Have you ever thought about just shoving a pencil, a pen, or just a sharp object into you? Just sit and think how painful it would be, how much of a distraction it would be to just simply send that pencil into your thigh or hand? Of course, it would hurt like fucking hell, but at the same time you don’t need to worry anymore. No worries about guilt, no worries about failing grades, no feeling worthless. Its just you, the pain, and the fool who thinks they are helping you by talking to you.
I recently have just came to a realization sometime ago… no one really gives a damn. They truly are selfish, and I’m not simply saying this because of depression. I mean truly, they don’ t care. Its not really their fault for the most part, its really their brain’s fault… You see, person reading this, Everyone only cares about 2 things in life. Finding things that make themselves feel good, and finding happiness in life. Every single person in life you know truly cares only about those 2 things, that includes yourself.
Not an easy pill to swallow, and you who are reading this probably have no fucking idea what I’m talking about, and that’s fine. It’s something I myself simply couldn’t figure out either for the longest simple time. We find and makes friends because we believe they will make our lives more happy. We care about other people when they are hurting because it makes you feel bad, and you want to stop feeling bad. We do idiotic things because they make us feel good, even if down the line it will simply come back and burn us. Kind people only are kind because they believe that they will get kindness and respect out of being that way. In this way, I guess we all have narcissistic tendencies within us, after all most of us get upset at tiny little things…
I feel like shit right now, would drink a beer if they didn’t taste like shit to me. I would smoke pot or weed, but can’t get myself out of the house to go get some, to have the courage to do that. I look in the mirror, and I’m just skinny, I see my ribs, I look at my face, its beautiful, then ugly, then beautiful again. I don’t know why my brain does this, or if anyone else even experiences this bullshit anyways, but my male mind can’t seem to make up its damn mind about how I look like. Maybe it just depends on my state of mind, and that is what truly decides to me rather or not I’m handsome or not. Makes me wonder if that’s how everything in the world is when it comes to beauty, its all truly as they say, “Beauty in the eyes of the beholder”. Granted, from my point of view, everything we all see is based on perspective, truly is. Good and Evil can’t really exist, its impossible for that to actually be real. Never in our lives will we ever meet someone who is truly good, or purely evil. Its all perspective in all honesty, its all bullshit for stories.
I’m just letting it all out, just vomiting this words on the screen right now, watching the pictures unfold in front of me,… I can’t let it all out, or else people would get pissed. That’s the problem about honestly, its just too hard for people to accept it. I could be completely unfiltered, and everyone would pretty much hate this post. No, couldn’t be hate, more like dislike or disinterest them. After all, you can’t hate something unless you love it. They both go hand in hand, same side of the coin.
I feel an urge to hang in the basement, but my body won’t let me. It’s too scared of the other side, of my spirit leaving it. My Body loves me, but I don’t. I disgust myself most of the time, just looking and burning and scarring myself all the while. But I can’t die, not until me spirit is completely broken, until I truly am at death’s door.
Part of me wonders what hell or heaven truly are, if they truly exist, after all, how would they exist? Do they exist somewhere in a black hole, or perhaps another dimension? How do we even go to heaven? Is god really there, or is it just my imagination? I feel these thoughts always crawling on the back of my mind, like a spider that your just too scared to try and swat away. I both love and hate these thoughts, but the fact that they conflict with my believes and my logic always serves to burn me a little. I don’t think god is a man, but beyond gender or anything like that. at at the same time, I wonder how the hell would a god even exist, and if so, what created him.
The words “I understand how you feel”, is a lie. Truly and honestly, anyone saying that is talking bullshit. To say that, is true arrogance. The only way they would know how I feel is reading my mind, and unless I’m not caught up with the current times, is fantasy. You can only see what I show you, and no one ever truly sees who someone is. Just what they are willing to share with the world.
That little voice in my head always tells me that no one is there, that no one is listening to these damn thoughts inside of me. I know that a half true, and half false. its like that asshole at work you want to say “fuck off” to. But you don’t. because you realize it only serves to fuck you in the future to say that, you realize there’s no real point to it.
I’m running out of steam, as well as things to say. To those who have read everything up to this point, I don’t know if to thank you, or ask if your insane. After all, this is just word vomit of emotions and thoughts. Nothing more, Nothing less…
