lmao. i dont want to kill myself but i wish i can go to sleep and not wake up. just to see what’s on the other side of forever closing your eyes. i wonder if i will get a hand me down life just like me and continue to suffer in silence. but i kinda like the pain bc it makes me feel alive. i never feel alive anymore besides if im doing something illegal or reckless. i wish i wasn’t like this and i hope i can move past this fog one way or the other. sleep well
You’ve got to read this article that just dropped last week, it’s literally hammer on the head for some of the stuff you’re feeling:
And dude you’re not crazy for feeling that way. I remember feeling like my life was ground hog day, living this empty existence just trying to fill it with whatever kind of escape or numbing or pseudo happiness I could try to cram in there. But my heart was a sieve, it all just leaked out. I felt terribly alone because of it and like no one could understand or give a shit because I was just broken at my core.
You’re not crazy for chasing a high to fill that hole. I think most of us do when we have that brokenness inside of us. But I do have a hope to share: you don’t have to live life that way, there is healing available…that hole can be fixed. It’s been ten years since I’ve felt that pang of hollowness rattle inside of my chest with every step I took. You are not alone in what you’er facing, and if you choose to seek something better, healing, wholeness, you won’t be alone in that journey either.
Pink Floyd said like two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. I have was you are at. I promise the self destruction, self loathing and self deprecation do not make it better. While you joke about being better gone. It sounds like you kinda wish you could disappear.
Now, I hope you were just needing to vent cause sometimes angry typing is just that angry typing.
I can say the change you seek is a slow process it is like shape marble little deliberate chips to make something more beautiful.
And each small victory is that a victory. I can suggest change but you are the one that would have to implement. I hope you find peace.
Thank you for sharing
Boy do I relate to those feelings. I feel like I’m saying how stuck I feel a lot lately. Life sometimes feels like it’s sitting idly and going nowhere. And then I look around me and see everyone I’m close to speeding by. New relationships, engagements, marriage, kids, new jobs and some people traveling to places I’d love to see and then I’m here. Stuck.
It’s a hard feeling to face I know. You are not alone my friend. We all go through life at our own pace and in our own ways. Things can certainly get better. It just may take a little time.
But don’t give up hope. Keep thriving for the things you love and are passionate about. Keep strong. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need to. Whether to a friend, a loved one or even a therapist. Sometimes it’s good to seek counsel and guidance to help you get unstuck and find your way.
Much love to you friend